Hi! I just had a question to ask some older more mature men! I have a friend that's 18, 1 year older than I, and he has expressed a desire to get physically involved. BUT he doesn't want to have an emotional relationship. Or be my boyfriend. Does this raise a red flag? Is it normal for a young man to do this? Thanks!!

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It's normal enough, I guess.  The sex drive is pretty basic, and there's no requirement that anything else other than physical attraction and desire be operating. 

I think you're asking the wrong question, though.  It doesn't matter if it's normal for a guy to be looking for completely no-strings sex-for-sex's sake.  The question is whether or not that's what YOU want.

Maybe, particularly if you're new at this, it would be better to hold out for someone who also wants an emotional relationship with you - someone you care about, and who cares for you to explore this . It makes the whole thing so much more intense, so much more satisfying.  What he's talking about eliminates the whole beautiful "falling in love" part, that takes this out of the realm of "scratching an itch" to making love.  

I'm not suggesting that you have to wait until you're married, or ready to commit forever.  But maybe something more than friends-with-benefits?

Thanks! Very helpful!

Short answer, he wants sex. If I remember correctly from one of your previous post you are christian and planing in being chaste in which case, Yes it is a red flag.

I have to admit that I'm confused.  Not by your response, but by the OP's question.  If this is true, (Christian, determined to be chaste until marriage, etc.), why even ask the question? 

I assumed it was a sincere question, i.e. that it was something the OP was considering. In 61 years, I've only had one FWB relationship.  We're still friends, without the "extras" (which were last present over 40 years ago).  Having sex didn't hurt our friendship, and it never interfered with our ability to form romantic relationships with others (the "benefits" would stop whenever either of us had a romantic partner).  So it can be OK.  But neither of us was satisfied with that as a steady diet, and we each did pursue more traditional romantic relationships.  The "benefits" ended for good when I got involved with a woman that I wound up marrying.  So our story had a happy ending (except the part about me marrying my first wife...)  But I don't think most FWB relationships do.

The problem with FWB relationships is that usually one of the parties to the relationship actually hopes it will grow into something more, and when it doesn't, there's a lot of hurt, often destroying the friendship.  It doesn't have to work that way, but often does.

A 17 year old virgin, even if not Christian and dedicated to saving herself for her wedding night, should probably look elsewhere for her first experiences - maybe to someone who was into her enough to want to be her boyfriend...

Fair enough.  My answer still stands: this is fine if it's what you want, too, but I think you could do better.

He does not want you. He wants it. Normal? Sure. In your interest? I think not. Of course, whats in your interest is not his focus.
Get rid of?.. as in?

As in i think he's looking to "Hit it and quit it." Sorry if that's a bit blunt, but it sounds like the truth as it stands. You can do better. 

It is a red flag for you but not so much for him.

He is not ready to settle down and wants to play the field.  He is being honest, for which I give him points for that.

You need to decide if you wish to be his f-bunny, and just enjoy sexual drugs released or if you want more.

If you want more, find someone else, you will not be able to reel him in.

Also assume he has slept with half the school, so use a condom and get on birth control.

What does he really want?

He wants to have sex with you but not have to bother talking with you about anything.

Well since you are not a hideous creature you can assume 95%+ of the 18 yo guys you know feel the same way this guy does. Even the Christian guys you know who say they want to wait until they are married feel this way. Sounds pretty normal to me. The only abnormal part is what Shane said above. Most guys don't come out and be so blunt about it.

One of the last posts here made me think of something to add.  I get the impression that the OP doesn't have the kind of relationship with her parents that would make her feel comfortable talking to them about this.  And I don't know what part of the country she lives in, and what kind of sex-ed they give the schoolkids there.  So here goes some "Before you Become Sexually Active 101"

1) If at all possible, talk to your mom or your dad and let them know that you've made the decision to become sexually active.  I understand this may not work for you, but if you have a parent that will have your back, that makes everything so much easier.

2) Get a checkup by your gynecologist, and have him/her prescribe a method of birth control.  I don't know about how it works wherever you live, but around here, if you're 17, there would be no need for the doctor to talk to your parents about it.  The pill is the most effective method open to you, but you'd have to be disciplined about taking it EXACTLY according to the instructions.  If you do, it's better than 99% effective.  If you don't, it's not even close.

3) Insist that your partner use latex condoms to prevent disease.  Condoms aren't nearly as effective as The Pill for birth control, but The Pill does nothing to prevent disease.  And the diseases are nothing to fool around with.  AIDS is forever.  Condoms + The Pill, if used correctly, is close to 100% effective for birth control, too. 

This is ESPECIALLY important if you're contemplating being sexually active in a casual way, possibly with multiple partners.  Remember that you don't just sleep with your partner, you sleep with all his partners - unless he's as careful as you are, which you have no way of knowing with a casual partner (no matter what he tells you.)

In a more committed, monogamous relationship, (which doesn't have to be marriage, just something where the two of you are committed to being together exclusively, at least for a while), you can both get tested for the nasty diseases, and that can loosen up the condom requirement, provided you are absolutely RELIGIOUS about taking your birth control pills.  Otherwise, stay with the "suspenders AND belt" method - it's good to have two lines of defense. 

4) Decide, before you become active, what you will do if something happens and items (2) and (3) above don't work out.  Will you keep the baby?  Put it up for adoption?  Or seek an abortion?  Make sure you know how you feel about those three options, because they're the only three there are when you're pregnant.  Being an 18 year old mother, wed or unwed, is a pretty bad start to life.  Don't wait until you've missed two periods and are frantic to decide what you'd do. 

Also - don't count on an 18 year old boy, no matter what he says or how committed he says he is - to be much help if you get pregnant.  It will be pretty much on you to deal with it, unless you get extraordinarily lucky.  Don't bet on getting extraordinarily lucky.

I think it is normal for a young guy to feel like this, but to express this is different.  He seems to want a stable of women who he can "keep company" with and have no responsibilities or comitments with.  This is a serious lack of respect for women in general,  I think he is fishing to see if you would be one of these women.



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