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Comment by M. Travis Henderson on February 9, 2012 at 9:08am

Good morning,

I am really glad this group is on AoM. I recently joined the community, and I am also recently married. I've always been told marriage is hard, but had know idea how hard until I got married. I am blessed to have married up, and married my best friend. I am trying to be a good husband, but I kinda feel like I am flying by the seat of my pants.

Comment by Christopher Martin Yoder on November 7, 2011 at 8:33pm

Thank you Nathanael, I have started a thread. It has been a while.

Comment by Nathanael on November 7, 2011 at 8:10pm

Christopher, it might be easier if you created this as a thread rather than a comment.  Regardless, here are a couple quick thoughts.  First I would ask why, after two years of living together, you and your fiance aren't married?  Do you at least have a date set?  My first concern about the relationship would be that there might be a lack of commitment if the rate of progress toward the altar is so dilatory. 

Addressing your second point, as it is yourself that you can directly change, I suggest trying to express your subjective feelings in clear ways that are not directly accusatory.  The formula would be something like "I feel X when you do Y" or "This situation/action/whatever has made me feel X about you."  This form of communication removes you one analytical level away from your immediate feelings, and makes it easier to communicate them without making her as defensive.

Comment by Christopher Martin Yoder on November 7, 2011 at 7:54pm

I am currently engaged but my fiance and I have been living together for nearly two years. Recently, I have found that several things have been bugging me.

1. She has this sense of entitlement.  What I mean by that is that she thinks she should be able to do what she wants when she wants to do it.

2. When we do fight, I find it hard to maintain my calm.  I know that this is a weakness of mine.  When I analyzed it I found that when I am in an objective argument, where I have concrete material which I can reference, I can remain calmer whereas, in a subjective argument I tend to lose my temper because I have nothing to fall back on. This makes me the bad guy, which is partially true.

3. She has a very juvenile concept of money management.  I do not know how to change her perspective short of taking control of all money decision but this option seems too despotic for me.

 

I would greatly appreciate any advice that anyone might have. Thank you.

Comment by Eric Ciarkowski on April 6, 2010 at 6:18am

So I'm stating to hear a lot of talk against getting married from my so called peers. One friend of mine, a guy so absent of social expectations, lies, cheats, whines to no end, and is scarred at the idea of getting married and is trying to "persuade" me by emphasizing his fear. He keeps saying "you're 23 and getting married, 23!" The kid won't stop. I try to explain him why I want to get married, why to get married, and that I am not too young to do so, but he'll never listen. I feel sorry for his lady, being dragged along like that, but she's been told and warned.

I'm also hearing the rumor mill cycling that "I'm only getting married because her parents would disapprove of us living together". Her parents would disapprove, but so would we a bit. I mean moving in itself can be quite the commitment, I guess its just the culture of today that's so inclined to avoid marriage but still reap the benefits. Kind of shady if you ask me.

So far no one has said anything towards us not being good together, which I wouldn't be surprised if it was spoken behind our backs because those I know are starting to show their true colors. Any advice on how to deal with all the negativity, the naysayers, and the otherwise demon tainted values of those I can't escape for the time being.

Comment by Darragh Creamer on March 5, 2010 at 7:04am

I found myself wondering why at around this time Nat, why I wasn't running out the door, that is.
I rationalized--My family and friends were travelling, everything was paid for, where on earth would I go-- but the truth was, I was exactly where I wanted to be.

Good luck

DROC

Comment by Chad Bellanger on February 16, 2010 at 12:46am

I my name is Chad and I have been married for two wonderful years and look forward to sharing more often in this group.

Comment by Nick on February 16, 2010 at 12:27am

Eric, many congratulations!

Happy to be a part of the group. My fiancee and I are getting married this August after being engaged over two years (we were living abroad but wanted to get married in her home state of Michigan). My biggest concern is that I'll flub some critical element like not paying the florist on time or forgetting to wear pants to the ceremony. Granted, those probably aren't too likely to happen...one would hope.

Comment by Nick H on February 15, 2010 at 8:03pm

Hey Eric, congrats. Just noticed you're from the Sue. I wrecked my Pontiac Vibe there back a few years ago. Nice town.

Comment by Eric Ciarkowski on February 15, 2010 at 10:38am

I just proposed! She had no idea I was planning on surprising her at work. She said yes and we are starting to plan a wedding sometime between August and October.

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