I second this. You need courts to intervene here, because it can't be a healthy environment for your children if their is strife between the parents (I should know, I grew up in a house where my parent's didn't get along) and if she is going to be bringing strange men around, that's not good for your children either. Get a good lawyer, and do what is best for your children.
everything LShieldes said.
One way of regaining your masculinity would be to give her one final ultimatum. Show her that you are deadly serious, that if anything like this ever happens again you will leave and you will not come back. This will put you in control and hopefully show her that if she doesn't get her act together then she will lose you. You said you think she has the capacity to change, an ultimatum will put this to the test. If she does then great. If she doesn't, stick to your guns and do what LShieldes and Victor suggest, get a lawyer, get the kids and go. You love her but in the end, the kids are all that matters. Try and get custody and put all your focus into being a great dad.
I think ultimatum time is dead and gone. Get a lawyer and get whatever report was filed when you had her and another man removed from your house. Get all phone bill records you can. This will be ugly because she is not a decent human being. If she treats you this way while you are her husband she will treat you 20 time worse during the divorce. Absolutely nothing will be off limits or too low for her during the divorce. You need to realize this before you start. I am not one to recommend divorce but sometimes it is necessary and if what you have said here is true then this is one of those times. Get everything in order before she even knows what is going on. I know the circumstances are different but look at how Katie Holmes handled her divorce. She was methodical with the help of a lawyer and planned everything out and chose when and where to attack. The common factor here is the children both yourself and Katie were afraid for your children. People you know may not know the whole story and they will think you are a horrible human being but just let that slide off your back and don't let it get you down. Good luck.
I think ultimatum time is dead and gone. Get a lawyer...
I agree. It's way past that time. Unfortunately, this kind of thing does tend to happen to people who are "too nice".
Victor, you need to put your interests, and that of your children, first. Your wife is a very selfish person. If you stay with her I can pretty much guarantee you a life of utter misery.
You're still a young man. Get out.
I'm one of those guys that believes marriage should be for life, and divorce should be a last resort in extreme cases. Yours is an extreme case. You don't have a marriage -- you have a roommate that doesn't like you very much, doesn't respect you at all, and is making a mockery of you and your 'marriage'.
It isn't the affairs that bother me here. I could forgive an affair. I'd have trouble forgiving more than one, but, if I thought there was a good reason, I'd try to find a way. The problem here isn't that she's cheating on you -- the problem here is that she's mocking you with it. She isn't just cheating. She's slapping you across the face and taunting you with it. And, she's doing it in front of your kids ... setting an extremely bad example.
You're worried about how your children will react when she makes you out to be the bad guy. I'd be more worried about how my children viewed manhood and marriage now that she's making you out to be a joke. Your children will be more well-adjusted with divorced parents than they will seeing a marriage that is this disfunctional and a husband and father that just lives with constant disrespect -- and I don't say that lightly. I actually think staying together 'for the kids' is the better idea most of the time. Not here.
I agree with Sheildes. Get a lawyer ... like you probably should have the first time you came home and her boyfriend had moved in. Try for custody. She's unfit. As for feeling "manly" ... sack-up, and take control of your life. You'll get the feeling back sooner than you think.
Agreed. I would also say that marriage is designed to be life-long but your "wife" is making a mockery of you, your marriage, your family, and has taken it far past any reasonably reconcilable point.
She is not the type of person I would allow to wash my car let alone have any control or influence whatsoever over my children. Those are your kids and your responsibility and your legacy. They are in grave danger man. Get them away from her. She will singlehandedly ruin them in a whole host of ways. You need to show your kids how far you are willing to go to protect them and their future lives. View it that way
Reading your story, I see a number of things. In order...
You're generally a nice guy
You want to be loving and forgiving
You care deeply for your wife
Even after this, you still care for her
She's a tramp and a harlot
She's incapable of committing to you
She's likely incapable of committing to anyone
Her judgement is proven to be bad
Your children obviously love you both
Your children deserve better.
If I were in your place, I would carefully issue an ultimatum...making it official is probably appropriate. She betrayed the marriage, so she needs to leave...not you.
As for the attorneys and stuff, I am delighted to say I have no knowledge in that area. But the other suggestions seem appropriate, and even clever! I especially love the one about calling every attorney in the area...go WAY out, like 100 miles, if you really want to make it challenging for her.
And, I believe that your calling the police on her and her...friend...was good. It established a time line, and documented a pattern of her behavior that will be called into question if/when this goes before a judge.
I hear you man. You are every bit a man for forgiving your wife and believing in her ability the change. I hate to say it, but she doesn't sound like a very healthy person for you or for your kids. I'd echo what many of the others have said and get rid of her.
I'd say make it a short conversation.
I hope you do talk to a lawyer ASAP. I can easily imagine someone this destructive going straight to a lawyer's office the next morning to say, "I caught him cheating on me, and he hits me and the children. Get me custody." Maybe that will seem less plausible if you take action first.