Hi! I just had a question to ask some older more mature men! I have a friend that's 18, 1 year older than I, and he has expressed a desire to get physically involved. BUT he doesn't want to have an emotional relationship. Or be my boyfriend. Does this raise a red flag? Is it normal for a young man to do this? Thanks!!

Tags: guys, heartbroken, love, purity, sex, virginity

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It's normal enough, I guess.  The sex drive is pretty basic, and there's no requirement that anything else other than physical attraction and desire be operating. 

I think you're asking the wrong question, though.  It doesn't matter if it's normal for a guy to be looking for completely no-strings sex-for-sex's sake.  The question is whether or not that's what YOU want.

Maybe, particularly if you're new at this, it would be better to hold out for someone who also wants an emotional relationship with you - someone you care about, and who cares for you to explore this . It makes the whole thing so much more intense, so much more satisfying.  What he's talking about eliminates the whole beautiful "falling in love" part, that takes this out of the realm of "scratching an itch" to making love.  

I'm not suggesting that you have to wait until you're married, or ready to commit forever.  But maybe something more than friends-with-benefits?

Thanks! Very helpful!

Short answer, he wants sex. If I remember correctly from one of your previous post you are christian and planing in being chaste in which case, Yes it is a red flag.

I have to admit that I'm confused.  Not by your response, but by the OP's question.  If this is true, (Christian, determined to be chaste until marriage, etc.), why even ask the question? 

I assumed it was a sincere question, i.e. that it was something the OP was considering. In 61 years, I've only had one FWB relationship.  We're still friends, without the "extras" (which were last present over 40 years ago).  Having sex didn't hurt our friendship, and it never interfered with our ability to form romantic relationships with others (the "benefits" would stop whenever either of us had a romantic partner).  So it can be OK.  But neither of us was satisfied with that as a steady diet, and we each did pursue more traditional romantic relationships.  The "benefits" ended for good when I got involved with a woman that I wound up marrying.  So our story had a happy ending (except the part about me marrying my first wife...)  But I don't think most FWB relationships do.

The problem with FWB relationships is that usually one of the parties to the relationship actually hopes it will grow into something more, and when it doesn't, there's a lot of hurt, often destroying the friendship.  It doesn't have to work that way, but often does.

A 17 year old virgin, even if not Christian and dedicated to saving herself for her wedding night, should probably look elsewhere for her first experiences - maybe to someone who was into her enough to want to be her boyfriend...

She asks the question because she's young, inexperienced, and wants an answer.  Good on her for being unafraid to ask.

Fair enough.  My answer still stands: this is fine if it's what you want, too, but I think you could do better.


He does not want you. He wants it. Normal? Sure. In your interest? I think not. Of course, whats in your interest is not his focus.

Normal enough to want it.  Normal enough to want it from someone like yourself.  Not so normal to verbalize it.  My guess is he's trying to get rid of you.

Get rid of?.. as in?

Mafia hit. Bury you in the desert.  Disappearing you.  That kind of thing.

As in i think he's looking to "Hit it and quit it." Sorry if that's a bit blunt, but it sounds like the truth as it stands. You can do better. 


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