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Trying to figure things out
Hello fellow gentlemen,
I am a father of 2 and togheter with the mother of my children.
We are currently finishing the family house on her family farm after living with my father in law for 1,5 year.
We have had a relationship for almost 6 years, 4 of them with children.
My main problem is that it seems every time we are talking I seem to be saying things in the wrong way.
I know I tend to be an easily distracted listener, answering the children, or sometimes getting distracted if the TV is on(I always ask to turn it off if there is a conversation)
During the last years our arguments are going more into a rut. Me saying something wrongly, she is going into a mode where she verbally attacks me, this occurs even if the children is present. (I must mention that her mother is terminally ill, and that this is a major concern for her, even if they had no close contact before.)
I have set my foot down, verbally.
I have left the room, suggested counceling, argued, listened.
Several times lately it have come to her physically attacking me in the car cause she do not feel me meeting her in the conversation properly. Me driving I can not defend myself, I actually left for a conference with scratches in my temple.
She have told me I should die, my family should die, I am friendless and have noone.
I have kept on to my NUTS, I have tried improving on what have been pointed out to me, I have tried talking to male friends, but the situation seems only to escalate.
This situation is killing me, I will not add distress to the life of my kids anymore.
But for the life of me I will try to figure out what is the cause, what is the triggers and what is me. I need to have some viewpoints different from my own to reflect upon .
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by JonEdanger on -
If she has physically attacked you on multiple occasions while you are driving I'd suggest two options:
1. The next time it happens drive straight to the police station and have her arrested. Then file for custody of the children and divorce her crazy azz.
or
2. Encourage her to not use her seatbelt then find something substantial to hit.
But seriously, if she won't go to counseling divorce her.
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Permalink Reply by Will on -
Marriage counseling, this week. If she won't go, you go. That's the standard answer, but I think it's a good one.
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Permalink Reply by Rick Shelton on -
Talk to a lawyer, actually talk to every lawyer in your town, because they can't take her case if they have talked to you. Get a good lawyer and file for divorce. In the divorce you only want the children. Property should be 50/50 unless your state is otherwise. The debt should also be 50/50 so plan on that. You may also have to plan on a bit of money to her for about a year or so depending on her income but this can be mitigated by child support if you should end up with the kids.
If you don't leave soon, start saving for the time when you file and save a lot because it will be expensive you will also have to set up a separate domicile which can be expensive especially as each child may have to have a room of their own, which means furniture, etc.
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Permalink Reply by Borneo Pomfretti on -
A couple of things I noted:
1)You have been working on building a new home.
2)You have been living with your father-in-law for the past 1.5 years.
3)Your wife's mother is terminally ill.
4)You have two small children.
Every one of these things is a major stress producing factor, especially for a young woman. And I mean in a large way. She doesn't have her own space, she doesn't have the ability to raise and care for her family without parental oversight. Her mother is terminally ill, which would most likely mean that she feels she has to act differently than she would otherwise towards her mother and father.
You didn't say so, but if there is financial stress also, you simply have a powder keg.
She should never physically attack you, that isn't appropriate, but beyond that you really haven't stated a good reason why your children's lives should forever be tainted by a broken home.
I think you need to start with this. Counseling. You said you suggested it, but you never said what her response was. So try this. "Honey, if I make a counseling appointment for us will you please go with me? I really don't want to lose you, I love you and the children, and I am afraid if we let this go any farther it will simply be too late to fix it."
I think it is important that you use tact and timing though. Do not suggest this during an argument. It won't work. Try to find a pleasant, peaceful, and private moment to raise the issue. Volunteer to set it up. Make it clear that it's something you want. If it comes off like "woman you need counseling and I'm going to drag you in there whether you want to go or not" the whole think will be a write-off.
This is just a suggestion, based on almost no information, and one sided information to the extent there is any. I have never met the people involved. It is little better than a guess really. But I will tell you this. People give up on marriage way to easy, and it has very serious negative results for everyone involved and society in general. Most of the people I know who divorced never really ended up any happier downstream. Everywhere on this site you will see talk of "forging things with fire", and shaping and hammering things to mold them to the desired result. Good marriages are no different. They are frequently the product of trying times and wholehearted effort to make something better and enduring.
If you are a religious man, bending the knee and bowing the head is always a good first step to finding a solution. I wish you success.
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Permalink Reply by JonEdanger on
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She should never physically attack you, that isn't appropriate, but beyond that you really haven't stated a good reason why your children's lives should forever be tainted by a broken home.
Would you say the same to a woman whose husband beat her?
