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Unfaithful Women - What to do?
Greetings Gentlemen,
I'm typically one giving advice on this site, so it's a bit of a role reversal now for me to ask for your help, as a community.
A month ago, I found out my fiancé had cheated on me - two months prior to our engagement. It was a two night event (weekend) with a guy she'd met that Friday night. I had suspicions, so I asked her directly if anything had happened, and she swore to me, promised up and down, that nothing had happened. With no direct evidence and two years worth of trust, I told her that I believed in her, and we moved on, happily, and I proposed two months later.
As it turns out, she slept with him Friday night (after knowing him for a few hours) and again Saturday night. She’s lied to me about it this whole time (8 months now) and I only found out when mutual friends were breaking up – and the disgruntled guy decided to share this little secret.
She’s since admitted it, we’ve discussed it, gone through the whole range of emotions, and now I’m stuck on a fence about what to do.
As I know infidelity often has a cause, I've looked at myself to see if there was anything I could've done to contribute, and the answer is genuinely "no." I even followed the advice on AoM about Affair Proofing my "marriange" and we had fun, we had date nights, I always continued to "date" her. I left her random love notes, random flowers at work "just because." There was certainly no shortage of affection or attention, but also not too much that would somehow "smother" her.
I love her, but this whole situation has:
1)Taken away the “magic” and “destiny” of our relationship – we had a great story of fate how we came together, but that’s now ruined for me.
2)Made me question whether or not she could do this again, and if I could trust her, especially since I gave her an opportunity to tell the truth, and instead she lied for 8 months.
3)Made me question her integrity – I mean, she slept with this guy after knowing him no time at all.
4)Made me question whether or not she really is the ONE to be my wife.
So there was the cheating, and also the lying. Of course she lied because she was scared I would find out about the cheating. I ALWAYS told her that cheating was the one thing I would never stand for. That she and I would commit to each other and that we would be able to work through anything (we both hate the thought of ever divorcing), but that cheating would be the one thing that would break that bond.
I’m not a guy to be dependent on women or let them run all over me. With any other woman, this would’ve been the end, period. Something about her (hence the reason I proposed) is keeping me here, and making me question myself. To choose between her and my principles.
On top of all this, I’ve received a job offer in another town – one where my sister and her husband live and just had a baby. This would be the perfect time for me to move, move on , and be closer to family. The question is – do I bring her with me? Do I end this now? Or do I turn down the job and stay here, hoping to work things out in time?
I’m just looking for thoughts from anyone who may have been in a similar situation. I know it’d be tough to move on and start new, but is that what I need to do? I always get mixed advice on counseling, and working through issues, but is this an issue that we can really “work through”. Things shouldn’t be this difficult when we’re not even married. This should be a happy time in our lives, instead it’s probably the worst time in my life.
Thoughts?
Tags: counseling, divorce, infidelity, marriage
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by JonEdanger on -
Her > kick > curb.
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Permalink Reply by Michael on -
I'd add one more step.
Her > kick > large ballistic arc > curb
No question about it. Treason to a nation is unforgivable. Infidelity is the same thing, if not worse, on the micro-scale.
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Permalink Reply by Will on -
You have been given a gift: you found out before the marriage that she is someone who will cheat on you; who will do it casually, not (say) giving in after resisting some grand passion, but with some guy she didn't know (and there's 3.5 billion more of those around); and who will lie to you, not a little shading of the truth, but "promising up and down" a bald-faced lie.
I don't know what you should do. (And I'm so sorry it happened!) But I do know that if you marry her, you are agreeing to be married to someone who casually cheats and tells you bald-faced lies about it. Is that the life you want? It's the kind you'll get.
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Permalink Reply by Nick H on -
As Will said, be thankful you learnt this before you said "I do". Dump her. Do it now. Not next week, not even tomorrow. Then cut her out of your life. This new job near your sister sounds perfect. They say when life closes one door it opens another and I think you are best to walk through this one. ALONE!
