Good evening gentlemen,

I, like many of you, came to this site in search of a way to become a better man. I've gained a lot of knowledge browsing the articles and the different forums this site has to offer but tonight I come to you all with a question of my own. From what I've read, you all seem like a level headed group of guys and I'd like to get your thoughts on a situation I'm in and what the noble thing to do in this situation would be.

To give you a little background, I'm a 20 year old sophomore in college, been in a great relationship with an amazing girl for almost 3 years now (we were high school sweethearts.) My girlfriend is currently studying abroad for the semester in Spain and we both share a love for different cultures. Because of that, we have befriended a lot of international students at our university and one of them has become best friends with my girlfriend and even I have formed a close friendship with her. This exchange student is a female in her mid 20's from France and both her and my girl are extremely close. Together we've been friends for about a year and half now. This is where the question comes in..

My exchange student friend calls me up about once a week just to catch up, climb at the rock wall, or just go out and get a bite to eat. It's a completely innocent friendship that my girlfriend knows all about and actually encourages, so I don't want you guys getting the wrong idea or anything. Just a nice girl. The thing is, as of a month ago, she started dating a guy and I get the impression he isn't too found of the idea of me and her spending any time together (understandable for any guy in a new relationship in my opinion.)

What I would like to know from you guys is how should I handle this situation? I'd like to talk to him, let him know I'm not out to steal his woman or anything. He knows I'm in a serious relationship and he knows about our friendship prior to their relationship. But what I'd like to know is what would the noble thing to do be? I'd like to remain friends with her especially considering we were friends before the relationship but it's also not my style to interfere with another guys relationship.

I'd appreciate any advice you guys have for this. 

Views: 479

Reply to This

Replies to This Discussion

"I'd like to talk to him, let him know I'm not out to steal his woman or anything. "

In phrasing a question to others you seem to have answered it yourself. I'd invite him out for a beer, explain that, and just give them a little space until their relationship is stable enough that he's not bothered.

Best of luck,

Liam

Yep, proverbial "Beer summit"

 

That and the timing sucks with your GF out of the country.  French chick is your stand in girlfriend, so while you two aren't physical, she is taking care of some of the emotional aspects.  Some of that is going to have to go away with the new guy around.

I wouldn't say she's anywhere close to being a stand in girlfriend. We see each other at the most once a week so it's not anything serious. It's about the same amount of time, if not less than when my girlfriend was here so it's not like we just started hanging out to fill a void

Liam is right , as you are at this time only looking out your window of the " Johari window , you need to find out what he knows . http://www.noogenesis.com/game_theory/johari/johari_window.html

Nobility, so far as I have heard people explain it, means putting principle above expedience, especially above self-interest.

This new young man is nothing to you; you can only act nobly by your exchange-student friend. To speak briefly, nobility would seem to require your acting & speaking so as to not traduce her. Concern yourself with her reputation.

The idea of a young single man and young single woman being just-friends w/o romance on the horizon is a modern one.  But even moderns don't, I think, believe the man and woman can be "very close" w/o threat to either's extant romantic relationships.  Maintaining a "close" friendship with this woman invites your feelings, and hers, to change to romance.  It's not just possible; it's likely.

Better to recognize that, and put in distance.  Be friends, just not so close.  One way to start woujld be to reduce hanging out with her to times with her bf present.  (If even that.)

I would disagree on that front. I have a few very close female friends, and there are no romantic hints going on. I have been supporting them a lot through the sticky patches in their relationships, and at no point that I am aware of has my friendship caused any problems. There have been a few people (all male) who have trouble understanding the concept of a close friendship with females, but explaining it sorts that out without issue. However, I recognize that this might not be possible for other people (I have been explicitly told by people that I am the least threatening person to a relationship they know).

Maybe he is just a paragon of morality, a completely selfless creature-

@Jon Dude! Don't try to offend people on the forum or try to be funny on the expense of others, that's not cool. I myself have quite a few close friends who are female, no romantic interest or anything like that, and I'm not gay.

I think you have a slight problem if you think only gay men have the ability to be just friends with a women/girl.

see that right there is where I'm a little confused about all this. Is it even something that needs to be discussed with him knowing that? The only reason I'm interested in sitting down and talking with him would be to reassure him and to be respectful of his relationship. 

And to address what you said Will, I'm a young male who is in a committed relationship. Being that she is older than me, leaving the country eventually, and is best friends with my girlfriend, she has absolutely no attraction to me. And as for me, she's simply not my type. Just an awfully nice person who cares for climbing rocks and occasionally ordering a pizza (thats the extent of us grabbing a bite to eat)

I think you have it backwards; it isn’t your relationship with your friend that is of issue, but her relationship with her man that is of importance. She needs to direct the relationship between the two of you since she is the nexus of the relationships. Just let her know where you stand and let her communicate to her friend where she wants him to stand on the relationship regarding you two, in my view the noble thing would be not to intrude on their relationship unless you honestly would like it to go to another level with her and you are hesitating about it because of the woman you have been having a relationship with. If you are safe in your place with your woman, leave her to guide her relationship with her man.

RSS

Latest Activity

Penelope replied to Stuart Charles's discussion Moneys... and what to do with em
"The current issue of Forbes magazine has an article about management expenses/loads for retirement accounts.  401(k) matches are certainly not as common as mainstream media would lead people to believe.  Whenever I've been offered a…"
53 minutes ago
Penelope replied to Stuart Charles's discussion Moneys... and what to do with em
"Class thing, and your feelings about risk.  Our emergency/unemployment is 6 months' expenses, a pretty typical rule of thumb from financial advisers.  We'll never need it instantly, but we sure want it there even when stocks have…"
1 hour ago
N. Vest replied to John Lee Pettimore's discussion Is it Manly to have a Sandy Vagina? in the group The Great Debate
1 hour ago
George Henry Robbins III replied to Rush's discussion Praying for Wife Material. Selfish Prayer? in the group Christian Men
"No it is not selfish. All Christians should pray for a spouse, and God is pleased that you would come to Him with such a serious and life changing issue. He is much better at finding you someone than a matchmaker, a personals column or some online…"
1 hour ago
Jonathan Stone added a discussion to the group Fountain Pens
Thumbnail

Getty/Dubay and the fountain pen

Hey all,In an effort to both get my feet wet with fountain pens and to improve my handwriting, I purchased a Lamy Safari (I also have the refillable doohicky and a bottle of Quink) as well as the book "Write Now" by Getty/Dubay.  The book was recommended in this group in an older discussion, that's why I bought it. While my handwriting isn't too bad by most people's standards, I'd like it to be excellent.  I often take notes and when writing as fast as I can, my handwriting quickly becomes hard…See More
1 hour ago
Herb Munson left a comment for Jason Crumpton
"Welcome to The Great Debate, Jason. Great to have you with us."
1 hour ago
Douglas Perry joined Denis E. Ambrose, Jr.'s group
Thumbnail

Massachusetts

For real men from the Commonwealth of Massachusetts.
1 hour ago
Matt195 replied to Rush's discussion Praying for Wife Material. Selfish Prayer? in the group Christian Men
"With you getting your priorities right with God and praying for His highest and best for you in all areas of your life, including a wife, I believe He will begin to put thing sin motion that will bring the two of you together.  There is nothing…"
2 hours ago

© 2014   Created by Brett McKay.   Powered by

Badges  |  Report an Issue  |  Terms of Service