ALL PUNS INTENDED

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The
ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.

2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you,
but don't start anything.'

3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.

4. A dyslexic man walks into a bra.

5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and
says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'

6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this
taste funny to you?'

7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing 'The Green, Green Grass of Home.' 'That
sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' Well, 'It's Not
Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says to
Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning .' 'I don't believe
you,' says Dolly. 'It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy.

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to
look at either.

10. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't
find any.

11. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which
produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very
little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered
from bad breath. This made him (Oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ....
A super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.

12. I went to a seafood disco last week. .... I pulled a mussel.

13. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

14. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and
says, 'Dam!'

15. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing
in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an
hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse.
'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said, 'I can't
stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'

16. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes
to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in
Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of
himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her
husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband
responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'

17. And finally, there was the person who sent seventeen different puns
to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them
laugh. No pun in ten did.

(Copied from a fwd from my friend Evelyn in Plano, Texas)

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Comment by Mike Conley on August 6, 2010 at 12:30am
These are excellent. hahaha
Comment by Phil on July 14, 2010 at 6:24am
My kind of humor - Thanks! I am cop0ying and forwarding to my fellow warped punsters!
Comment by Edward on January 7, 2010 at 10:41am
Thanks for the laughs, Herb.
Comment by Herb Munson on November 2, 2009 at 7:28pm
There once was a man named Benny. One day, Benny found a magic lamp laying on the beach and, picking it up, suddenly a Genie popped out. "You can have 3 wishes and there will only be one condition," the Genie proclaimed. Benny was ecstatic and after thinking for a couple of minutes he said, "I want to be the wealthiest man on earth, marry the most beautiful woman on earth and become the most famous violin player on earth." "Fine," the Genie replied. "The one condition is that you never ever shave your beard. And, if you do shave your beard, I will immediately appear and turn you into an Urn." "No problem," Benny agreed. Shortly afterward, Benny became tremendously wealthy, married the most beautiful woman anyone had ever seen and became a world renown violin player. All went well for many years until Benny's beard became so long that it was always getting in the way of everything, especially his violin playing. "That Genie will not remember me now," Benny reasoned with himself in front of the bathroom mirror one morning. Then, he shaved his beard off. Immediately, the Genie appeared and changed him into a Urn. Moral to the story:

A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
Comment by Nick H on November 2, 2009 at 6:23pm
A small monastery was in financial trouble and the monks got together to see if they could come up with ideas to raise money. One of them suggested that they should grow and sell flowers. So they do and, being located in a very religious town, they start to make a fortune as everyone is buying "holy flowers". Anyways, the local florist, whose business has dried up from the new competition, pleads with the monks to stop and gets turned away. Later, after telling his mother of his woes and his plans to sell his business and leave town, she tells him that she has an idea that might save him but needs to borrow $200. "For what?", he asks. But his mother won't say, so he pays her anyways, and goes home to sell his business. That night his mother uses the money to pay the local legbreaker, Hugh, to "have a word" with the monks. And his does, and the monks quickly shut down their business.

Which was to be expected of course, because...

Only Hugh can stop florist friars.

Sorry...
Comment by Nick H on November 2, 2009 at 6:15pm
Two hydrogen atoms are walking out of a bar. The first one says, "I think I left my electron in there". The second says, "you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive", replied the first.
Comment by Robert Disque on November 2, 2009 at 4:02pm
Two guys walked in to a bar. One guy turns to the other and asks: You didn't see it either?
Comment by Cowboy Bob Sorensen on November 2, 2009 at 11:47am
I walked into the men's room where I work. Everything was in use. I actually dared to say to the guy who came in behind me, "I can't tell if this is a full house or a straight flush".

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