Was my girlfriend justified in her response or should I take it as a major warning sign?

Hello gentlemen, sorry for the long post. I've tried to condense things but it's still quite long!

I've been dating a girl I really like for a few months now. I enjoy being with her more than any other girlfriend I've had before (which in some ways isn't saying much because I've always known deep down my previous girlfriends weren't right for me), she makes me laugh, likes good films and music and is intelligent. 

However, a few times now I've been on the receiving end of her temper and it's making we worry a bit. Last night things came to a head, which not only upset me deeply, as she at one point basically said she wasn't sure if she wanted to see me again or whether there was a future for us.

To cut a long story short, she started a new job and about a week in told me she felt the head chef/ owner was belittling her and criticising her excessively, making it really unpleasant for her to work there. This continued for a while and she texted me at work, saying that she had been in tears because of her boss, another time that she was unable to cope. I tried to be as supportive as possible in my texts and offered to meet her or speak to her on the phone, if she needed support. I met her late last week and she was upset and started crying when I met her, saying that her boss had been really harsh to her again. I comforted her and said that if working there makes her feel that bad, then maybe she should consider quitting, as no job is worth making you feel terrible.

Anyway, last night I bought us tickets to go to the movies to help cheer her up and things went downhill rapidly. Admittedly I made some mistakes that didn't help things: she got in a mood because I didn't ask her how she was when we met, admittedly I wasn't sure if I should ask, as I knew she wasn't feeling good and was unsure as to whether she would appreciate being asked. Immediately, I noticed she wouldn't look at me and only gave one word answers to my questions. I tried to make conversation as we went down to the platform but she basically just ignored me. Things got worse, when I became apparent that I made a mistake with regard to the location of the theatre and that the subway station we met at didn't connect directly to the stop we needed to go to and we might miss the start of the movie.

By the time we reached the right stop, I'd already asked her more than one if she wanted to see the movie. Eventually, she said she wanted to go home and told me she was upset with me for not asking how she was when we met. I apologised and suggested we go for a drink instead. Things continued as they started, she wouldn't talk to me, sat in silence and gave one word answers when I tried to make conversation. At one point, I told her I was going to leave but tried to patch things up.

Eventually, we decided to leave and she said she wanted to go home. I was walking to the train station with her to make my own way home and asked her if she wanted see me when she came back from a cottage she will be staying to try and make herself feel better. She avoided that question. A few minutes later, I told her she didn't answer it and she said she wasn't sure. She said that it doesn't bode well for our relationship that when I tried make her feel better, I made her feel worse. She also said on a side note that I seem too negative about things in general sometimes.

She said at this point, that she would feel more comfortable discussing things at her house. We chatted along the way a bit and she said she gave one word answers partly because she wanted to sit in silent, which I found odd when you're with someone. 

Once we got to her house, it seemed like everything changed almost instantly. She said she was a 'bitch', which I interpreted as a way of saying sorry without really saying sorry. She became affectionate and basically acted like nothing had happened. I slept over but today have felt really hurt about what she said: before we've almost always had really good times, apart from one or two other occasions when she's also been moody for apparently no reason.

Was she justified in the way she acted? Should I be worried about a girl who said those things to me last night and then acted as if nothing had happened today? One factor might be that she's on her period. How do you suggest dealing discussing this incident with her?

I know she's got a temper on her and don't know if she said what she did about our relationship out of anger. She knows I like her a lot, I always try and support her when she feels down and took her out for a meal last week as a treat but she basically accused me of not caring about her, which she must know isn't true but I don't want to be treated like a doormat.

Views: 822

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

People are emotional beings.  We get moody.  Don't take it personal.  And don't try to fix it either.  The easiest way to deal with someones moods is to take everything at face value and draw hard lines.  Next time she calls herself a b itch, agree with her.  Take her home if she's going to wreck your movie.  And don't ever, ask more than once.

Good point. Without sounding sexist, I think what you said often applies to women more than men!

Not really.  Men just don't have tits so you don't really try to put up with their s hit.  Ask a girl about the moods we get into and how fun it is to deal.

I can tell you it's no fun at all.

My wife says the exact same thing.

She didn't treat you well.  She was too caught up in her own drama.

And she's someone that can get over it the next day.  She gave an apology, or enough of one.

So apparently if you're with her, you'll have to take some occasional moodiness which she won't snap out of immediately, and then she will later.  Can you live with it?

I can relate to her.  I get moody.  I don't want to talk.  Unlike her, I will say, "I'm in a mood.  Best not to talk now."  But many, especially younger people, aren't at that level of self-awareness yet.  ...and if I don't want to talk, it doesn't mean I'm ready to break it off.  I just don't want to talk.

So I'd say you just have some adjusting to do, if she's someone you care enough about to adjust to.

I do like others' suggestions about:  don't take it on yourself.  It is not your fault and you can't fix it.

Rules of choosing a mate from my mom.

