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Permalink Reply by Sam Williams on February 26, 2013 at 12:41pm

http://artofmanliness.com/2012/04/10/beware-the-tit-for-tat-trap/ <--- Scroll down to "Nice Guys are Score Keepers".

 

http://www.drglover.com/no-more-mr-nice-guy.html

 

You could be over-extending yourself because you're too nice.

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Permalink Reply by Chris C. on February 27, 2013 at 9:39am

Heh - yeah, that's me.

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Permalink Reply by Sam Williams on February 27, 2013 at 11:33am

There's a likely root issue then. You're feeling powerless because you're not really acting on the responsibility you have to direct your life. I'm sure you feel somewhat impotent at home and at work, which would make anyone feel depressed and anxious. Plus you're probably on a pill that's notorious for destroying libido and drive, which only serves to make the problem worse.

Is the AD med you're on an SSRI? Common SSRIs:

Prozac Celexa Luvox Zoloft Paxil Lexapro Viibryd (an SSRI and 5HT1A receptor partial agonist)

If the above rings true, read Dr. Glover's book (free sample on amazon.com), talk to your Doc about maybe switching to Wellbutrin (a non-SSRI AD med) and be prepared to do the hard mental and emotional work that is required to overcome your self-destructive appeasing tendencies. Personally, I found that my nice guy tendencies were preventing my wife from experiencing true intimacy with me, because I would never be fully honest with her about who I was (desires, dreams, etc) because at the first sign of disapproval from her I'd keep those things to myself.

Let me know if I'm barking up the wrong tree.

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Permalink Reply by William W. How on February 26, 2013 at 3:54pm

Trying to do what? That's the first thing I'd figure out. What are you trying to accomplish at home and at work? If it's a bunch of things (and it probably is), what's the most important? Should the tasks be done in a certain order? Then, you'll have clearly defined goals and a plan.

This may be hard. Your job may be poorly managed, so all you have are a bunch of demands with no clear goal. Then think, "What would make you like your work?" "Should you position yourself so you can get a new job? What would that require?" It's easier to survive the hard days if you have a plan to escape.

And likewise at home. Maybe you can't understand what your wife wants. Maybe she wants something you can't give (more time at home when you're working long hours, for example). So, repeat the process in that context. What can you do to make it better? My spouse and I try to plan out weeknight evenings for the week on Sunday evenings. With a plan, we feel we have more control. We can't always make happy plans. It looks like I'll be somehow working many evenings for the next 3 weeks, but having an end in sight, again, makes it easier to bear.

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Permalink Reply by Carl Monster on February 26, 2013 at 7:32pm

What you are doing here...getting support.
"I get by with a little help from my friends...."

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Permalink Reply by Big Bad Moose on February 26, 2013 at 9:52pm

Those feelings sneak up on me, especially in winter months when I don't get as much sun.

I always give myself two options:

1) Do something I enjoy (go hiking, play videos games, carve a bear out of maplewood, spend quality time with the woman, play a song/head-bang to some rock...) then get back into the fray or

2) N.U.T.S!

http://artofmanliness.com/2012/12/18/nuts-why-remembering-christmas...

Regards,

BBM

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Permalink Reply by Colin M Corso on February 27, 2013 at 7:20am

All depends on the situation. Sometimes I will get outside and cut a cord of firewood, take out some aggression on the heavy bag, or just sit and have a good cigar. You need to find five minutes for you no matter what else is going on. My wife taught me that, and I always wondered what she met until I tried it.

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Permalink Reply by Chris C. on February 27, 2013 at 9:47am

Thanks all for the discussion. I've been on some light meds for a while now to even out my moods, I exercise 3-4 days a week. I'd like to take some time to myself, but that's causing some of the friction at home. And of course, in the way these things seem to have, just got the annual evaluation results at work.

We have a "forced ranking" system, where everybody in the group is pigeonholed - top 20% exceeds expectations, middle meets and bottom 10% does not meet. So after my supervisor lists all the great things I've done last year, I get slotted in, you guessed it, Does Not Meet. In the next breath she offered me yet another "opportunity" do take on a project typically handled by someone at a higher pay grade than myself. The explanation for the low ranking was that I was pretty vocal earlier in the year about pointing out that someone nominally superior to me basicly didn't know his arse from a hole in the ground. I take full responsibility for that. It was just one more brick in the wall, ya know?

Anyway, thanks for all the discussion. Sometimes it just helps to know that you're not the only one dealing with crap. Misery loves company, I guess!

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Permalink Reply by Sam Williams on March 5, 2013 at 4:21pm

Update!

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