Hello gentlemen, sorry for the long post. I've tried to condense things but it's still quite long!
I've been dating a girl I really like for a few months now. I enjoy being with her more than any other girlfriend I've had before (which in some ways isn't saying much because I've always known deep down my previous girlfriends weren't right for me), she makes me laugh, likes good films and music and is intelligent.
However, a few times now I've been on the receiving end of her temper and it's making we worry a bit. Last night things came to a head, which not only upset me deeply, as she at one point basically said she wasn't sure if she wanted to see me again or whether there was a future for us.
To cut a long story short, she started a new job and about a week in told me she felt the head chef/ owner was belittling her and criticising her excessively, making it really unpleasant for her to work there. This continued for a while and she texted me at work, saying that she had been in tears because of her boss, another time that she was unable to cope. I tried to be as supportive as possible in my texts and offered to meet her or speak to her on the phone, if she needed support. I met her late last week and she was upset and started crying when I met her, saying that her boss had been really harsh to her again. I comforted her and said that if working there makes her feel that bad, then maybe she should consider quitting, as no job is worth making you feel terrible.
Anyway, last night I bought us tickets to go to the movies to help cheer her up and things went downhill rapidly. Admittedly I made some mistakes that didn't help things: she got in a mood because I didn't ask her how she was when we met, admittedly I wasn't sure if I should ask, as I knew she wasn't feeling good and was unsure as to whether she would appreciate being asked. Immediately, I noticed she wouldn't look at me and only gave one word answers to my questions. I tried to make conversation as we went down to the platform but she basically just ignored me. Things got worse, when I became apparent that I made a mistake with regard to the location of the theatre and that the subway station we met at didn't connect directly to the stop we needed to go to and we might miss the start of the movie.
By the time we reached the right stop, I'd already asked her more than one if she wanted to see the movie. Eventually, she said she wanted to go home and told me she was upset with me for not asking how she was when we met. I apologised and suggested we go for a drink instead. Things continued as they started, she wouldn't talk to me, sat in silence and gave one word answers when I tried to make conversation. At one point, I told her I was going to leave but tried to patch things up.
Eventually, we decided to leave and she said she wanted to go home. I was walking to the train station with her to make my own way home and asked her if she wanted see me when she came back from a cottage she will be staying to try and make herself feel better. She avoided that question. A few minutes later, I told her she didn't answer it and she said she wasn't sure. She said that it doesn't bode well for our relationship that when I tried make her feel better, I made her feel worse. She also said on a side note that I seem too negative about things in general sometimes.
She said at this point, that she would feel more comfortable discussing things at her house. We chatted along the way a bit and she said she gave one word answers partly because she wanted to sit in silent, which I found odd when you're with someone.
Once we got to her house, it seemed like everything changed almost instantly. She said she was a 'bitch', which I interpreted as a way of saying sorry without really saying sorry. She became affectionate and basically acted like nothing had happened. I slept over but today have felt really hurt about what she said: before we've almost always had really good times, apart from one or two other occasions when she's also been moody for apparently no reason.
Was she justified in the way she acted? Should I be worried about a girl who said those things to me last night and then acted as if nothing had happened today? One factor might be that she's on her period. How do you suggest dealing discussing this incident with her?
I know she's got a temper on her and don't know if she said what she did about our relationship out of anger. She knows I like her a lot, I always try and support her when she feels down and took her out for a meal last week as a treat but she basically accused me of not caring about her, which she must know isn't true but I don't want to be treated like a doormat.
Good point. Without sounding sexist, I think what you said often applies to women more than men!
I can tell you it's no fun at all.
She didn't treat you well. She was too caught up in her own drama.
And she's someone that can get over it the next day. She gave an apology, or enough of one.
So apparently if you're with her, you'll have to take some occasional moodiness which she won't snap out of immediately, and then she will later. Can you live with it?
I can relate to her. I get moody. I don't want to talk. Unlike her, I will say, "I'm in a mood. Best not to talk now." But many, especially younger people, aren't at that level of self-awareness yet. ...and if I don't want to talk, it doesn't mean I'm ready to break it off. I just don't want to talk.
So I'd say you just have some adjusting to do, if she's someone you care enough about to adjust to.
I do like others' suggestions about: don't take it on yourself. It is not your fault and you can't fix it.
Rules of choosing a mate from my mom.
1. Live with the person, see if you can deal with them when they are not their best.
2. Sleep with the person so you know if you are compatible.
3. See the person drunk, that is who they will be to you in 5-10 years when the relationship has worn in.
If you want to know how she will be when she is really tired late at night with your children. I suggest seeing who she is drunk.
No kidding. Sounds like a good way to become the babydaddy of an alcoholic prostitute, though.
Unfortunately, it's not just this incident. There's been other times when she's lost her temper over seemingly small incidents (usually because she's been upset by something I've done or haven't done).
One example was about a month ago. I was really tired and had had a really bad day, because I'd moved house the day before and then had to spend about 6 hours cleaning my old house from top to bottom after having travelled for hour an hour across town.
We had a meal at a nice restaurant and she kept on swearing and there were children on the next table. I told her there were kids next to us and she continued swearing, at which point I said something like "ssshh, there's children there", quite gently. At this point, she went into a sulk and made it clear she didn't want to speak to me, eventually saying that she wanted to go home... all I'd done was suggest she doesn't swear in front of children! I didn't even raise my voice!
That's what concerns me. I do like her a lot and I suppose I am a bit scared of having an argument and losing her but at the same time, there's a limit to what I'll put up with. If she breaks up with me because she's been upset by a minor thing, then I suppose she's not worth it.
You had asked about warning signs in your post, and I think I've now seen that based on your descriptions of different incidents. I think there are warning signs here. Only you would know if this behavior stems from a bad temper or issues of immaturity, but her way of handling disappointments leaves something to be desired. Is it temper or does she just need to grow up? I don't know, but I'm glad for one thing. I'm glad that you are not suffering a silent martyrdom. Many men have endured this behavior for many, many years. I'm glad you're seeing that her behavior is rather dysfunctional. It is unhealthy for her and unhealthy for your relationship. I do hope that she wakes up before it is too late. She is, without realizing it, pushing away a person that probably is the best person that has ever come her way. I admire your personal strength.
Let her go and make someone else miserable. Some people are not happy unless they are miserable. If things are going well they will seek out or invent things to be upset about. I don't know if this applies to your girlfriend or not but it sounds like too much drama for me.
The length of a relationship determines the amount of cr@p someone should put up with. The graph above shows a cr@p scale of 1-10 with 10 being pure drama and craziness. The green line above is the max limit while the purple line is the general day to day. The majority of the time the drama and other cr@p should be below the purple line and only occasionally spike up toward the green line. I'm not a relationship expert but to me it sounds like she has spiked up above the cr2p limit several times for a relationship that is only a few months old. Let her go; there are lots of other girls out there who are not such a hassle.
Its only a "warning sign" if you can't live with it.
Your girl has a temper. She's melodramatic, oversensitive, high-maintenance, moody, not-at-all self-aware, and occasionally ridiculous. Most girls are afflicted to varying degrees. The question isn't about her. The question is about you. Knowing who she is, and that she's as likely to get worse as she is to get better -- can you live with that?
Finding the right girl isn't about finding the perfect girl. It is about finding the girl whose imperfections you can live with for the rest of your life, or who at least motivates you to want to try.
"or who at least motivates you to want to try."
Maybe this is why my brother keeps marrying the ultra crazy stripper types.