Yesterday my ex (half a year gone now) contacted me about some money things. Pure business, and quickly handled. We inquired if we were both okay, and that was it.
When we broke up (for the second time), we decided not to have contact anymore. Facebook got deleted, as well as common friends (mostly mine anyway). The reason for this total break was
a) She has some serious abandonment issues (part of the break up).
b) Last time we stayed in touch we got back together again (still a risk).
Tomorrow I woke up to a FB-message and a friend request from her. She said that she thought we weren't having contact because I'm afraid of hurting her and that I shouldn't worry. I'm more worried about reason b, especially as telling her that might give her hope.
The thing that got me most was that she wrote (with absolute conviction!) that she knew I had a new girlfriend and that she wished me all the luck. I don't have a new girlfriend, and I've never even had a romantic interest in the girl. Even weirder, the girl in question is in a (long) relationship with a good acquaintance of mine.
I have NO idea how she figured that I have a relationship with this girl. As far as I know, there aren't even pictures of the girl and myself in the same shot, and the only time I ever wrote on her facebook wall was when she won Silver on the Student World Championship.
Anyway, I'm completely flabbergasted.
My questions: How do I convey that it's still a bad idea to keep contact without giving her hope? What do you guys think about her completely inventing a relationship for me?
why do you give a shit what she thinks? sever all ties with her.
No contact. Don't respond. Ever. If she goes beyond initial inquiries and it starts to get weird, that is cyber stalking. Then get a lawyer, but don't respond. Ever.
I think you need to just tell her "look we are over and I have moved on. I think it is best if we not have anything at all to do with each other and move on with our lives."
Okay......Well: after not reacting she gave an explanation as to how she new. She had read about a me talking about a blond girl on the internet and made assumptions. You know where she read it?
Here. She invaded AoM because she knew I would be writing about her. I call it invade, because she knows I write about my life here, and she knows I think of it as private. She says she knows that she invaded my privacy and probably caused me to think twice before posting here. The worst thing is she says she's not even sorry.
I'm so damn mad right now. I could have done the same thing to something on the internet she thinks of as private, and I downloaded a program so I can't visit that site on this computer ever again.
So, girl, if you are reading this: Please stay away and read this:
Especially the last bullet point. Read it, live up to it. It would be highly appreciated.
Danger, I know all of this is open for the world to see. Most of the internet is. I honestly couldn't care less if my grandparents, future employer or the prime minister could read this. Point is, she knowingly and willingly tried to find information that I did not want to share with her, and she knows it.
That initial contact was as much about finances as the Greeks initial contact with the Trojans was about wood and horsies.
My points (at least the ones I'll share here)
1) You made the right move by cutting all contact. Both for yourself and her.
2) You may share some stuff here but I doubt she got it all here. You said you have mutual friends. I'm guessing she got a fair bit from them (mostly likely without them realising it) and the rest she guessed at. She knows you remember. Therefore she knows how to lie to you.
3) You cut her off facebook because the relationship is over. Period. She is not your friend. Furthermore, I'd go into my FB settings if I were you and block her account. No more messages then.
4) Ending this sort of relationship is like putting a crying baby in a crib and waiting for him to stop and fall asleep. There is nothing you can do or say to make it end quicker. Whatever you do will give them hope to keep on trying and drag out the event longer making it worse for both of you.
5) This thing about her knowing about the new girl. Its a hunch at best and anyway its just a trap. Something to lure you in. Like the finance issue. I was in a similar situation once and was fed back something I was surprised she knew but what saved me was that she kept on writing and I discovered that her discovery was just a lucky guess (since the rest of her "facts" relating to it were utter bullshit).
6) You are being manipulated. Some people seem to know no other way to get what they want in a relationship. This is probably why on some level your brain told you it was best to break up with her. There is no way to convey your way out of this. Just run and cut all ties.
7) And its been 6 months. Why are not dating anyone? Forget the new girl for now if she's unavailable but why not ask out some other young pretty thing? You are into rowing. Back when I rowed in HS and university, I seem to remember the club having a great supply of gorgeous fit women. Surely one of them is free for a coffee or a movie?
Thanks a lot Nick...
I guess I am being manipulated. I have not reacted to her messages, and she said she'd 'leave me alone', because she was obviously reading this. It was a damn emotional inconvenience, her popping up like this.
as to 2) We don't have any mutual friends anymore (not in real life, not on FB), which we decided to do together. Thankfully it was really clear who 'belonged' to whom. Still have a running request from her mother stating me as her 'son in law' though.... lol
I think your number 4) is bang on the money. Absolutely right.
as for 7) Pretty soon after we broke up I started dating someone from the rowing club which wasn't a success (complete fruitloop). Then this summer I 'dated' a whole lot (if you know what i mean). A couple of weeks ago I figured it was time to really start dating again, and take it slow with girls, actually take an interest in seeing them more than a couple of times. It was finally time to start being 'normal' again, and be open to the possibility of a new relationship. So far so good, but there's just so many of 'm around..... ahh well...
You're young. Take your time.