What I still have not figured out is how to have bros..real ones...the kind of guys who hold your feet to the fire, and have your back.   I've been alone all my life and until recently didn't have the confidence or was too pain-in-tbe-ass needy.   I"ve had some amazing growth in the last year or so.  I'm much more confident, know who I am, and am much more comfortable in my own skin.  I still don't have "it" though.   What's the magic password or maybe I need a special decoder ring? 

 

 

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Hi Jon, So glad you expressed yourself. Thank you for your honesty. If I may add a comment about your situation. I have found over the years that there really are a lot of great guys looking for the same thing you are: male friendship. The problem from my simple view point is that we all want to be approached first when in reality we should make the effort to reach out. This is hard for male survivors. I am one also. But i have learned that if i show myself friendly others will befriend me. It is not magic it is sort of like the golden rule? Do unto others as you would have them do unto you...it is amazing Jon if you do this you will find some real genuine men, who really care and will be there for you brother...so, if i can be of any help to you i will. Hope your life is filled with goodness instead of pain and blessings instead of failure.
Have a good one buddy!

Thanks Allen.

One of the non-sexual effects of my having been sexually abused as a child and as a teenager is difficulty trusting men.  This effects so much of my life.  I continue to struggle with it, and I am 64.

Yeah I have a lot of trouble internalizing friendships - that seems to be a form of trust.  It's been difficult to know if someone is bullshitting me or even if they are coming back tomorrow.  

 

How can anyone know? Perhaps many men are in the same boat with this lack of trust.

I tend to expect negative things in relationships with men, and I feel it becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Morning Carl.  I've really struggled with this one this week.   I feel also that whatever it is that I do, it becomes self-fulfilling. 

 

I don't know what the hell they did to me before I was old enough to remember, but I wouldn't be surprised if I wasn't left in a f*ing crib for hours on end while somebody went to town.   There.  My rant for the day.  I feel betterl  :-)

Ha ha. 

Maybe the same here. My earliest memories on the playground included the feeling WTF is wrong with me

I just had it rubbed in my face this week, so it's been on my mind more than usual lately.

Sorry to hear about your experience last week.  

Here's some good news.  I went to my 45th H.S. class reuinon over the weekend.   My H.S. was in a small farming community so every body has known everyone else all their lives.   There's hope for us all.   I'd been doing a lot of work to really put this behind me.   My confidence was up and I was 'on'.   Had a great time.  I donminated.  Felt like I'd won something.   No more beat down little boy.  

 

Something I found - You can talk about being abused - you just gotta get on the back side of it so you aren't a victim telling a sob story.   Then, it's part of your identity - and what makes strong today.    You refering to 'victim mentality' below made me really think about my own operating mode all week.   Thanks man.

Very happy you were "on", and glad to help!

Did you make any meaningful reconnections at this?

I've been "on" for several decades now, I project such a good show someone last year called me Golden Boy.

I keep my true self well hidden, no one wants to see that.

I have also grown tremendously as a man in the last few years, but the bros written about on this site and who many here talk about remain an elusive goal. I've made lots of acquaintances, but that spark that takes it to the next level? I feel I need one of those rings too.

Lately as I get more comfortable in my own skin, like you say, I am starting to own my aloneness. My past has forged me as a unique identity; one to be proud of, not ashamed, even if the price is lacking good "bros" because the connection is not there.

Perhaps owning it and standing tall is a step in the right direction, away from neediness and insecurity. The victim mentality, which I fight daily.

I hear you man. 

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