We all make mistakes. But sleeping with a stranger twice while still with you is a bit much. Then being too cowardly to tell you. Is this the type of person you want to spend your life with? What other lies is she hiding?
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Permalink Reply by Matt on -
In full agreement. I was once in your shoes King and Nick is right. Be thankful for the dodged bullet of finding out before you were married. Get as far away as you can from her. Cut those ties and cut them quick. They say don't burn bridges but a woman who can't be faithful, the bridge is better off burnt to cinders.
I made the mistake of trying to "stay friends" with my ex-fiance after she did that. It was a huge mistake, and a few months later I corrected it by giving her my last 2 cents my mind had for that day and cutting any remaing ties with her.
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Permalink Reply by Nathanael on -
I agree with the consensus. What strikes me about the matter is that she was both casual and deliberate about cheating on you. Casual, because she had only known him for a few hours beforehand. Deliberate, because the next day, after presumably having time to sober up (if necessary) reflect on what she had done, feel remorse, etc...she went and did it again. She seems to have combined the worst of the one-night stand and the long-term affair, bringing together casual infidelity and repeated betrayal.
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Permalink Reply by David F. on -
Simple, do you think you can build a loving trusting relationship with this woman for the rest of your life?
What was your first thought? Yes or No?
That is your answer. When you are stressed in life you need to know your mate has your back. If you don't feel that foundation, you are headed to a divorce should you marry.
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Permalink Reply by Sam Williams on -
"As I know infidelity often has a cause, I've looked at myself to see if there was anything I could've done to contribute, and the answer is genuinely "no." I even followed the advice on AoM about Affair Proofing my "marriange" and we had fun, we had date nights, I always continued to "date" her. I left her random love notes, random flowers at work "just because." There was certainly no shortage of affection or attention, but also not too much that would somehow "smother" her."
Sounds like you had compatibility/comfort down. What about the things that make women sexually attracted to a guy?
http://badgerhut.wordpress.com/2012/09/10/the-mainstream-trains-men...
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Permalink Reply by Scott Omega on -
"I’m stuck on a fence about what to do." Ugh. As for blaming yourself, you are playing into her hands. There is no excuse for what she did.
Burn all photos of her and be grateful you did not marry the wretch.
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Permalink Reply by Johnny on
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agree, dont blame yourself. later down the road when your emotions calm maybe use this as a learning experience and see ifyou slacked on doing those things that may cause someone to stray however it sounds like you were a pretty good bf and there's never ANY reason to strya. if somene has an issue if your not being romantic anymore etc she should bring that up to you not bang some dude two nights in a row.
i agree withthis being bad. not only was she able to do it casually but after sobering up, having a day to think about it, feel guilty, etc she went and did it again.
i would say kick her to the curb but obviously its harder for thsoe of us with no skin in the game and no emotional ties to this girl its easier for us to say that. your going to do what your going to do regardless of what anyone says.
ive been in your situation before and whether weak or in love or not wanting to give up i took them back. that said it never got better and i actually cheated later because i felt i needed to get even. some say relationships cna be evne strnoger after cheating but personally i think if she cheated and i dint she has one up on me thats always in my head. always in the back of my head its not something the relationship will ever be the same after in my opinion.
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Permalink Reply by Michael D. Denny on -
I'd drop her like a hot rock. Done, over, off I went.
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Permalink Reply by Max Power on -
Brother, I feel for ya.
One of the problems here is that this KILLED the trust you had for her. It is almost (although not completely) impossible to restore.
If you REALLY love her, and are willing to honestly forgive her, you may be able heal this relationship.
I read in your post that you are leaning towards moving on, and if you don't have so much of an investment in this relationship that you can't you probably should.
The question really is " What would compel her to do such a thing?"
Guys are physiologically inclined to desire multiple sex partners, and we fight that inclination, and our very nature to become a suitable mate and husband.
She may not be a suitable mate and wife if her judgement and self control are so weak that she could not resist this kind of foolishness.
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