There's been a few discussions recently that have touched on one spouse being concerned about the other's health. We've discussed changes is sexual appetite that occur in one spouse but obviously affect the other. We've discussed sleep patterns and related health concerns, which have similar dynamics. Now we're discussing frequent, but accidental cuts shaving.
My question is, When is it OK for one spouse to say to the other, "You're hurting yourself" or "I think you might be sick" or "I think this thing you're doing has a medical cause, and it's affecting me" and "I'm worried about you."
We seem to know it's not OK to bring up weight gain. But what about significant weight loss? We seem to know it's necessary to bring up a drinking problem. Why is cuts shaving different? or is it? Sleep apnea, and some other sleep disorders, are often only caught by roommates, in college or marriage.
Personally, if I'm constantly cutting myself shaving, or getting a rash from a beauty product, or have a dangerously low weight, I'd want the people who love me to bring it up and suggest alternatives.
Any? Weight gain should also be addressed, if it's "I'm worried about diabetes" not "You're too fat." (Surely it's better to feel slighted than to get a serious health problem.)
Actually, I think there's a debate on whether it's OK to bring up weight (and other appearance) changes that change a spouse's sexual attractiveness.
I think it would largely depend on the rest of the relationship. My wife and I talk about it because it is important, not just for surviving for 50 more years, but also for our relationship now, as it influences attraction to each other. But there needs to be a lot of trust and commitment for that sort of honesty to be present, as it's something most people are very sensitive about.
Why is it not ok to bring up weight gain? Not only does it affect a couples sexual welfare, but it also affects the diet of the household in addition to the medicaal side effects of wieght gain (diabetes, etc).
In my opinion, most grown adults with a normal mental capacity can take care of themselves and do not need someone mothering them or nagging them (male or female) to do something a different way. To answer your question, an emergency situation contitutes the following per Merriam Webster: ": an unforeseen combination of circumstances or the resulting state that calls for immediate action "
Is the weight loss planned and healthy?
Is this a grown person shaving that is in control, coherant and capable that just cut themselves by accident or are they purposely cutting themselves?
Most grownups do not need a babysitter telling them how to, or not to do something. Perhaps your case at home is special and you need to really keep an eye on someone, and in that case I would say you do not need this site telling you how to work that but a different area altogether.
Is it accidental if it happens every time? That's an honest question. I spent a summer studying the issue in another context, and I see both sides.
I've known dozens of adults who didn't know what I considered basic first-aid-type knowledge, being the child of 2 healthcare professionals. It's a fine line between letting an adult you love just be an adult and saying, "You know, if I put some cream on that mosquito bite [or cut or burn], it'll stop itching."
I think this is a question that will vary due to personal preferences. Some guys will want you to kiss their boo-boos, others will consider you offering creams and bandaids as nagging.
It CAN be an accident if it happends every time. Again, what type of individual is this? Is this someone that is capable and could at least pass Psych Eval or get above a 65 on an IQ test? How bad are these cuts? Are they really THAT bad?
I too was raised by 2 Healthcare Professionals, You can offer help, but not everyone really needs that or even appreciates it.
In the other post, it seemed like a person of average intelligence and executive function, with somewhat worse than average cuts shaving. What should the wife do? or, if it's the wife cutting her legs shaving, what should the husband do? What if the whole spouse has more knowledge of the issue?
When one spouse suffers, the other does, too.
I'm fine with any of those concerns being addressed. Not much of a marriage if you can't talk to your spouse -- about sex, weight, health, sleeping, shaving, or whatever. Don't nag me, or talk to me like I'm one of the kids ... but, we can talk about whatever you want.
My objection in the shaving thread wasn't that she brought it up. I wouldn't be upset with my wife for saying "Honey, you're cutting the hell out of your face with that butcher knife ... why not get a regular razor instead?" (Or ... "you're bleeding all over the place, how about a bandage?" Or, "you look like death warmed over, can I get you a Ny-Quil and some soup?"). Ask me a question, or engage me in a conversation. Don't give me an order.
The problem was that his answer -- "No, I want to give this straight razor thing a shot -- practice makes perfect," -- was met with yelling and nagging to the extent that he thought he needed to get her on board in order to continue.
Cosigned with this. From how I understand a marriage, you should be able to address everything. How you do it is the real concern/trick?
The issue, at least with the shaving thread, was not that she expressed concern, but how.
If a woman gains a few pounds of fat more than her husband likes but not enough to be dangerous in the short term, he does not have the right to confiscate any and all junk food and put her on a celery and draino diet.
The fact that the wife *told* him what he was going to do about *his* health issue was the problem (if we can even call yourself shaving a health issue, its a booboo at worst).
I have a number of chronic but non life threatening health issues, which I manage pretty well with. If my missus expresses concern over the amount of pain I'm in from arthritis, I'm hardly going to fault her for it. If she informs me that she thinks I should go to the doctor, I'm not going to get mad. If she crushes up narcotics and NSAIDs which I'm both opposed to the use of and puts them in my food without my knowledge, that is a different issue.
Should I be diagnosed with a terminal condition, lets just say cancer as I smoke like a tire fire, and my choices are painful treatment which will prolong my life by a few months, or live comparatively pain free for a few weeks then drop dead, and I choose the latter, it is not my spouses' place to override that.
IF you accept this statement in this situation, then whether the issue is arthritis, a razor, a few pounds around the midriff or ashy elbows you must accept that a person's body is their own domain, and there is no situation where another should issue ultimatums over the other's autonomy if that person is a sane, rational adult.