Just wondering if anyone here had insight into this. A very attractive woman meets a guy, things are fantastic until he starts to abuse her. She FINALLY dumps him, takes a break from men, meets a new guy after a while and the cycle continues.
Why do these women attract guys like these?
Abuse* - Could be physical, mental, verbal Also come in the form of crude remarks against her such as "your fat, no one will like you", that sorta thing.
I'm no expert, by far ... but my initial reaction is that weakness attracts predators.
This is not to say that all abuse victims are weak. Predators are predators, and will eventually attack even the strong. But, if someone is repeatedly being culled from the herd and attacked, there is likely something about them that is attracting those that prey on the weak.
Either that, or they are attracted to predators for some reason, and thus are choosing lousy guys.
I don't think the reasons are as "primitive" as J.B. suggests (but then again I'm not a big "evolutionary psychology" kind of guy), I think the more immediate reason at least is that people who have been abused in the past (and I'm assuming that there has been some abuse there in her history bec psychologically healthy people have enough self-esteem to not tolerate abuse for 1 minute--if she "FINALLY" dumps him, then she is tolerating the abuse for too long, & something is wrong there. And by abuse, i mean it in the broad way that you do, but I would also include emotionally/physically neglectful parents, especially a neglectful father). Though people like her didn't like the abuse, I'm not saying she's a masochist, they are strangely "comfortable" with that type of dysfunctionality in the sense that even though it sucks, they know how to handle it, or at least function w/in that type of relationship--basically, it's comfortable to them bec it's all they have ever known. People who have been abused usually have very low self-esteem, having basically been conditioned to think that they somehow "deserve" the abuse, that they really are not worth someone better or better treatment.
Now, that is more for people who get into abusive relationships and stay in them. If a person gets out of them once they turn that way, then it could be that hey, you don't always know what a person will be like in a stressful situation until you get to know them better, and she just ran into some deceitful, two-faced guys, who know how to put up a good front at first. But if there is a pattern with most guys who she dates turning out that way, then, yes, I think it's pretty safe to assume that there is something wrong on her end. Not that she keeps doing horrible things to invite the abuse, but that she is attracted to guys who will behave that way. Not that many guys are abusive, so if she keeps attracting guys like that, then that has to be more than a coincidence, unless she only dates prisoners or something! At the outset, do these guys, though maybe not abusive at first, do they share similar characteristics? Is she attracted to "bad boy" types, thinking she can reform them? Are these highly driven, power hungry businessmen types who always "need" to be in control and in charge and have their way? Are they guys who have been abused themselves and haven't worked through their own issues enough, and so they abuse another to try to feel powerful? Again, mature and healthy guys don't abuse others, especially those they say that they love. These duds are using her to try to deal w/their own issues, and she is enabling them to, to her own detriment. If this is indeed a pattern w/her, she should get some counseling to better understand her own issues and patterns, before she looks to get in another relationship, lest the pattern continue. I can't imagine that she dates a wide variety of stable guys, and yet all these dudes turn abusive on her. The odds are against it. I'd imagine there is some uniting theme that attracts her to these different guys, something they have in common, even at the pre-abusive outset of the relationship. Any idea what that might be?
One is that women are attracted to men with a lot of confidence. Men who are abusive do seem to exude this. I think the solution is for her to think with her head as well as her heart. (And for good men to accept being confident.)
The other is that people marry someone like the opposite-sex parent, and work out the issues with the parent in the marriage. It's so common psychotherapists expect it and the rest of us make jokes about it. ("You're just like my mother!" he said.) Women dealing with aftereffects of an abusive father do often seem to connect to abusive husbands. The solution there, I think, is for her to be very conscious; for us to as a society become more conscious of the non-rational things that we do like that, and resolve them rather than ignoring them until they force their way into our awareness in this way.
There may be other reasons, but surely those reasons would be enough!
Its really quite simple, everyone is wounded in some way. Very few ever take the time to determine how those wounds affect their lives and relationships. In American culture beautiful women are treated very poorly. A good example is Strip clubs, or they are sometimes called "Gentlemens clubs" (they are as far away from being gentlemens clubs as you can get). The fact that men like looking at beautiful naked women, and will pay to do it, gives no consideration to what it is costing the Young women, who perform. In a recent study done it was determined that over 90% of the women that perform began using drugs. Many also became prostitues. Seducing a woman is really getting her to do something she doesn't want to do! Isn't that what rape is!
The facts are that doing lap dances and dancing naked for men causes wounds in these young women, that affects them for life.
Also there are men who have made it their "Hobby" to seduce women. I worked with a couple of them for a number of years. One of them claimed to have slept with over 1000. After watching him operate he most likely wasn't lying. Another one actually moved in with some Black guys just to study their style and tactics. One (who became a friend) said that if he danced with a women once he could tell if she would go to bed with him that night. Doing these things to women is sin on a grand scale (relational sin). A very large part of being a man (a Godly one) is protecting women, sometimes from their selves. I know that in American culture, even the slightest suggestion that women need to be protected from themselves will get you hammered by alot of women (the liberal one especially).
The way God made women and the way their hormones go up and down causes them to be more vulnerable to sexual issues through each month. Every man should keep track of his wife's cycle and learn how her hormones affect her moods and intrest in sexual activity.
I kind of got off track. Deep in the heart of most all women is the belief that her love will change a man and cause him to want to be a better man. A lot of women like "Bad Boys" and the challenge they offer. Our soul is made up of three parts Mind, Will & Emotions. Our mind is our Thinker, our Will is our chooser and emotions are our feeler. Alot of us have a broken Chooser. We make choices based on bad information. When I was a single guy and seeking a wife, the only women that got my attention were very attractive ones. Its a real ego boost for a man to be seen with a beautiful woman (a lot of the time 20 yrs younger than you). I learned after much prayer that my problem was that I didn't trust women! I only trusted their looks. I have a beautiful wife, but I assure you her looks have little to nothing to do with her quality as a wife. When God describes what a good woman is, he say's nothing about her looks.
You make some really good points, Tom. I disagree some with one point, when you said that "The way God made women and the way their hormones go up and down causes them to be more vulnerable to sexual issues through each month"--on the hormonal cycle, sure, I agree, but with the idea that women are more vulnerable to sexual issues than men, I disagree. Your friends who were into the whole seduction thing obviously have some major vulnerabilities when it comes to how they handle their sexuality! Whether that one guy slept w/1000 women or 100, he obviously has some issues. To become that intimate with that many strangers says he has some major issues with personal worth and affirmation, and some serious boundary issues. Us men have an easier time seeing the vulnerability and need for protection/help in women, but who protects us from our own vulnerabilities and wounds? The fact that porn addiction is mainly a male issue, as is visiting prostitutes, etc., etc, says that many men have some serious issues w/their sexuality, and aren't as "strong" and self-reliant or psychologically healthy as they might think. In the area of sexual expression, I think that men are actually often "weaker" than women, made worse by the fact that we are taught that we aren't supposed to see it as an issue.
Thanks Chris, what I didn't address was how women are suppose to protect us men. That is a whole different subject that I've discovered most women know very little about. The way men and view sexual issues is very different and understanding those differences very important. There are a couple of books written by a Lady "Shaunyi Feldhahn" (best sellers) "For Women Only" & "For Men Only" that are very helpful, they were to me anyway.
I'm working on a book
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"Here's a thought. Maybe he is afraid that he will get cruised and his desire will "show" while nude? It could be a part of himself that he recognizes but denies.
I can see why he might be put off by this, but on the other hand one…"