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Things to know about giving birth
We've done it twice, and at least two AoM regulars (its founders) are about to, so... what are things you fathers wish you'd known, or were glad you knew, when the day comes?
Here are some of mine:
* There are lots of procedures after birth nurses do for their convenience, but they won't if you say otherwise. Say, "Is it medically necessary?" If not, you can do otherwise. For example, the baby does not need a bath immediately. That vernix stuff will be absorbed into the skin. He has other priorities at the moment.
* ...they say the baby will do better at breast feeding if he gets his first snack in the first hour, spending that whole hour on Mommy. Our first never did quite get breast feeding (there were other issues too), but our second got it in that first hour and never looked back.
* That burst of energy she gets that day comes for a reason. She'll need it. Better not to spend it being super-mom getting the house ready.
* Don't tell her she has to push. Think how it feels if you do that on the john. Now think of pushing out something the size of a baby's head. The body will decide when to push. (Of course, medical necessity overrides this and everything else.)
* The staff are familiar with "birthing preferences," that is, a list of things you want (again, overridden by medical necessity as needed). Draw them up and give it to them, posting it on the door, and they'll tell you if something just isn't going to work. For example, you can say, "Ask Mommy about her comfort level, not whether she's in pain" (people in a fog are suggestible, and you might not want to direct her attention to pain) or "baby stays with Mommy except when something procedure is being done -- no nursery."
* Don't worry about the gross. I have a weak stomach ordinarily. It didn't even occur to me in the moment to get queasy at seeing bloody stuff. It's different when you have to be a rock -- when your only real job in the moment is to be a rock.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Shane on -
Also not to say, "Can you hold it in for another 20 minutes?", "HOLY SHIT!!" nor, "Hey doc, is that supposed to look like that?"
Don't go get her fries, no matter how much she tells you to. Send a runner.
During the actual birth it will be time to practice your zen. Also, your stoicism. She will do goofy shit. Do not let it phase you.
Babies skulls are not fused. Their skin has had no oxygen. Their heads will be wrinkled and grey. That is normal.
Babies have no eyebrows. If you're not aware of that, they will freak you out for a few weeks. You will feel guilty for being frightened of your child.
It's ok to be unsure how you feel about the new guy. You've only just met. It'll take time to get to know him.
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Permalink Reply by M. David on -
You are a man, you cannot give berth. Should be all you need to know ;)
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Permalink Reply by Jim on -
I found that the strangest thing for me was when I looked between my ladies legs and saw a head sticking out... It's gross, weird and uncomfortable but so totally worth it.
If your partner insists on listening to music while the deed is being done, remember to bring more than one CD. The same 12 tracks on repeat for 8 hours or so can get old really really quickly.
Also, remember that when they come out there head will be a funny shape and they will probably be wrinkly, don't be surprised when the child comes out looking more like their granddad than you!
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Permalink Reply by Liam S. on -
Having just gone through this 2 weeks ago. Some great advice in here already.
As husband/partner - your principle job is to keep your wife as relaxed as possible. Learn some basic prenatal massage techniques, and use them throughout the labor. Tension is the enemy. Also dehydration. Keep her drinking fluids, it might be a while (also remind her to pee, a full bladder HURTS during labor, but it gets easily forgotten).
Your other job is to run interference with the nurses/doctors. Your wife isn't going to want to answer many questions during labor, or be forced to make very many decisions (she has quite alot on her plate already). As Will mentioned, discuss ahead of time some of your preferences (trying to avoid interventions? epidural? mobility?) - then you can be empowered to push back (barring medical necessity).
Your most powerful questions before they do anything intervention wise - "is the baby ok? is my wife ok?" - if the answer to those is "yes" - then you usually have time to ask about options or simply to wait.
The baby has its own timetable. Barring medical necessity (is the baby ok, is my wife ok), there should be no reason to rush anything to meet a particular schedule. Push back on the Doc's, and be patient.
If a natural childbirth is a priority (it was for us) - then try to keep her mobile. Laying flat on her back is the least helpful birthing position. Walk around, have her squat, lay on her side, use a birth ball (a slightly deflated exercise ball) - anything to help that baby move down.
Remember, no matter how prepared (or unprepared) you think you are - there will be surprises and changes in plan (for us, hoping for natural childbirth, that meant 30 hours of labor, but then still ultimately needing a c-section). Roll with it, be strong, and trust your doctors.
This is an amazing thing. We are hardwired to do this, and your wife is built for it - no matter what the hospital stay makes it feel like, remember this isn't a thing to be cured of...this is not an illness to treat, just a place to safely do what her body is already built to do.
You will not be prepared for how much you can love something so small. Good luck. Be strong.
