I'm not very good at making posts on any website, but I figured this would be the place to really put this out there. I'm hoping to gain some wisdom and possibly some confidence...


My name is Victor, i'm a 24 year old father of two. I have a five year old daughter and two year old son, and they are my everything. I'm married, but not happily.



Two months after my son was born, my wife came forward and said she was in love with her ex fiance who lived in Minnesota. This devastated me. She began to deny me physically, emotionally and socially. She began to spend hours on the phone and thousands of texts a month speaking to her new found love. Unable to cope with the situation, I lost my job. The stress from being rejected by her, as well as trying to protect my children from the situation, took a toll and had caused my health to diminish rapidly.

Knowing that I was in a poor state, she had moved her new love into our home while I was on a hunting trip with friends...( mind you the hunting trip was to be a stress reliever)

When I returned from the hunting trip, I walked into my home to a 6'7 400 lb monster of a man sitting in my reclining chair, drinking a beer and holding my son.

At this point, I was mentally paralyzed.

My wife told me I had to leave.

Seeing as how I own the home, and the land it sat on...I called the sheriff and had them both removed from my home.

For a while, we never spoke to each other accept for the visitation for the children.


I felt in control of my life, now that I was alone.

Time went on and I was able to get my job back. Working and putting money away for my children, for their future.

My wife and I had not divorced at this point, because she had become stricken with cancer and I decided to take it upon myself to take care of her.

I still loved her, even after everything that had happened.

After the cancer had gone into remission, we began our relationship again.

As if it were a clean slate...

But I had felt a change in myself....I was no longer trusting of the men she worked with.

I would get the phone bill and it would have hours upon hours of phone calls to a certain man named chris.

Chris was a nurse at our local hospital who was treating her during her time of cancer. They had begun to speak during my hours of work only. One day I had come home early and his car had pulled into my driveway as I did. He got out and was stunned to see me. I questioned him as to why he was there and he became physical over the situation. I quickly calmed him down when I drew my concealed carry firearm. Without a seconds hesitation, he backed off and never showed his face again. He never called or texted...This infuriated my wife.

To her, this was some sort of attack on her freedom. I was putting her in a birdcage and the walls were slowly closing in on her.

After some time, a second similar situation came up. A new hire at her job had taken interest in her and they became phone buddies, like the last two.

After revealing to her that I in fact knew this man from high school, and that he was a drug dealer. She quickly did away with him....or so i thought.

I found out that she had in fact been seeing him on her days off, while i worked at the factory.

As luck would have it, he ended up in jail and is now serving time for his drug dealing ways.


a few arguments later, we were back to normal.

This went on for a year. She now manages her own store, and hired in a man named Michael.

As of last week, I discovered that they both have been seen outside of work, while im at work yet again...



Now, I know 99% of you are going to call me an idiot for staying with this woman after all this time.

But I believed she had the ability to change..


I know now, that I was wrong...every time.




Emotionally, I am confused. I am lost. Mentally, I feel as though I am not as manly as I had thought I was.

Love does funny things to a man who had principles.


I'm afraid to leave, because I'm afraid of how my children will react.

I know their mother will make me out to be the bad guy...and honestly, I don't know if I am or not.


Her entire reasoning behind every little fiasco that she has pulled, is that I am too nice of a guy and that it was easy for her.




I'm at a loss, my manliness meter reads zero.

What should I do, where should I go?...

Do i take a second emotional warhead and hope I come up okay?



I'm sorry this is so long, but this is the first time i've really spoken to anyone about it.


My cork has popped. Someone, tell me where to start.

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Get a lawyer, get the kids and get rid of her.

You aren't too nice of a guy, she is a horrible person.

I second this.  You need courts to intervene here, because it can't be a healthy environment for your children if their is strife between the parents (I should know, I grew up in a house where my parent's didn't get along) and if she is going to be bringing strange men around, that's not good for your children either.  Get a good lawyer, and do what is best for your children.

everything LShieldes said.

One way of regaining your masculinity would be to give her one final ultimatum. Show her that you are deadly serious, that if anything like this ever happens again you will leave and you will not come back. This will put you in control and hopefully show her that if she doesn't get her act together then she will lose you. You said you think she has the capacity to change, an ultimatum will put this to the test. If she does then great. If she doesn't, stick to your guns and do what LShieldes and Victor suggest, get a lawyer, get the kids and go. You love her but in the end, the kids are all that matters. Try and get custody and put all your focus into being a great dad.

