30 Days to a Better Man Day 14: Write a Letter to Your Father
For better or worse, few people impact your manhood and who you turn out to be more than your father. So today you're going to write your dad a letter. If you have a good relationship with your dad, write to say how much you appreciate him and how much you appreciate the good times you've shared together. If you don't have a good relationship with your dad, then write a letter about the ways he has disappointed you, but how you're going to push on and not make those same mistakes. You don't have to send the letter, but you do have to write it.
http://artofmanliness.com/2009/06/13/30-days-to-a-better-man-day-14...
http://artofmanliness.com/2009/06/13/30-days-to-a-better-man-day-14...
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Andrew Barbour on -
I've been blessed with two of my own kids, and it gives you an entirely new perspective on your own father. If he loved me a tenth as much as I love my own kids, I was a lucky kid.
If you do have kids, you know what I mean. If you don't have kids, just believe me that your dad loved/loves you deeply. If you had a good relationship with your dad, let him know.
Pops passed away almost 8 years ago, and I still tear up if I think about him too long. I'm so glad I told him how much he meant to me before he died. I can't imagine how I would feel if I had missed that opportunity.
Dads aren't around forever, so let him hear you while you can.
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Permalink Reply by WE Dodge on -
Andrew,
I agree with you that having a child has given me a new perspective on fatherhood. And like you, my father has passed.
The difference with me is that my father was 40 when he died, and I... was 11 months old. So I have no memories: zero, zilch. Yet, I still want to write the letter and am glad that Brett gave us the chance to do this. I might even publish it here. Here's why... one of my (many) female relatives gave me a copy of letter my dad wrote to his mother where he mentions me as "the baby." I cherish that letter.
I have often thought of things I wanted to tell him and this is a great opportunity to put some of it down. For all you guys out there... If I publish it on the blog, I would welcome your replies and your experiences with your dad - partly so I can be a better father, and partly so I can cultivate relationships in my life that will feed me and fill that hole that was left when he was not there. Thanks, guys.
Thanks also Brett, for this tough assignment, and for that incredible video from Def Jam poetry, it brought me to tears. And thanks to you, Andrew, for reminding me of the great honor it is to be a father. I had better get writing.
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Permalink Reply by Will on -
Yeesh. I just wrote the letter. I hadn't thought about it, so I hadn't realized that next to last time Dad talked to me, he conned me into something, and I let him. I'll have a phone conversation about this with him next week.
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Permalink Reply by Ross Moore on -
Written. Because I've dealt with it so much, and because I've grown up, I found that it was easy to write those things without bitterness.
My parents divorced when I was 11 (I'm 39), and he hasn't been a Dad since. He dropped off the radar about 15 years ago.
I found out many years later that my change from boyhood to manhood was facilitated by realizing that I have my own responsibilities -- home, job, wife, children. I couldn't blame him any longer for my life - I had to be the man! I realized that that can be a hard reality of life -- regardless of growing up well-to-do, then my father leaving, then living on welfare, on and on it went -- I had to face the truth that at some point Life's principles changed from "It's his fault" to "It's my responsibility."
I certainly learned very little from him, and have only a few vague memories. It has been hard to do as the 5th commandment says, "Honor your father & mother." But I've been able to do that, and I pray that he'll turn around someday.
The last time I spoke with him (over 15 years ago), he said, "You kids pushed me away." I remember those words every time I get upset with our kids. Am I going to give up? Am I going to quit? My kids will never hear me say those words, and they'll never see me quit. God has made me the captain of this little ship that I call "home," and I take that responsibility very seriously. I certainly don't want my kids to do this AoM challenge in 20 years and write the letter to me that I wrote to my father.
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Permalink Reply by thehuhman on -
Ross, for your kids sake, you have got to let go of the bitterness you have with your father. Until you let go of it, you will continue to give it power. Your kids will probably do better in life realizing that you have been able to forgive your father, and that the power of love trumps all. btw...this is experience talking.
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Permalink Reply by Michael Luevane on
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Permalink Reply by Matthew Lawrence on -
This one will take a few days of thought.
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Permalink Reply by Will Mitchell on -
Well, I did it. I was dreading it all day, and was thinking about not writing this letter at all. I haven't spoken to my father in nearly eight years, you see. I have my reasons, and you'll have to take my word that they are justified. I thought this task would just open a lot of old wounds and unleash some bad emotions.
Funny thing is, now that I've finished, I feel better. I feel a lot better, in fact. Better than I have in years.
It seems I'm healing after all.
Thank you.
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Permalink Reply by Dad of Divas on
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This one was not the easiest and I think I will have to work on it more in the future, but here is what I came up with - http://dadofdivas.blogspot.com/
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Permalink Reply by Tim Buck on -
I do not have a good relationship with my Dad, so writing the letter will not be easy. I actually did this a few years ago and it was very good for me, but I'm going to do it again now that I have a son (a lot has changed for me in the past two years). This website has been instrumental in developing those skills I didn't learn from my Father and I would like to say "thank you" to the Powers-That-Be who run and contribute to this last bastion of manliness on the web.
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Permalink Reply by thehuhman on
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Tim, I didn't have a good relationship with my dad either. I'm going to repeat myself here (from an earlier repy to Chris)
Some of the best memories I have of my dad are from his last few years on this earth. I spent most of my teen and adult years despising him, and then as if through an epiphany, I finally saw him for who is actually was, instead of a figure that could never meet my expectations. He was just a man, doing the best he could. Simple as that.
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