Haven't been coming here much lately. Part of me tells me I still don't belong here, I have no business developing the man part of me.
Lately, that part has been winning. Work continues to take the lion's share of my attention, and it becomes a comfort. I don't have to work on the man, just keep doing what I've been doing well for all these years, turning into decades. The pursuit of manliness is a luxury of time and for the much younger who are still jockeying for position in life.
I went to one Mankind Project meeting, but that was it. I found myself skipping one meeting because I was too tired, and that happened the next week, and then surprise! it kept happening.
So much for MKP.
Looking around in the gym one day, I decided, as I watched the other guys banter, that I would simply give up. I would be happier remaining in my shell, accept how things were. I had managed all my life that way; why change things now, when all it did was create unhappiness? I had no sons to mentor, no males in my life who needed me, and the older generation was gone. I am alone.
I proudly stated my new attitude to a former member, expecting approval, or at least a "you know what's best for you" comment.
Instead I got an email tongue lashing; what a subtle "victim mentality" that was. A total cop out.
It hit me right between the eyes, and made me realize how much I clung to identifying as a victim; damaged, broken.
And the worst part is that I know, deep down, I enjoy it.
It lets me off the hook for trying many things, I get to be cynical instead of optimistic, and expect, even revel in, failure.
I cue up the sad music and go about my day, looking for the next chance to demonstrate my disconnectedness from the male species, reinforcing my identity.
As chance has it, another, closer, MKP meeting group just happens to be forming closer to me than the other one. I have no longer the excuse of distance.
I called the new contact person and said I was attending the next meeting; maybe they'll like my sob story, lol.