Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Chuck Neal on March 8, 2013 at 1:09pm

Ask casually, and I would try something better than a movie. Try a meal, coffee, etc where you can actually talk. Movies can be both impersonal (no talking) and not an ideal first date.

But ask her. You are playing out scenarios in your head about what might happen but you don't know what will happen. Just go in, ask casually, and be ok with her saying no. If she does reject you determine if it is you, timing, etc but at least you will know and can either move forward or move on.  Wait around and then you get to lament not asking her when some other guy does.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Craig on March 8, 2013 at 1:32pm

i'm sure you can get over a bit of awkwardness should she say no.

So what if she says no. Move on to the next.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Shane on March 8, 2013 at 3:40pm

Pick a specific activity you want to do which you think she might enjoy, then invite her to go do it with you.  If you're going to go see a movie, go see a movie.  Don't hinge your evening on her being there or not being there.  My suggestion is; do the activity first, then get a meal after.  That way if the conversation lulls,  you can fall back on talking about what you just did.

Don't worry about "if" she will tell her friends.  She will tell her friends.  Most likely she will tell her friends while you're in the middle of doing whatever it is you're doing.  If this freaks you out, wait until you're more serious with someone and then find out what she has been sharing with whoever will listen to her.  For all the angst over boys and their locker room talk; it's nowhere near as invasive, personal, or graphic as what girls discuss with each other.

Maybe she doesn't want a boyfriend.  It's ok to be casual and do fun stuff together.  You really don't need to be serious all the time.  If her friends start asking you questions about if you asked her out or went out or whatever else, say, "Why?  Did you want to do something with me sometime?"  There's a lot you can learn with that question.

Do I ask her out and risk the awkwardness or play it safe and just try and be friends?

Take the risk.  Always take the risk.  Right up until the point where you need to care about someone else more than you need to care about yourself, take the fucking risk.  In whatever you do.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Dann Anthony on March 8, 2013 at 4:29pm

Just ask. A model in Maxim magazine once said something like "Want to know why we go out with jerks and gorillas? They asked, and you didn't." And forget being awkward around her and her friends. Why should you feel awkward for paying someone the compliment of asking her out? (Easier said than done, but I think that's the attitude to have.)

 

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Brian W. Barrett on March 8, 2013 at 10:24pm

Activity

10-4 good buddy.

Especially were say a random game of dodgeball or something could break out. It should be fun. What was that class?  F U N! Not a dinner then movie. Dinner is too high pressure you have to do the work of keeping things interesting, but the uncomfortable silence thing from "Pulp Fiction" can be used with amazing results. Movie, not physically involved first dates should be. Endorphins, blah, blah, blah, feel good, blah, blah, blah, come from physical activity. . .

Maybe go to a mall when all the crazies are there and make fun of them. . . toy store = play dodgeball and get kicked out. Try the thing from "Elf" and jump on the beds in a furniture store (I still have to try that) and get kicked out. . . whatever HAVE FUN!

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Jess Levens on March 8, 2013 at 4:38pm

Also, her really good friends say things like "she doesn't want a boyfriend"

This could be telling. If HER FRIENDS know you like her, I bet they have told her. This could be their gentle way of warning you that she isn't into you. Or not. Who knows? Broads are crazy. 

Either way, make sure to say "Josh Out" as much as possible. The girls will love it.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Tim G. on March 11, 2013 at 5:16am

Perhaps. Or those mentioned friends are also male (his statement could imply that his friends were female while hers are male), and in that case it's also possible that they have been trying to ask her out and get in her pants, but didn't or failed. They are now just jealous that someone with more balls will potentially steal their "friend" away, and attempt to keep OP away by claiming "she doesn't want a boyfriend."

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Rob on March 9, 2013 at 1:17am

I have two bits of advice--worth roughly that much I think.

One is that if you want to ask her out, you always have the option of doing so in an open-ended sort of way so that it's not a "yes or no" question in the first place. I suppose this is similar to Chuck's advice to ask casually.

"I've been thinking about going to the ____ concert"

(wait for reply)

"Oh really? Well, you're welcome to join me if you like."

Whether she responds or not, either bid her a cheery adieu if it seems like a good place to end the conversation, or keep talking about something else...as if it's a standing offer but you're not waiting for her to respond positively.

If you really want to warm her up to the idea without creating any tension, bring up the venue ("oh, I'd really like to go to..."), then change the subject, then work the conversation back to the venue, be prepared to change the subject if she doesn't give any buy signals, etc, and only make the offer if and when you get some indication of interest...but even then, very casually, prepared to move the conversation somewhere else if no buy sign.

The 2nd bit of advice is that the situation is not "awkward". YOU FEEL awkward. "The situation" isn't doing anything to you; you're doing it to yourself.

If she screamed "HOW DARE YOU ASK ME OUT! WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE, YOU NO GOOD DIRTY SO-AND-SO!", you should (in theory) be able to calmly say "It's too bad you feel that way", tip your hat, be on your way, and whistle down the sidewalk with a spring in your footstep.

To the extent that you can, don't allow your internal feelings to depend on other people behaving any particular way towards you. It's not that you don't care about their feelings, it's that they're not relevant to your own feelings. You can only control your own thoughts, feelings, and actions, not anyone else's, and you would do well not to be held hostage to their caprices. There's nothing that she should be able to say that should upset you next time you see her. Nothing at all, not at all.

Imagine if she did reject your proposal, and next time you saw her, you acted is if nothing at all had happened. Absolutely no difference in your mood or your behavior. This would tell her that your happiness does not depend on her, and ironically, it would tend to increase her respect for you.

If you can manage that, you'll find it has an amazing and positive effect on your social life.

All the best.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Josh on March 11, 2013 at 5:59am

Hey guys,

Thanks for all the advice, I really didn't expect this many replies. The replies really made me want to ask her more haha.

Anyway, I think I'm going to ask this week, probably between Wednesday and Friday, when a good opportunity presents itself.

-Josh

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by J. on March 11, 2013 at 9:42am

Don't wait. The time will never be 'just right'.

~Napoleon Hill

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by Erg on March 11, 2013 at 9:54pm

Seriously, just ask her.  If she says no, oh well, to bad.  You will ask out many, many girls.  You will get gunned down many times.  This is not a bad or awkward thing to ask.  Your asking her out on a date, not to be the third in a three way.  The long term consequences are nil.

• ▶ Reply

Permalink Reply by SteveSF on March 19, 2013 at 9:12pm

Josh, you like a girl and you think she knows you like her. If that's the case, then the longer you wait the more she thinks you're scared. Not good.

You can't yet worry about whether she wants to date you on an ongoing basis when you haven't been on a single date!

I'm not sure about the awkwardness you seem to be worried about. But the way I see it, if you ask her out and she says yes, you're a man who went for what he wanted. If she says no, you're still a man who went for what he wanted. If you go on the date and she wants to see you again, nice. If you go on the date and she doesn't feel a spark with you, you move on.

I see nothing that you should be ashamed of in any scenario. It's all win win for you.

Go for it.

• ▶ Reply