I don't really know where to start with this, but it's something that constantly plays on my mind, so i feel like if i just spew it all out, maybe that will help. Maybe it means any and all active members here will ignore this post as childish blather.

Perhaps they'd be right to do so, I don't know.

I am 25 years old. I am a desk jockey, in a role that no one understands. In a world where i generalise to "I work in IT, essentially", 80%+ of people respond with "oh, so computers and that, yeah?", there doesn't seem like much point in discussing with anyone what i do for work. This is not exactly a problem, but it narrows the field slightly in regards to the few obvious topics a person can discuss with another person, especially people I have just met.

Beyond this, I am also a Freemason. Take this however you like; however, when I mention this to people in actual face-to-face conversations, there are one of two responses I have encountered:

1. What's that?
2. So, do you, like, control the government?

Naturally this can be irritating. Not a big deal, again, as both allow me the opportunity to inform others of the basic tenets of Freemasonry, especially charity and brotherhood. It is at this point that people will either nod, still unsure, but certain they don't care enough to ask any further (and I'm not going to force anything on anyone, ever). Alternatively, the "control the government" type people will then pretend I haven't even responded, and continue to make fun of the idea, which angers me, but that response is also one that while made in jest, is not one I am able to sway. They think its a joke, and I'm not going to be able to change them.

Thirdly, in my spare time, I am currently trying open-mic stand up comedy spots around my city. This notion suggests to my friends, that if i can stand on a platform, and speak ideas apropos of nothing into a public address system, that indeed I should have no trouble with speaking with strangers. As I assume you reading this are clever enough to figure out, that where I am going with this.

I am no good at talking with people. I have undergone a ritual toward manliness, which I took quite seriously (as I hope the paragraph above conveys). I have followed (and continue to follow) a "passion" outside my work, which is an oft-touted idea for self-betterment, especially in articles, sites and communities tailored to men. That has not helped. If I have a 5 minute spot at a open mic, and it goes well, I will feel amazing, for the next 12 hours. If it goes badly, I will be annoyed and sad about it for a good 24.

The one thing I suppose to take away from my experiences, is that three big things in my life, no one really understands. This of course means that the few times in life I have through luck, or liquor courage (I'm not proud of it, but its there) actually talked to strangers, especially women, no good has come of it.

You can of course get there, that I am single, and at present I view it as the next problem to tackle in the advancement of my life. I've had one relationship in my life, many years ago, and since have allowed myself to succumb to unfortunate one-off encounters a handful of times.

I've been told in the past I'm depressed. But that's kind of nonsense isn't it? I consider myself keenly aware of problems I have, and do not have the tools to be able to solve them. The unfortunate thing is that with things like love, is that "tools" can't change the notion of whether or not a woman may or may not be attracted to me. I am utterly clueless as to what I am supposed to do. Part of the problem, I am aware of, is that I cannot presently envisage a world in which a woman would be attracted to me. You might say this is entirely the problem, but really, thats the feeling as of the time of posting, and spots of time in the past. That's not always there, but it exists. The real problem is that that notion grows, because that notion of "no woman could be attracted to me" grows with each instance of me "trying" to solve the problem, and failing dismally.

I've tried online dating, in the hope that the separation of beings, and the ability to take more time with messages and what have you, might mask the uncertainties I have about whether or not this person wants me speaking to them. Which could help. Result: nothing.

I don't expect anything to come out of this, and it would be over-reaching to say I feel better for getting it off my chest (if anything, I feel like I understand the problem all the more certainty), but I think it's probably a good thing I wrote this down.