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Permalink Reply by Jess on -
also, if I may step in, remember it is your job to run interference for your wife with family and friends. She cant' at this point so decide ahead of time if Aunt Lindy is allowed in the room or if friend Lee can come stay the whole first day...help your wife out. You know who will be obnoxious and who won't, and making these kind of decisions ahead of time will help..you will know when to step in and when to let be.
Bringing a baby home is a new and scary thing for a woman, some want support..some want to have time to find their feet. I was happy to have my mother in law to help me (she lived WITH us so it would have been hard to bar her!) but I couldn't take a steady stream of people coming to 'meet the baby'...I wanted some space. My husband provided it by locking the front gate and being firm on the phone with anyone that wanted to come over. He wasn't shy about telling people that did come visit that it was time to GO both at the hospital AND after we first got home.
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Permalink Reply by Paul_of_TX on -
Great advice. All of a sudden everyone you know thinks they are close enough that they don't need to clear the room when you ask everyone to clear the room.
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Permalink Reply by Rebekah on -
I read and hear from friends that new parents' wishes on help at home from family and friends can change once the baby's born. Some new parents think they'll just want to be alone when so exhausted, etc., and end up overwhelmed. Some fear they'll be overwhelmed, and end up annoyed by even truly helpful family and friends.
Try to prepare family and friends for the possibility of such changes in plans.
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Permalink Reply by Will on -
One thing we did have problem with was that the nurses kept asking my wife questions despite our written preference that they ask *me* unless there was a reason they had to ask her. I still answered all the questions I didn't think she could answer easily ("can I move this pillow?"). They needed to know that when someone's busy it doesn't de-stress her to ask a lot of questions.
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Permalink Reply by Paul_of_TX on
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Personally I would recommend not inducing labor. The human species did pretty well for thousands of years without inducing labor. Now a lot of doctors want to schedule you to come in to induce labor because it fits their schedule better. My first child was just over a week late and the doctor made it sound serious and said we needed to induce labor. We were young and agreed to it. Well the baby was not ready to come out, and my wife was pumped with drugs to force nature onto the doctors time schedule. After 18 hours of labor my unborn daughter was going into cardiac arrest and my wife was not doing well either. After hours of the nurse trying to convince the doctor that something was wrong he performed an emergency C-section.
If you want to have a C-section that is fine because it does not put undue stress on the baby. If your doctor says that you should induce labor then I would kindly tell him to piss off and tell him you will see him when the baby is ready to come out.
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Permalink Reply by Brett McKay on -
This is interesting to hear. Our baby is due Oct. 18. Our doctor wanted us to induce on the 18th. When my wife said she wanted to wait perhaps a week after, the doctor said, no, the 18th because that's when I'm scheduled to work. But she also made it sound like it was dangerous to wait even a few days after the due date. It's kind of crazy that we push birth to be at the doctor's convenience. Initially we agreed, but during the check up yesterday, my wife's system was completely unready to go. But instead of backing off, the doctor said, she'd have to come in the night before the 18th to the hospital to get extra induced and really ramp it up. But my wife put her foot down and said she wasn't going to go for another week. And the doctor said, "You can have just one week past the due date, but that's it."
I have to admit I was totally bummed at the appointment because I really was looking forward to meeting the little guy on Monday and I initially thought maybe Kate should just go ahead with the induction on the 18th. But reading up on it now, it seems like a terrible idea.
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Permalink Reply by Paul_of_TX on
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My wife's body was not ready either. I think she went in twice before the scheduled induction to get some type of drug to help her body get ready and start the process. It simply was not time for this to happen but the doctor wanted it done because it was mid December and I have a feeling the doctor didn't want anything happening near Christmas.
Our doctor originally told us at the very first appointment that it is common for the baby to come two weeks before or after the due date. With first time mothers it tends to be after the due date. As we got to the due date he said he gets worried when it is 10 days after the due date. Finally a week after the due date he said we needed to induce.
I don't have problems with home remedies like walking, spicy food and other things that are supposed to help kick start the labor process. I do have a big problem with the induction drugs that work to force contractions. Sometimes you end up with a baby that is not ready and that baby gets the brunt of the compression of the contractions. When we looked back we could have lost our first child due to inducing labor. Fortunately the only harm done was that my daughter was too exhausted after he was born to nurse and then never picked it up.
I know others who have gone in to have labor induced and everything went great. For me it is just a risk I don't think is worth taking. Gods blessings to you, your wife and your child.
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Permalink Reply by Shane on
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I don't have problems with home remedies like walking, spicy food and SEX that are supposed to help kick start the labor process.
Fixed that for ya.
Also, I can't remember the name of it but, there's a cream that has an off label use to induce labor when it's placed on the cervix. Apparently it's more natural than Pitocin as it kick starts the hormones for labor rather than pumping the body full of synthetic ones. It may just spead up the process once it's started though.
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