I broke up with my girlfriend about 3 - 4 weeks ago now and while it has been difficult I have been keeping myself busy and referring back to my bucket list to try and do some of the goals I set myself. I'll list the things I am doing to keep busy, move on and try and be a better person below. But I am also interested in hearing what you other gentlemen did after a breakup and what was particularly helpful. It will be interesting and helpful for me to hear a little about the journey some of you have been through after a breakup and I am sure it'll be helpful for others too. I'm finding this period a little more difficult and am looking for a bit of motivation and hearing what other people did to motivate themselves will be a great help.
1) Playing the guitar, I have had "learn a musical instrument" on my bucket list for quite some time and this combined with more free time, a desire to waste less time on Facebook and a need for cheap hobbies led me to the guitar.
2) Working out, I am doing calisthenics using Al Kavadlo's books and website. Again it is free which is a big bonus for me at the moment, it makes me feel and look better and it fills up some time three times a week.
3) Studying Italian (and German). I live in a bilingual region in the Alps in the north of Italy and plenty of my free time is now spent studying Italian (and a little German). Again I prefer to study at home because it is cheaper and I can tailor what I am doing better. This is a big hurdle for me because if I want to find another partner I need to speak Italian and preferably German to a good enough standard to go and talk to girls. Also it is important to lead a fulfilling life here.
4) Eating better. I eat basically no junk food, have cut down on breads and pastas and am eating lots of vegetables alongside some meat, cheese and eggs. Fruit, yogurt, honey and a few other things are still in. I feel much better eating the way I am and am spending less too.
5) Budgeting more, I have taken this opportunity to really sort out my finances which should be finished sometime next year.
6) Making more friends and trying out new things. I've walked to my first peak in the Alps and tomorrow I'm going to go slacklining.
Well The last girl I was in a relationship with that I cared about was a few years ago. It was 2007 I would say, I was pretty nieve then, a little too giving. However I do not believe we should be worried about that that is the whole point of being in a relationship to find someone you can spend the rest of your life with. We were going about 4 months, not a long time I know but this is a different age where kids start dating at 9. What the hardest was, was why she broke up with me, I didn't really get bent out of shape over being broken up, it was just cause her friend got in an accident on her way to see her boyfriend, the girl I was with was her best friend so she called me up and her words were "um... I just can't do this anymore". No talking about it, no like I think this is a short coming in you I would like to work on it. No real reason why. So that was that. I was hurt plus I had to see her often because she was in my circle of friends . I was always a little different even than my friends who built there lives on being different and rebelling against the bullies that picked on them. Metal heads, misfits, and the like, mad at the world because they had a roof over there heads and a family that cared about em.
So after I finished trade school, I went to Florida to purse recording arts and music business. I didn't really have a girlfriend, just a girl whom I was really good friends with and close too, one night we ended up having sex. I was a little darker then, drank smoked, confident yes but I wasn't in a very good place. I hurt her pretty bad because even though she said she knew that I would be going back home to Boston after school ended and I didn't want a relationship and she sad she understood, well it still hurts when a girl gives herself like that to a guy and he ends up leaving, I mean there is no more fully giving way a girl gives herself to a guy. I had to put it behind me, a little before I left Florida, well God started calling or rather he always was but know I had the guts to listen. I wanted to go back home and come back to the Church I was raised in, and my Grandfather was raised in, I needed to be a model for my family. So I came back home to Massachusetts, went back to St.Monicas, and I got confirmed and started carrying my cross. I knew what i was doing was counter cultural, even know in Italy it is, so many forgot thier story. Just like Ireland is now. It is sad, I have family in caianello west of naples I think. I was raised with knowledge of ethnic tradition, and when your mature enough to embrace them you have to save em. I read a book called La Storia or The Story in Italian, of course before Italy became a state a man form the old country would say the I am a Christian from so and so province. Catholic is in the the bloodlines of all Italians and I said I am not gonna shy away from embracing that. So I started working contract as a controls engineer. I was focused but now I understood the women who were really bad for me, and those who were good. two years ago I wen to a parish yard sale to help cause I became a Knight of Columbus. While there there was a mother and her daughter who were setting up tables. I just felt I had to talk to her. Long story short I am still with her and she is the love of my life. I am also studying Italian, or I have been studying it, know a few things, but I always try to learn more until I am out of school and can devote more time.
You are lucky to live en il paese vecchio. I promised to not go there until I can speak the language of my ancestors better. Italy is more than Gelato and " oh my god I am away from my parents and in Europe I'm so entitled'.
