Comment

Comment by Carl Monster on March 13, 2013 at 6:32am

Davis, as always thanks for sharing. Good story, and brings wisdom and perspective.

John, no, not ruthless. Just want to carry less fear, feel less pain. The rest was a flight of fancy.

Will, good point. Perhaps he is wrong, but I feel you both are right. (catching myself, I don't want to disagree with anyone, lol.)

Comment by Will on March 12, 2013 at 9:02pm

...I suspect your bro is wrong. However guileless you are, people who reject you (or anyone) I think are almost never rejecting the man, but an image they need so much to fight so much they find strangers to wear it for them. FWIW.

Comment by John on March 12, 2013 at 8:16pm

So you want to become ruthless?

Comment by Davis on March 12, 2013 at 7:35pm

Carl, I have a response for you but it is not about your experience. It is about mine. One "small" instance among many, many others which helped me begin to grow a thicker skin. This one experience happened 25 years ago. I wish it were the capstone experience that sealed my growth and development forever, but it wasn't. It was just one of many from the past as well as many into the future. Your circumstances are different. Your pain, perhaps, is more severe and devastating. I only write this to let you know that I have some understanding; maybe only a gnat's bite understanding of what you feel. None of what you read may help to console. It may even make things more painful. Nonetheless, I give you a small portion of my own struggle.

Here goes:.

I was 45 years old when I realized that my work load was more than I could bear. I brought it up to the administration since I thought that would be the logical place to air the stress. My principle advised that I should file a grievance since I was part of the teachers' union. Wow! What a pandora's box that would turn out to be! The administration immediately turned on me and said that I was acting unprofessionally in that I was packing my case by being late for my afternoon kindergarten classes. I had to travel between schools which meant I had to make sure my last class was back in their homeroom; make sure my room was closed and locked; lug my teaching material to the car which took several trips; get in the car and drive 15 minutes; park at the second school; transfer the same materials to the second building; then, head for my afternoon classes with equipment carts in tow. The results of the grievance was a reprimand placed in my personal file; a denial of the grievance which asked for travel time and a parity in the teaching schedule; and no backing from my union. I was devastated deep inside my being. Everyone, even the administration, knew that I had a rightful complaint. I was betrayed by friends in the administration and with no help from my fellow union leaders. Six out of the seven grievances presented to the board of education were settled in favor of the teacher. Mine was denied with a striking rebuke from the superintendent who stated publicly and in writing that my problem was not that I had too much to do. My problem was that I didn't have enough to do.

I became angry and bitter. I had devoted my life at that point to educating children and loved every day of teaching. I fought back tears when I knew that I couldn't up and resign. I sought help in a counseling situation. My family had no expertise in helping me. The counselor worked with me for months to reestablish some sense of esteem. He taught me about growing a thicker skin so that I would be able to weather rejection of any kind. I decided that I would seek a new position with another school district when positions came open the next summer. I was a finalist for an elementary position in my children's school district. The district said they would call me to let me know the results. After a couple of weeks of hearing nothing, I called the central office only to be told, "O, that position was filled two weeks ago by a more qualified applicant. Thanks for calling and checking about the results." Click.

I went to my wife and told her to give me an hour by myself...we were on vacation. I took a long walk and remembered all the therapy I had received six months earlier. I knew I couldn't change anything of the circumstances up to this point, but I could change my response to what had happened. I went back to my same teaching assignment in the fall, but this time with a stronger skin...not quite the thickness I needed but at least somewhat calloused. It took a while...a long while to forgive especially my friend (the principle) for his cowardice in not speaking up for me. I'm glad to say that issue was resolved several years later and we were both happy about the outcome even though I had been screwed royally.

The district did finally recognize that my position was so out of balance from my colleagues that the administration acquiesced and balanced my teaching load by sharing my load with  other teacher in my field who had way less in contact hours. That helped.

I wasn't done "learning" my need for a thicker thin. Too many stories to share.

As always, Carl, you know my heart in all of this.

Greetings from the "wounded healer,"

Davis