"Tic-tac's"
Unfaithful Women - What to do?
Greetings Gentlemen,
I'm typically one giving advice on this site, so it's a bit of a role reversal now for me to ask for your help, as a community.
A month ago, I found out my fiancé had cheated on me - two months prior to our engagement. It was a two night event (weekend) with a guy she'd met that Friday night. I had suspicions, so I asked her directly if anything had happened, and she swore to me, promised up and down, that nothing had happened. With no direct evidence and two years worth of trust, I told her that I believed in her, and we moved on, happily, and I proposed two months later.
As it turns out, she slept with him Friday night (after knowing him for a few hours) and again Saturday night. She’s lied to me about it this whole time (8 months now) and I only found out when mutual friends were breaking up – and the disgruntled guy decided to share this little secret.
She’s since admitted it, we’ve discussed it, gone through the whole range of emotions, and now I’m stuck on a fence about what to do.
As I know infidelity often has a cause, I've looked at myself to see if there was anything I could've done to contribute, and the answer is genuinely "no." I even followed the advice on AoM about Affair Proofing my "marriange" and we had fun, we had date nights, I always continued to "date" her. I left her random love notes, random flowers at work "just because." There was certainly no shortage of affection or attention, but also not too much that would somehow "smother" her.
I love her, but this whole situation has:
1)Taken away the “magic” and “destiny” of our relationship – we had a great story of fate how we came together, but that’s now ruined for me.
2)Made me question whether or not she could do this again, and if I could trust her, especially since I gave her an opportunity to tell the truth, and instead she lied for 8 months.
3)Made me question her integrity – I mean, she slept with this guy after knowing him no time at all.
4)Made me question whether or not she really is the ONE to be my wife.
So there was the cheating, and also the lying. Of course she lied because she was scared I would find out about the cheating. I ALWAYS told her that cheating was the one thing I would never stand for. That she and I would commit to each other and that we would be able to work through anything (we both hate the thought of ever divorcing), but that cheating would be the one thing that would break that bond.
I’m not a guy to be dependent on women or let them run all over me. With any other woman, this would’ve been the end, period. Something about her (hence the reason I proposed) is keeping me here, and making me question myself. To choose between her and my principles.
On top of all this, I’ve received a job offer in another town – one where my sister and her husband live and just had a baby. This would be the perfect time for me to move, move on , and be closer to family. The question is – do I bring her with me? Do I end this now? Or do I turn down the job and stay here, hoping to work things out in time?
I’m just looking for thoughts from anyone who may have been in a similar situation. I know it’d be tough to move on and start new, but is that what I need to do? I always get mixed advice on counseling, and working through issues, but is this an issue that we can really “work through”. Things shouldn’t be this difficult when we’re not even married. This should be a happy time in our lives, instead it’s probably the worst time in my life.
Thoughts?
Tags: counseling, divorce, infidelity, marriage
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Josh on -
First, I'm sorry to hear about what's happened. You probably already know the right decision - inside yourself, but you need to leave her.
Being unfaithful is a deliberate decision (even in those "I was drunk/etc. circumstances - you still know what you're doing...right/wrong).
Some couples may say that they can get "past" that, but I don't believe it.
If she's cheated/lied to you, she's probably done it before or will do it again.
You'll be saving yourself in more ways than one.
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Permalink Reply by AdamR on -
I am so sorry you are going through this man. Unfortunately if she is doing this in the engagement, then you can't trust her. Since you aren't married yet, this is not just a red flag, but a brick wall warning you of a bad and unhappy marriage. I would say starting off fresh would be your best option.
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Permalink Reply by Jonny on
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The problem with splitting with a girl you really love, is you spend a lot of time worrying if they're going to be ok, regardless of what they did to you. If you want my advice, take this opportunity to think selfishly for once. What do you really want for yourself, and to hell with everyone else.
Besides, if you do decide to move on, you're giving her the chance for a fresh start too.
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Permalink Reply by Vytautas on -
No you shouldn't marry her, but you should probably give me her number.
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Permalink Reply by savagejoerude on -
Take it from a guy who a lot of experience in this area. One has has been through 7 sets of furniture..... You did the right thing. Trust is EVERYTHING in a relationship. My Father told me these 2 things and he was right. "A cheater will always be a cheater". And, "if you meet one "on the cheat" she will cheat on you". There would always be that "thought'" in the back of your mind. I once went back after one of mine cheated.... I had kids in the game and hung in for them. Still it was never the same and I bailed as soon as the kids were older and I could tell she was gearing up for a repeat...
Now as for you It's time to look out for yourself and focus on the future. It's never easy when you are in love. The most important thing for you to do is get her the hell out of your house asap. Don't feel a need to give her time. You don't owe her that or anything else. That way you can focus on tomorrow without her being in your space...
And 1 more thing, once she's gone turn the page and begin to re-live your life...I can assure you that you will hit the ground running... Good Luck Brother....
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Permalink Reply by Gunnar Langemark on -
You already know what you have to do.
It's very very sad.
But it's inevitable.
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Permalink Reply by Philosopher King on -
Just an update to anyone who may stumble across this post in the future:
First of all, I want to thank everyone in the community who provided their perspectives. Having the support and general consensus of the group made it a little easier to face the difficult task of breaking everything off.
As a result, I'm happy to say that I'm happy. I'm actually happier now than I was then, and I've truly realized that where I'm at is where I'm meant to be. It's probably one of the first times in my life I really recognized that. Through the difficult decisions I was forced to make, and maintain, I've realized a strength in myself that I never knew was there, and it's very rewarding.
Lastly, if any other men read this and wonder about their own similar situations, I'll leave this post with one final quote that I recently discovered:
"It is not as difficult to find a woman who has never committed an indescretion than it is to find a woman who has committed just one." - Maxims, La Rochefoucauld
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Permalink Reply by D.J. on -
I'm glad to hear it worked out for you in the end, and on the timeline it did too.
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Permalink Reply by Dan Bonello on -
Dump her. Just asking advice on what to do is disturbing. You'll get over it. If you marry her, you'll be divorced within three years anyway.
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Permalink Reply by Christopher F. on -
I realize that I'm coming into this thread after the fact. I'm truly glad you are happy with the direction you chose.
For my part I would agree that you went the right way. As a side note it would have been the lying that was the deal breaker.
When a relationship crosses the line into marriage both people make promises to be loyal to each other. Where I differ from some is that before that ring goes on a finger, and baring that no promises of fidelity were made, then if the man or woman want to see other people it's their right. But, they have to be honest about it to the other person.
You're not married until you're married. Until then, providing both people agree to it, then either one of them can date whoever and how many other people they want. Just my two cents.
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Permalink Reply by Tim G. on -
She cheated on you. She lied about it. She knew that cheating was as good as the only thing you would not tolerate. And she went ahead with it anyway.
That proves several things:
- She does not respect you in any way.
- She can not be trusted; ever again.
- She has absolutely no integrity.
This incident will always linger in your relationship with her. It will always be in the back of your head. No matter how hard you both try to make it work, you will never be able to fully trust her ever again. I've been in the same situation. Your relationship is tainted in the worst way possible.
From what I've read, I think you already know fully well what you should do... You just need some confirmation and support from us.
It's simple: dump her and move on. Do not abolish your principles in favor of a cheating fiancé. You deserve better. If she was truly "the one" for you, she would never have cheated. So kick her out and move on. I know it's the most difficult decision and a hard thing to do, but it is the only good decision.
Good luck.
EDIT: Oops, just read the rest of the comments and OP's reply. Glad to read you took the right decision. It will be hard, but only for a while. Best of luck to you, mate.
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