This is planet earth

And this is The Netherlands and this is Holland. Many people think Holland is the capital of Amsterdam. So if you think so right now, you are wrong.

Since ancient times we have survived on cheese and stamppot and selling slaves and spices. Stamppot is a dish where you take good food and potatoes and mash it to a pulp and eat it with a plastic sausage that you buy at a clothing and utility store.

Then in the 1600 we invented making land with windmills and putting fingers in dykes. Later we gave up the selling of the slaves and the spices but we still like cheese and stamppot.

Making land with windmills and putting fingers in dykes has in many ways laid the foundation of today’s society where we are born on bicycles. Even before we learn how to walk or even stand we are put on the bicycles to block the rain for our parents. But as soon as children can stand and walk they are forced to ride a bicycle everywhere.

Children ride their bicycles to school where they learn how to swim and speak other languages. And eat lunchpackets of bread and cheese. Sometimes also with peanut butter, but we call it cheese anyway. You graduate when you are 18 and you speak English and French and German and you can say Dutch words like Gezellig and Kaasschaaf and Angstschreeuw. Then we celebrate by smoking weed which is illegal but also legal. Then we are hungry and bicycle home and eat cheese and stamppot.

 Even though we are very good in making land we forget to make more for ourselves. That is why we have a lot of water. When it gets cold and the water goes hard we celebrate by not going to school and skate on the water.  It never gets really cold so the water isn’t hard enough and we swim in the winter with our clothes on. That is why everybody knows how to swim.

When we are cold from swimming in the winter we go to a stand that advertises with cookies and a drink that doesn’t exist and doesn’t sell either of them. They do sell pea soup which isn’t soup but actually stamppot. Then we ride our bicycles home and we eat more cheese and stamppot.

 On  December fifth we celebrate the birthday of a Turkish saint who lives in Spain with his slaves that all have the same name and put gifts in the shoes of children and throw very tiny cookies on the floor. The saint is called Sinterklaas which is why Coca Cola invented Santaclaus.

On 30 april 30th we celebrate the birthday of the queen but it’s not her birthday. The queen has to eat cookies from a string, and the rest of the country celebrates by wearing orange and selling junk on the street and drinking beer. Then we sing our national anthem which is about that we are Germans who love the king of Spain.

Five days later we celebrate that we were freed from the Germans who stole our bicycles but that doesn’t stop us from singing we are Germans who love the king of Spain. We celebrate by wearing orange and selling junk on the street and drinking beer. We bicycle home and we eat cheese and stamppot.

 

When we are done with studying we go and find jobs to make more land or cheese or beer or put fingers in dykes. Than we have babies and start a family. Our children are born on bicycles and we put them in front to block the rain. Then we make them go bicycling and ice skating and swimming in the winter and we put presents in their shoes. Then we celebrate everything by wearing orange and selling junk and singing about how we are Germans that love the King of Spain and eat cheese and stamppot. Then the bicycle starts over again and we say:  Welcome to Holland. 

Views: 87

Comment

You need to be a member of Art of Manliness to add comments!

Join Art of Manliness

Comment by John on December 24, 2013 at 8:43am

dutch guy i know here in sarasota has the same dry humor...funny a country so accomplished could be so odd...but maybe thats what makes it so?

Comment by The Dutch Dastard on December 24, 2013 at 8:42am

BTW, I hope you realize this was purposely written in the worst 'dunglish' I could cope with...

Comment by The Dutch Dastard on December 24, 2013 at 8:41am

Thanks John...... It's so weird that most of this is actually true in one way or another. 

Comment by John on December 24, 2013 at 8:01am

Dutch..this is freakin hiliarous. I now get Dutch humor

Latest Activity

Silviu Ilyevich Tulbya posted a discussion

An intricate college dating situation

Hello my fellow AoM members,I have come to a point in my life, as a senior in college, where I am frankly not interested in being a child anymore and have arrived at the point where, simply put, serious intentions have been on my mind, both with regards to my career, my spiritual and personal-growth life, and my romantic life. I want to clarify that I am not desperate to be in a relationship. I have been in 1 relationship that lasted one month, and I learned many things from it; including to…See More
13 minutes ago
Nick H replied to Patrick H.'s discussion Rowing
"I rowed all through my teen years. Competing in both sliding seat and fixed seat competitions. It's a great sport. As for sliding seat (the kind you're probably referring to). It can take a lot of practice before you really get your…"
14 minutes ago
Jay D replied to Tom Baker's discussion Masculinities and social class
"Josh isnt your son and calling him " as useless as a dog with two dicks." doesnt sound like a approbriate teaching method. Would you like it if random strangers talk to your son that way if he is asking for the link to a article someone…"
1 hour ago
Dannie Gray joined James Machamer's group
Thumbnail

Freemasonry

A place where many good and worthy fellows can discuss all things Masonic.
1 hour ago
Brian S left a comment for Rusty Rogers
"Hey Rusty, welcome to AoM. Not sure where you are in the "Beard" cycle but am somewhere between a trimmed and a full beard here. I think I will aim for a full trimmed if all goes to plan. So far so good anyway! Don't know if you chat…"
3 hours ago
Ben updated their profile
4 hours ago
Herb Munson left a comment for James
"Hi there James. Welcome to The Great Debate!"
4 hours ago
Brian Splash replied to Andrew's discussion How do you take your coffee? I prefer it black with a slice of butter in it.
"I only have one a day in the morning at home , French press with one tea spoon of condensed milk ."
7 hours ago

© 2014   Created by Brett McKay.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service