The thing that helped me the most was Faith, I know it doesn't sound like WOW or dramatic but it's true. I taught me a lot about what the important things are and a deeper way to see things, plus it helped me see my deepest longings I was really low before and now I know the man I am and the man I would like to become. I let God take over and you know what I prayed for a spouse and well then I talked to a girl at a yard sale. His way is always better. If I was still with the girl I was with I would not be doing any of this and I would be lacking in leading a good life.
My advice if I could give any or have any authority to, is to not be so quick to finding another lady. you want Class and Curves and I'm sure in Italy you got a a lot of that type. Villages are good places to look as they are probably more traditional. Don't skimp on tradition it makes you a better person. There is more to life than just feeling good. Relationships have good and bad and in between days, each of those are a blessing. The right thing may not be easy but it sure as hell isn't complicated.
Also, love is willing the good of the other. love is patient love is kind. hold to these notions because they are truth no matter what anyone says.
Ricordate Dio e' con te.
Wow, thank you for the very comprehensive reply. It is an interesting contrast between the first two relationships and the one you are now in which I am sure reflects on personal improvement.
I have never found God and I haven't really looked. I always figured (like you said above) if he speaks to me then I am happy to listen but I can't force faith. At the moment I am reading a book on Buddhism so there is a spiritual element to my recovery after the relationship. A lot of the lessons, which I am sure mirror Christianity, are residing deeply in me and I can feel some change happening. So maybe it is just a different route up the same mountain!
I don't really live in il paese vecchio (the old country for the non Italian speakers reading this) but rather a bit of Austria that Italy decided to take after WWI. The history of Alto Adige/Sud Tirol is actually really interesting. When I go out into the villages people speak German and are of Austrian lineage not Italian. Tradition and Christianity still play a big role in Italy and it is also strong in my region although the amount people practice is falling.
I agree with your notions of love and I am in no rush to find it again. I know that when I am happy in my own skin the right relationship will happen.
Please, if you're in Italy and near the north let me know and we'll strive to meet up. Keep up the Italian and come and see the land of your ancestors.
I have reflected and I know what to take from the relationship to be a better person and better man and am tying that into the things I do now. Some of the key points are I gave her too much time and failed to have a life around our relationship, I avoided conflict too much when it came to problems and there are a few other things I need to think over too. But don't worry I am doing it.
Those all sound like good things to do, and way better than what I did.
I didn't have it together quite as well when my other two serious relationships came to an end. I think it is a case of live and learn with breakups.
Lets see.. Spent two weeks drunk, started smoking again, and eventually bought a one way ticket to Australia.
Sounds like you've got it figured out though, your list in more of less the same list I made when I finally got my shit together. A good friend made the observation that often times when in a relationship, people focus so much on the other person that they forget how to be an individual. So in the event that they lose said person, they don't really know how to function on their own anymore. To move on the person has to learn how to be an individual again, and the best way to to do that is work on learning and improving, which you're already doing, so carry on!
Also, Al Kavadlo is awesome, been following him since he appeared on youtube. You should also check out Elliot Hulse and Ido Portal if you haven't already found them through Al Kavadlo.
So are you still in Australia or did you find your way back to the States? Fortunately this time around I pretty much already had myself together and missed the drunken rampage lots of people go on. Did you manage to kick the smoking habit again?
Yes, I think your friend is right. Your lives risk overlapping too much which can feel pretty disastrous when you break up. I was definitely in this situation but very fortunate in that I'd just moved into a new house and am very quickly forming a friendship with one of my housemates. He is also really active so I met lots of people just hanging out with him. That and getting out of the house and meeting people early has meant I built up the framework of an individual life pretty fast. But your friend's observation is spot on and my number one observation in myself coming out of this relationship.
I love doing calisthenics, it makes me feel great. I can't do anything particularly impressive yet, elbow levers and handstands against a wall (along with all the squats, pull ups, push ups, etc) but I think next year I'll be moving onto some more advanced stuff. I don't really like Elliot Hulse, I appreciate he is probably on the right wavelength for a lot of people but I don't like his manner. I haven't heard of Ido Portal, I'll check him out now.
Hmmm, in the past, at the 3-4 week mark(depending on the length of the relationship, guessing we are tlaking about something that lasted at least a few months) it was usually about the time period I went looking for and finding morally questionable women for a couple more weeks.
The relationship was a year and a half. I don't speak Italian well enough to find morally questionable women so that time is spent studying at the moment.