"Grew up in house where dad and son's hung out in undies I believe everynight watching tv playing games whatever familys do in the evening after settling down for the evenings, I even remember eating dinner that way many times. I…"
Victim
Haven't been coming here much lately. Part of me tells me I still don't belong here, I have no business developing the man part of me.
Lately, that part has been winning. Work continues to take the lion's share of my attention, and it becomes a comfort. I don't have to work on the man, just keep doing what I've been doing well for all these years, turning into decades. The pursuit of manliness is a luxury of time and for the much younger who are still jockeying for position in life.
I went to one Mankind Project meeting, but that was it. I found myself skipping one meeting because I was too tired, and that happened the next week, and then surprise! it kept happening.
So much for MKP.
Looking around in the gym one day, I decided, as I watched the other guys banter, that I would simply give up. I would be happier remaining in my shell, accept how things were. I had managed all my life that way; why change things now, when all it did was create unhappiness? I had no sons to mentor, no males in my life who needed me, and the older generation was gone. I am alone.
I proudly stated my new attitude to a former member, expecting approval, or at least a "you know what's best for you" comment.
Instead I got an email tongue lashing; what a subtle "victim mentality" that was. A total cop out.
It hit me right between the eyes, and made me realize how much I clung to identifying as a victim; damaged, broken.
And the worst part is that I know, deep down, I enjoy it.
It lets me off the hook for trying many things, I get to be cynical instead of optimistic, and expect, even revel in, failure.
I cue up the sad music and go about my day, looking for the next chance to demonstrate my disconnectedness from the male species, reinforcing my identity.
As chance has it, another, closer, MKP meeting group just happens to be forming closer to me than the other one. I have no longer the excuse of distance.
I called the new contact person and said I was attending the next meeting; maybe they'll like my sob story, lol.
Comment
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Comment by Davis on August 7, 2012 at 10:24pm -
Somehow this favorite epigram of mine fits this discussion--
Outwitted
He drew a circle and shut me out--
Heretic, rebel, a thing to flout
But Love and I had the wit to win:
We drew a circle that took him in!
By Edwin Markham (1852 - 1940)
Davis
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Comment by Carl Monster on August 7, 2012 at 8:17pm -
Gin does a good job too, and I don't need to purchase any equipment.
But thanks.
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Comment by SB on August 7, 2012 at 6:34pm
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I see the distinction... My point, which I will keep pounding into anyone who will listen, including myself, is that we need to re-think the idea of becoming something we are not and instead focus on being the best we can be.
With regard to brotherhood, I am unable to help you there. I am a dedicated soloist.
With regard to fishing, brother, you need to get out there. A flyrod will do wonders for your attitude!
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Comment by Carl Monster on August 7, 2012 at 3:51pm
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You left out the latter part, which is key to me; when you are alone.
Read my first ever blog and you may see what I'm talking about.
Though honestly, I am shaky on what I specifically want or need to do. Perhaps it's just a mid-life crisis trying to surface in written drivel.
Anyway, can't talk about fishing, never did it.
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But it is easy to feel comfortable in your own skin
Hmmm...If that's the case, and if you are, then why are your blogs filled with a wish for significantly change? Go back and read your first response to my comment this morning. Your response seems, to me, to come from a guy struggling to change the foundations of his persona. Or perhaps I'm totally off the mark and we should just talk about fishing...
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Comment by Carl Monster on August 7, 2012 at 2:26pm
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Thanks SB.
Ideal Man is not something I ever had on the radar. I know it's a false objective.
I simply would like to feel a brotherhood as easily as I feel a sisterhood with other women.
I've pretty much been doing what you said for a very, very long time. My discontent is from realizing how alone this has made me.
But it is easy to feel comfortable in your own skin when you are alone. Sounds like a plan, lol.
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Will has a great point about being comfortable in your own skin…For many years I was not unlike you, always striving to be a better man while beating myself up over my failings. That was one of the reasons I joined this website—to better myself. It was on this site that I saw clearly a distinction between men. On the one side, guys like Mr. Dangerous, Fuckwit and Mr. T—obviously flawed dogs but not obsessed with it. They seem comfortable with themselves and are ready to tackle other issues than their own self improvement. Importantly, we don’t think less of them because of their faults, we accept them as they present themselves, then move on to engage in what they are saying.
On the other side are you, me, Will, Brian—guys stuck in the mode of trying to reach the Ideal Man, lamenting our failures and looking around at all of the others who seem to have their shit together. If we are victims, then we are victims to an unattainable stereotype in the same way that a high school girl starves herself to look more like Barbie (I’m sure there is a more modern icon—forgive my aging stereotype). After several months of thinking it through, I realized that I will never be the Ideal Man. Chasing this unattainable goal was holding me back, not lifting me up. I also realized that, in trying to live up to an ideal, I was not using my own skillset to its full extent. In fact I was suppressing my natural talents in order to adopt new ones. Over the past few months I have shifted gears and have experimented with shaping my own form of manliness based on my interests and inherent character traits. I go for a run instead of suffering through the chitchat at my son’s football practice. At gatherings, I stand with the men and nod wisely as they discuss sports, then go and have a drink with the women (they’re more fun and better to look at anyway). I now work on trying to be ‘comfortable in my own skin’ (thank you Will) by tuning up my assets and presenting myself as my own man—quiet, thoughtful, prepared and ready to roll. I encourage you shed the Ideal Man mantra and to join me in being the best man you can be.
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Comment by Carl Monster on August 7, 2012 at 11:52am
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Introverts actually do better one-on-one. It's in groups where I, at least tend to be less comfortable.
SB, on your specific point, with women I have no problems relating. One on one, or even in groups. They are a delight and a comfort.
But with men, there is this feeling of disconnectedness. I decided to simply come to accept that as part of me, stop letting it make me feel bad. Do nothing about it.
One man who knows me (a little) told me not to give up, to fight for changing that if that indeed was making me feel less whole, less like a man, which it does.
One of many issues to be worked on.
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Comment by Will on August 7, 2012 at 11:02am -
I don't know -- sometimes I can have spontaneous conversation w strangers, and I'm definitely an introvert. Being comfortable in your own skin makes you more versatile, I think.
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Carl--I was afraid that was going to be your answer. To me, that’s like saying you want to be rich, young, handsome and a superb athlete. The items that I listed are every man’s dream. Unfortunately, some of that is not going to happen no matter how hard we try, and its probably unrealistic to think that the majority of men have those traits.
Take, for instance, the ability to have a spontaneous conversation (item 1). If you are not a raging extrovert this ability will probably always elude you. Something about the extrovert persona exudes friendliness and encourages conversation. On the other hand, we introverts are tainted (or blessed) with an invisible barrier that allows us to do what we do best (observe and evaluate). The downside is that this barrier also trips us up when we try to converse with strangers or slight acquaintances. IMHO, to be a master at spontaneous conversation, you will need to shed this barrier by fundamentally changing who you are—talk first/ observe and evaluate second. Can you do that? Do you want to sacrifice a unique aspect of yourself to gain the ability to have a spontaneous conversation?
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