1. Live with the person, see if you can deal with them when they are not their best.

2. Sleep with the person so you know if you are compatible.

3. See the person drunk, that is who they will be to you in 5-10 years when the relationship has worn in.

If you want to know how she will be when she is really tired late at night with your children. I suggest seeing who she is drunk.

Terrible advice.

No kidding.  Sounds like a good way to become the babydaddy of an alcoholic prostitute, though.

 

JB

Being a man myself, and clueless of the female psyche, what worries me here is not her temper but what seems to me to be her basic inability to leave a bad day at work behind after the day is over. I'm not suggesting that she sweep her career woes under the rug and not talk to anybody about them, but there is a time and place to discuss these issues--and the very beginning of a date is not the way to get an evening started. Therefore, I don't see a problem with you not asking her smack dab at the beginning of your night how she was since you already sensed it. Furthermore, as a person who has endured the silent treatment from people in the past, I find that behavior very hard to forgive. If she really wanted to pour her heart out to you about her woes, it's her job to tell you, not to expect you to read her mind. I don't mean to bash your lady, you mentioned that she is very intelligent and good company most of the time. I'm here to tell you that it is she who had better wake up. You're a good guy to put up with this guff, but no one should have to tolerate this on a regular basis. In my book, that would be abuse. I think I would let this incident go until the next one, then at that point, I would try to let her know that she is giving her work troubles power to ruin her personal life. I would not hand her an ultimatum, but if the behavior remains unchanged, I'd consider looking for a woman who can better balance her life obligations and keep her emotions in check. It does sound to me like she is hurting and loved ones are the closest and easiest persons to bear the brunt of it, but she seems to be pushing it to the limit. If she doesn't appreciate a dinner out, there are many women who would!

Unfortunately, it's not just this incident. There's been other times when she's lost her temper over seemingly small incidents (usually because she's been upset by something I've done or haven't done). 

One example was about a month ago. I was really tired and had had a really bad day, because I'd moved house the day before and then had to spend about 6 hours cleaning my old house from top to bottom after having travelled for hour an hour across town.

We had a meal at a nice restaurant and she kept on swearing and there were children on the next table. I told her there were kids next to us and she continued swearing, at which point I said something like "ssshh, there's children there", quite gently. At this point, she went into a sulk and made it clear she didn't want to speak to me, eventually saying that she wanted to go home... all I'd done was suggest she doesn't swear in front of children! I didn't even raise my voice!

That's what concerns me. I do like her a lot and I suppose I am a bit scared of having an argument and losing her but at the same time, there's a limit to what I'll put up with. If she breaks up with me because she's been upset by a minor thing, then I suppose she's not worth it.

You had asked about warning signs in your post, and I think I've now seen that based on your descriptions of different incidents.  I think there are warning signs here.  Only you would know if this behavior stems from a bad temper or issues of immaturity, but her way of handling disappointments leaves something to be desired.  Is it temper or does she just need to grow up?  I don't know, but I'm glad for one thing.  I'm glad that you are not suffering a silent martyrdom.  Many men have endured this behavior for many, many years.  I'm glad you're seeing that her behavior is rather dysfunctional.  It is unhealthy for her and unhealthy for your relationship.  I do hope that she wakes up before it is too late.  She is, without realizing it,  pushing away a person that probably is the best person that has ever come her way.  I admire your personal strength.

RSS

Latest Activity

Pale Horse replied to Andreias's discussion proactively dealing with anger
"This thread gets sweeter and sweeter."
1 minute ago
Jack Bauer replied to Andreias's discussion proactively dealing with anger
"Hah!  You win.  That's the greatest implementation of a movie quote I've ever seen.  Everybody take the rest of the day off.   (embedded for ease, but credit to Nate ... )   JB"
4 minutes ago
The Sage_KS commented on E.A. Burt's group Moleskine Notebooks
"If you're looking to prolong the life of your large Moleskine then I'd recommend this leather notebook cover. Found it on Amazon and wish I'd done it sooner. The quality is outstanding and although a bit pricy well worth the…"
6 minutes ago
Nathanael replied to Andreias's discussion proactively dealing with anger
10 minutes ago
Rick Shelton replied to Andreias's discussion proactively dealing with anger
"Nope.  Too ignorant."
11 minutes ago
Curtis replied to Andreias's discussion Gender Identity vs Gender Expression Or How I Figured Out People Have NO Idea What Masculinity Is
"I suspect OP may be referring to biology more on a chemical level, rathen than anatomically.  The aesthetics of what is manly are always changing anyway - one thing we know for sure though, titties ain't manly! It's a difficult one to…"
11 minutes ago
Penelope replied to Stuart Charles's discussion Moneys... and what to do with em
"$1,000 is not 6 months' expenses.  $1,000 is the same cost as the major car repair you can write a check for or put on a credit card. 6 months' expenses might be a crumbling chimney, or we can think about other major repairs often…"
12 minutes ago
Rick Shelton replied to Rush's discussion Praying for Wife Material. Selfish Prayer? in the group Christian Men
"Don't just ask to be the man that deserves the girl, work at being that man."
14 minutes ago

© 2014   Created by Brett McKay.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service