Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Rebekah on February 6, 2013 at 8:11pm

I suppose women with children may especially appeal to men who want to play the hero. I can see where the presence of a child would make someone extra reluctant to be confrontational or express anger.

I don't know if experience dating is really helpful. For me, it took some experience dating to recognize problems in myself that I needed to work out, alone, before I could be a partner in a healthy relationship. Like you, a lot of that had to do with recognizing passive-aggressive and non-confrontational tendencies and resolving to not behave like that any more.

What I did was read everything I could on romance - lots of silly stuff, some biographies, some surveys of scientific studies of relationships and attraction, AoM, etc. Where my reading gave instructions ("Stop hanging out with women and start dating them") I asked myself, "Do I think this is good advice?" "Does this match my worldview?" "Is this something I could reasonably expect myself to do? a date to do?" Where it was descriptive, such as the biographies or this very AoM post, I asked myself, "What would I do in this situation?" "What should I do in this situation?" "Where could this person have avoided this problem (at what stage, by doing what)?"

After several months, I had an idea of how to identify my feelings and how to express them, and what was reasonable to expect from a partner. For example, if I were you, my reading taught me to recognize that I was unhappy at the western bar because I felt excluded by my date and suspected my date was flirting with others. Then to think if this was something I could/should whisper in my date's ear and address immediately, quietly endure and discuss the next day, or if it was the kind of thing to blow up about. It's really the first part that's the hardest - identifying your own feelings and their source.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Matt P on February 6, 2013 at 10:38pm

Exactly. Emotion would immediately take over any thought about resolving. It was just anger and bad decisions. 

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Will on February 6, 2013 at 8:50pm

I don't know if the presence of the child is relevant.  If your relationship with her is strong, well, being a father (or step-) is a delight.  If not, you won't be his father (or step-) anyway.

But:  1 y o?  Boy, what a quick rebound from divorce!  Or whatever it was.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Matt P on February 6, 2013 at 10:35pm

Haha... yeah the dude is an asshole. It was more mixing the Nice Guy with the issues she had. The kid just made things go faster.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by David F. on February 7, 2013 at 8:57am

There is a difference between being a Nice Guy and a push over.  You can still be nice while explaining your needs and expectations in a relationship.

If she goes to a place that sucks up her social time with you, it is fine to ask to go to a different place for some "US" time.    

Also realize that requirements can be simple things to maintain and grow the relationship.  I have a requirement of myself and my wife that we have a good solid kiss good by in the morning.  Not a peck on the cheek, a real kiss.

It is okay to have requirements and you can still express those needs clearly and nicely.  As with any relationship there should be room to negotiate the timing of fulfillment of needs.  

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Michael B. on February 8, 2013 at 5:22am

Dismiss your fear of appearing jealous or inexperienced and replace it with the idea that voicing your contentions allows you to figure out if you are dealing with a partner that will develop a mutually enjoyable and interdependent lifestyle, or if you are dealing with someone that values independent behavior over a stable relationship.

 

And note, the word I used was interdependence, which would be similar to (and excuse the M word) "Marriage as a Mastermind." Two separate systems working together to create something greater.

 

NOT codependence - two broken systems leeching from each other.

 

 

Jealousy is perception of threat, not lack of trust. And trust is grand... but, I would rather follow Ronald Reagan on that; "Trust, but verify."

• ▶ Reply