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Permalink Reply by JonEdanger on
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"Most of the people I know who divorced never really ended up any happier downstream."
I can't speak for everyone but I was divorced and I can't even quantify how much happier I am now that that psycho biatch is making a different guy's life a living hell.
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Permalink Reply by Matt on -
As they say, for every beautiful woman, there is also a man who is sick of their S**t.
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Permalink Reply by Adrian Morgan on -
If she doesn't want to see a counsellor, you still should.
If you want her to go with you, maybe suggest it in a way that reflects your needs. eg - I need counselling and I would like you to come along to help me better understand how I can support you.
Divorce will be messy, horrible and expensive - try all other avenues - but also remember violence is unacceptable.
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Permalink Reply by Nick H on -
There is never a good reason for abuse, verbal or physical. Get that in your head first. This has nothing to do with your NUTS or you being distracted or not paying attention. No one has the right to abuse another. You wouldn't do it to your wife and she has no right to do it to you.
Your wife has no right to abuse you. And unless you want it to escalate (and have it happen to your kids as well) you have some tough choices ahead.
First of all, if you were a woman I'd agree with the group about going to the police/lawyer and getting you and your kids away but sadly although the need is just as great when you are a man, society is not in your corner in most countries. Sadly, although feminists may rightfully claim to have not fully integrated in the workforce, they have completely taken over and dominated family law and the rights of fathers is horribly lacking (Hollywood still likes to give us BS movies about defenceless mothers with no rights but I think those days are over in reality). I know of at least three men personally who have been is situations with abusive women and when it came time to get away the courts gave the women everything (the woman needed no proof to get it all, kids included, whereas the man needed to prove he was perfect and even then the three only got some results due to the mothers continuing to be horrible. It was the women's mistakes that earned them back something, not their own merit). Basically, unless the woman kills you, she gets the kids (and in one case I know from the newpapers home, she still got them).
So that said, go to counselling. Alone if necessary. Also, if your counsellor tries to sell some feminist BS excusing your wife's abusive behaviour then in your head, reverse the roles. Ask yourself, if I was the women would the counsellor say the same. If not, go to another counsellor. Some are great, some are a joke.
If the abuse is continuing despite counselling, go to a lawyer. Maybe if you have a male friend who went through divorce then ask his advice on who to talk to. Find one who will take your side and knows what they are doing. Women may rightfully claim that there is a male dominance, glass ceiling and all, in the work place, but family law is not fair in dealing with men. Everyone from the lawyers to the judges already don't like you or at best, believe in you but due to the system are powerless to help.
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Permalink Reply by El Gapitan on
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Thank you for all your replies. This weekend have given me some material of serious thought.
She went away on thursday, so I haven't really seen her for almost a week.
I have had several attempts to fix things, talk trough things on the phone.
As I said, the problems have lasted quite a bit, and really going into an downward spiral the last year and a half. Before that we have had similar arguments, but she have not been physically violent.
When suggesting therapy/counseling I get the answer that I should go to personal therapy, because it is I who is the problem. Further she states that she will not pay any money for counsel she already know since she is a trained therapist and she have one week of training in couples therapy... On one other occation she stated that she would only use the famous couples therapist from media.. which will be impossible to schedule an appointment with.
Today she called home, and told me to check her into her plane tomorrow, without saying other than "check in,check in", I didn't quite get her meaning, and asked her to please tell me what was going on, which resulted in her hanging up. She called up 5 minutes later telling me that she needed me to order her a new cellphone cause the other one was broken. When I asked her why it was broken, she told me she broke it in 2 because of me. Which kinda left me with the obvious answer "OK?"
This was followed by a speech of how much she hated me and asking me if I was afraid.
The terrror with all this is leaving the kids behind, I can't see how I can bring them somewhere without setting myself in a bad situation in case of any court case.
She have already several times stated how much she hates that the oldest one is just like me. This worries me a lot as I can't be here to protect him if I leave.
I do not live in the US, so family law is different, but still might be a bit biased.
I hope this do not come across as whining, I just have to put it in writing to try understand.
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Permalink Reply by JonEdanger on
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You need to divorce this crazy biatch.
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Permalink Reply by Will on
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I can see why she doesn't want counseling.
Leaving would be for you (and damaging to you), not for her or the kids.
I don't know what you should do, but I am beginning to wonder if she is mentally ill. It is not normal to say how much you hate your children. (It's not that normal to say how much you hate your husband and ask if he's afraid.) That first counseling session, even if it's just you, can be a place where you can find out what a professional thinks you should do. I'm not much on individual counseling for personal problems, but a licensed counselor should know about mental illness, and can advise you better than anyone here.
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