This is planet earth

And this is The Netherlands and this is Holland. Many people think Holland is the capital of Amsterdam. So if you think so right now, you are wrong.

Since ancient times we have survived on cheese and stamppot and selling slaves and spices. Stamppot is a dish where you take good food and potatoes and mash it to a pulp and eat it with a plastic sausage that you buy at a clothing and utility store.

Then in the 1600 we invented making land with windmills and putting fingers in dykes. Later we gave up the selling of the slaves and the spices but we still like cheese and stamppot.

Making land with windmills and putting fingers in dykes has in many ways laid the foundation of today’s society where we are born on bicycles. Even before we learn how to walk or even stand we are put on the bicycles to block the rain for our parents. But as soon as children can stand and walk they are forced to ride a bicycle everywhere.

Children ride their bicycles to school where they learn how to swim and speak other languages. And eat lunchpackets of bread and cheese. Sometimes also with peanut butter, but we call it cheese anyway. You graduate when you are 18 and you speak English and French and German and you can say Dutch words like Gezellig and Kaasschaaf and Angstschreeuw. Then we celebrate by smoking weed which is illegal but also legal. Then we are hungry and bicycle home and eat cheese and stamppot.

 Even though we are very good in making land we forget to make more for ourselves. That is why we have a lot of water. When it gets cold and the water goes hard we celebrate by not going to school and skate on the water.  It never gets really cold so the water isn’t hard enough and we swim in the winter with our clothes on. That is why everybody knows how to swim.

When we are cold from swimming in the winter we go to a stand that advertises with cookies and a drink that doesn’t exist and doesn’t sell either of them. They do sell pea soup which isn’t soup but actually stamppot. Then we ride our bicycles home and we eat more cheese and stamppot.

 On  December fifth we celebrate the birthday of a Turkish saint who lives in Spain with his slaves that all have the same name and put gifts in the shoes of children and throw very tiny cookies on the floor. The saint is called Sinterklaas which is why Coca Cola invented Santaclaus.

On 30 april 30th we celebrate the birthday of the queen but it’s not her birthday. The queen has to eat cookies from a string, and the rest of the country celebrates by wearing orange and selling junk on the street and drinking beer. Then we sing our national anthem which is about that we are Germans who love the king of Spain.

Five days later we celebrate that we were freed from the Germans who stole our bicycles but that doesn’t stop us from singing we are Germans who love the king of Spain. We celebrate by wearing orange and selling junk on the street and drinking beer. We bicycle home and we eat cheese and stamppot.


When we are done with studying we go and find jobs to make more land or cheese or beer or put fingers in dykes. Than we have babies and start a family. Our children are born on bicycles and we put them in front to block the rain. Then we make them go bicycling and ice skating and swimming in the winter and we put presents in their shoes. Then we celebrate everything by wearing orange and selling junk and singing about how we are Germans that love the King of Spain and eat cheese and stamppot. Then the bicycle starts over again and we say:  Welcome to Holland. 

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Comment by The Dutch Dastard on December 24, 2013 at 8:42am

BTW, I hope you realize this was purposely written in the worst 'dunglish' I could cope with...

Comment by The Dutch Dastard on December 24, 2013 at 8:41am

Thanks John...... It's so weird that most of this is actually true in one way or another. 

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