Good evening gentlemen,
I, like many of you, came to this site in search of a way to become a better man. I've gained a lot of knowledge browsing the articles and the different forums this site has to offer but tonight I come to you all with a question of my own. From what I've read, you all seem like a level headed group of guys and I'd like to get your thoughts on a situation I'm in and what the noble thing to do in this situation would be.
To give you a little background, I'm a 20 year old sophomore in college, been in a great relationship with an amazing girl for almost 3 years now (we were high school sweethearts.) My girlfriend is currently studying abroad for the semester in Spain and we both share a love for different cultures. Because of that, we have befriended a lot of international students at our university and one of them has become best friends with my girlfriend and even I have formed a close friendship with her. This exchange student is a female in her mid 20's from France and both her and my girl are extremely close. Together we've been friends for about a year and half now. This is where the question comes in..
My exchange student friend calls me up about once a week just to catch up, climb at the rock wall, or just go out and get a bite to eat. It's a completely innocent friendship that my girlfriend knows all about and actually encourages, so I don't want you guys getting the wrong idea or anything. Just a nice girl. The thing is, as of a month ago, she started dating a guy and I get the impression he isn't too found of the idea of me and her spending any time together (understandable for any guy in a new relationship in my opinion.)
What I would like to know from you guys is how should I handle this situation? I'd like to talk to him, let him know I'm not out to steal his woman or anything. He knows I'm in a serious relationship and he knows about our friendship prior to their relationship. But what I'd like to know is what would the noble thing to do be? I'd like to remain friends with her especially considering we were friends before the relationship but it's also not my style to interfere with another guys relationship.
I'd appreciate any advice you guys have for this.
"I'd like to talk to him, let him know I'm not out to steal his woman or anything. "
In phrasing a question to others you seem to have answered it yourself. I'd invite him out for a beer, explain that, and just give them a little space until their relationship is stable enough that he's not bothered.
Best of luck,
Yep, proverbial "Beer summit"
That and the timing sucks with your GF out of the country. French chick is your stand in girlfriend, so while you two aren't physical, she is taking care of some of the emotional aspects. Some of that is going to have to go away with the new guy around.
I wouldn't say she's anywhere close to being a stand in girlfriend. We see each other at the most once a week so it's not anything serious. It's about the same amount of time, if not less than when my girlfriend was here so it's not like we just started hanging out to fill a void
Liam is right , as you are at this time only looking out your window of the " Johari window , you need to find out what he knows . http://www.noogenesis.com/game_theory/johari/johari_window.html
Nobility, so far as I have heard people explain it, means putting principle above expedience, especially above self-interest.
This new young man is nothing to you; you can only act nobly by your exchange-student friend. To speak briefly, nobility would seem to require your acting & speaking so as to not traduce her. Concern yourself with her reputation.
The idea of a young single man and young single woman being just-friends w/o romance on the horizon is a modern one. But even moderns don't, I think, believe the man and woman can be "very close" w/o threat to either's extant romantic relationships. Maintaining a "close" friendship with this woman invites your feelings, and hers, to change to romance. It's not just possible; it's likely.
Better to recognize that, and put in distance. Be friends, just not so close. One way to start woujld be to reduce hanging out with her to times with her bf present. (If even that.)
I would disagree on that front. I have a few very close female friends, and there are no romantic hints going on. I have been supporting them a lot through the sticky patches in their relationships, and at no point that I am aware of has my friendship caused any problems. There have been a few people (all male) who have trouble understanding the concept of a close friendship with females, but explaining it sorts that out without issue. However, I recognize that this might not be possible for other people (I have been explicitly told by people that I am the least threatening person to a relationship they know).
Maybe he is just a paragon of morality, a completely selfless creature-
@Jon Dude! Don't try to offend people on the forum or try to be funny on the expense of others, that's not cool. I myself have quite a few close friends who are female, no romantic interest or anything like that, and I'm not gay.
I think you have a slight problem if you think only gay men have the ability to be just friends with a women/girl.
see that right there is where I'm a little confused about all this. Is it even something that needs to be discussed with him knowing that? The only reason I'm interested in sitting down and talking with him would be to reassure him and to be respectful of his relationship.
And to address what you said Will, I'm a young male who is in a committed relationship. Being that she is older than me, leaving the country eventually, and is best friends with my girlfriend, she has absolutely no attraction to me. And as for me, she's simply not my type. Just an awfully nice person who cares for climbing rocks and occasionally ordering a pizza (thats the extent of us grabbing a bite to eat)
I think you have it backwards; it isn’t your relationship with your friend that is of issue, but her relationship with her man that is of importance. She needs to direct the relationship between the two of you since she is the nexus of the relationships. Just let her know where you stand and let her communicate to her friend where she wants him to stand on the relationship regarding you two, in my view the noble thing would be not to intrude on their relationship unless you honestly would like it to go to another level with her and you are hesitating about it because of the woman you have been having a relationship with. If you are safe in your place with your woman, leave her to guide her relationship with her man.