I think ultimatum time is dead and gone. Get a lawyer and get whatever report was filed when you had her and another man removed from your house. Get all phone bill records you can. This will be ugly because she is not a decent human being. If she treats you this way while you are her husband she will treat you 20 time worse during the divorce. Absolutely nothing will be off limits or too low for her during the divorce. You need to realize this before you start. I am not one to recommend divorce but sometimes it is necessary and if what you have said here is true then this is one of those times. Get everything in order before she even knows what is going on. I know the circumstances are different but look at how Katie Holmes handled her divorce. She was methodical with the help of a lawyer and planned everything out and chose when and where to attack. The common factor here is the children both yourself and Katie were afraid for your children. People you know may not know the whole story and they will think you are a horrible human being but just let that slide off your back and don't let it get you down. Good luck.

I think ultimatum time is dead and gone. Get a lawyer...

 

I agree. It's way past that time. Unfortunately, this kind of thing does tend to happen to people who are "too nice".

 

Victor, you need to put your interests, and that of your children, first. Your wife is a very selfish person. If you stay with her I can pretty much guarantee you a life of utter misery.

You're still a young man. Get out.

I'm one of those guys that believes marriage should be for life, and divorce should be a last resort in extreme cases.  Yours is an extreme case.  You don't have a marriage -- you have a roommate that doesn't like you very much, doesn't respect you at all, and is making a mockery of you and your 'marriage'.

 

It isn't the affairs that bother me here.  I could forgive an affair.  I'd have trouble forgiving more than one, but, if I thought there was a good reason, I'd try to find a way.  The problem here isn't that she's cheating on you -- the problem here is that she's mocking you with it.  She isn't just cheating.  She's slapping you across the face and taunting you with it.  And, she's doing it in front of your kids ... setting an extremely bad example.

 

You're worried about how your children will react when she makes you out to be the bad guy.  I'd be more worried about how my children viewed manhood and marriage now that she's making you out to be a joke.  Your children will be more well-adjusted with divorced parents than they will seeing a marriage that is this disfunctional and a husband and father that just lives with constant disrespect -- and I don't say that lightly.  I actually think staying together 'for the kids' is the better idea most of the time.  Not here.

 

I agree with Sheildes.  Get a lawyer ... like you probably should have the first time you came home and her boyfriend had moved in.  Try for custody.  She's unfit.  As for feeling "manly" ... sack-up, and take control of your life.  You'll get the feeling back sooner than you think.


JB

I agree with Jack, you are the man when you step up to protect your children even if it is from their own mother. And trust me they will grow up in a better household without a mother than one with a mother who has done or is doing what you say your wife is doing and done. Got it?

Agreed. I would also say that marriage is designed to be life-long but your "wife" is making a mockery of you, your marriage, your family, and has taken it far past any reasonably reconcilable point.

She is not the type of person I would allow to wash my car let alone have any control or influence whatsoever over my children. Those are your kids and your responsibility and your legacy. They are in grave danger man. Get them away from her. She will singlehandedly ruin them in a whole host of ways. You need to show your kids how far you are willing to go to protect them and their future lives. View it that way

First don't you leave, have her leave without the children, you keep the children. Second talk to every lawyer in the immediate area because she can't use any lawyer that you've discussed the case with, which limits her options. Third sue for sole custody with you as the custodial or domicilliary custodian, make sure you have sole decision over the school, doctors, medicine, extra-curricular activities, etc for your children. Fourth, document everything with dates and details, record arguments and phone calls if legal in your state. Fifth, and the most important, let your children know you love them no matter what and always will. Protect them from the back-lash, arguments, and activities between you and your 'wife' as much as possible.

If, in the mean time she has a 'friend' over who gets physically confrontational call the police and make sure they log it in and review their report. This sets up a behavioral pattern on her part of potentially putting the children in harms way by who she decides to be with.

Reading your story, I see a number of things.  In order...

 

You're generally a nice guy

You want to be loving and forgiving

You care deeply for your wife

Even after this, you still care for her

 

She's a tramp and a harlot

She's incapable of committing to you

She's likely incapable of committing to anyone

Her judgement is proven to be bad

 

Your children obviously love you both

Your children deserve better.

 

If I were in your place, I would carefully issue an ultimatum...making it official is probably appropriate.  She betrayed the marriage, so she needs to leave...not you.

 

As for the attorneys and stuff, I am delighted to say I have no knowledge in that area.  But the other suggestions seem appropriate, and even clever!  I especially love the one about calling every attorney in the area...go WAY out, like 100 miles, if you really want to make it challenging for her.

 

And, I believe that your calling the police on her and her...friend...was good.  It established a time line, and documented a pattern of her behavior that will be called into question if/when this goes before a judge.

I hear you man.  You are every bit a man for forgiving your wife and believing in her ability the change.  I hate to say it, but she doesn't sound like a very healthy person for you or for your kids.  I'd echo what many of the others have said and get rid of her.

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