I have posted on this topic several times, and found helpful advice.

After 8 years, 2 wonderfull kids, a lot of arguing, violence and abuse my relationship is over.

I can't find one nerve of me who is feeling sad, I will find myself again. 

I have been together with a charming, lovely psychologist, successfull, with a big network and many friends.

My relationship have been filled with demands to change, my behaviour, my body, my way of thinking, my way of beeing a father, lover, partner.

I have been told to man up, take responsibility, get my act together, stop being a pussy, act mature, be a better father, be more active, be more caring, do stuff more rapidly, and behave better, then I will be worth loving, maybe.

After thinking a lot, I will try to give an rough outline of my relationship, maybe there is something to learn? 

When you enter into an relationship, there is sparkles, you think it will last forever. After a few months I was slapped in the face, and when I reacted I was told not to be a pussy, that I had to endure a playfull slap in the face.

I tried to forget about it, our first argument I was told how little I meant if I didn't keep to her rules. I told her what I could accept, but that was not everything. The arguments seemed to come from nowhere, and my opinions was pushed so thoroughly away that I still have a hard time figuring out what it is. Is it really my opinion, or is it something I have been so thoroughly questioned about, and ridiculed for that I changed it?

(This is the part where someone starts talking about NUTS)

The arguments grew fiercer, and all my troubles was pinned on how mentally weak I was, not the relationship, communication or other normal things to argue about.

Implying how stupid and young my friends were.

I started letting friendships die.

There where advanced psycology involved, I had to be so and so mentally weak, I was closed and unavailable, and I had to be pounded on until I broke down and cried, then she could feel my true heart, not the stone wall surrounding it.

And of course she would know, she is a professional.

And she talked about it in such a manner that I actually believed it.

The arguing went on and on, or arguing maybe takes two people, maybe more of the verbal abuse.

I thought it would be better if I only did things a little better, loved her more, gave her more flowers.

At one point it went over into physical threats, she started throwing things, hitting me, screaming louder. Not caring if the children were close.

She drank more wine, told me it was needed to cope, because I couldn't help her, I was no mature partner. 

I screwed up a few times, came home a bit to drunk, but not wasted.

I never do anymore, I seldom leave the house anymore.

I did everything I could to keep the peace, begged, reasoned.

WHen she got angry, she attacked me in the car, told what a bad driver I was.

Hit me when doing 60 kmh, 90 kmh, grabbed my glasses, scratching me.

If only I improved, it would all be better, then there was no need for her anger.

If I met her needs. Like her ex did, even if he was married.

Daily communication grew worse and worse, I communicated at work, could barely say a whole sentence at home, talked to much about colleagues.

I was there more for them than her and the children, what a bad father, I will never get custody. And she earns more, is more successfull, what a loser the father of her children is.

My oldest behaves so much like me that she wants to hit him, he is slow and thinks to much, have a to much of an internal world, she wants to hit him.

He is to much like his father, who is a whore.

When making ready for his birthday party, she showed a knife into my face, and asked me if I was afraid.

Once I stopped her physically attacking me, she bruised her wrists, and wore a tshirt to show her sister.

She will tell  everybody what flea and a tick I am.

The threats are never ending, you do not do that the right way either, what a whore, a pussy. But sometimes you see the one you fell in love with, and you wait.

Keep up appearance, smile while dead inside. Stress is at an alltime high, your hair and beard fall of.

Abuse is decieving, it will sneak up on you.

But I am leaving, she will try to hurt as long and as hard as she can, but I am free.

I regret having children with her, but I will have my set times with them and show them that they have a great father.

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Often people are drawn to psychology because they have personal instability problems and are hoping to resolve those issues.  This may be the case with your wife.  For the kids’ sake, try to stay on friendly terms with her but-- get out of the relationship now and don’t look back.  Good luck!

Gosh this should have been attached in some way to my discussion on what makes a marriage toxic..
I wish you the best of luck.

Also avoid the roller coaster ride of feeling guilty or even made to feel that you should go back. All part and package of manipulation. I have been through that as well. Now I am trying once again to make the decision you made as well.

That's quite the cluster.  Glad you've been paroled.  Congratulations, indeed.


What'd you see in her in the first place?  I only ask ... because you need to make sure not to look for the same thing next time around.  People who choose poorly on the first go-round are prone to recidivism.  Figure out why you picked a broad like that ... and don't do it again.

Vaya con Dios.


JB

You made the hard decision. Bravo. Stick to it. Look ahead. We're with you, man.

You were manipulated, brother, by some one who should have used her training to make things better. You have been mindfucked. Get as far away as possible and find people who will help you to heal. Please always be there for your kids, even if she tries to keep them away. It sounds like they will need you.

Wow man.....i don't think i can add anything usefull here, but you've been through it....I wish you the best of luck...

That had to be tough to endure. Congratulations for see it as being over and ending it, instead of continuing the unhappiness for both of you. You have your mind straight and can look forward to moving on and being the best father you can be.

Thank you for all the support.

I have been breaking the news to her, telling her how I want it, saying that I do not know how we can continue.

She keep telling me how I tear the family apart, there is going to be someone else fathering my children, a real man. 

SHe hit me in the car, raged and drove insanely fast against the back of another car, tells me I am a pussy since i flinch if she lifts her hand or turn her head to quickly.

How little, how afraid.

Tells me I have a demented sense of reality, that I have deserted her, and indeed I have, I have fled from the sarcasm, concentrated on my work, stayed away, kept to what I knew I was good at. Where I felt I had any value.

I might seem to write to get support, but far from it, I write to have some sanity and system, something to put my thoughts straight.

Maybe someone can find some support from it.

It is very embarassing, to be a grown man, and to be treated like this.

To be told that she has no regrets hitting me, that I had it coming, she was desparate.

There was no warning, it seemed like good times.

Counseling, there is noone who can add anything new to us, she knows it all, she has the training, the expertise, she is able to reflect on herself on such a level that outside help is not needed.

And why would I want that, I can't express myself properly, a real man therapist would pick me apart, leave me gutted.

Oh am I glad that I have started the process.

You need to record your experiences somewhere, perhaps with a social worker or some official body so that the record is there for the courts if she tries to stop you having contact with the children. She is obviously mentally ill and needs help and although you were right to walk away you are not walking away from your family. There must be an organization in the US who look after battered husbands, men who have suffered from verbal or physical abuse, and your side of the story needs to be heard. We all feel for your pain here. You have started by telling us, now go further, you will find people who believe in your side of the story.

Om a lighter note, if there is one, how come so many psychologists and psychotherapists are nutters or become nutters themselves? It is a known fact that many patients of psychologists and psychiatrists go on to study psychology themselves, at some level.

Just Googled this:  Help for battered husbands

Good advice, Tarquin!  El Gapitan, I'm here for you, if you want to talk privately!  I'm going to be praying for you! 

I hope you realize that this:

Counseling, there is noone who can add anything new to us, she knows it all, she has the training, the expertise, she is able to reflect on herself on such a level that outside help is not needed.

And why would I want that, I can't express myself properly, a real man therapist would pick me apart, leave me gutted.

Is absolute BS. You may have a problem. A, one, single. She has an ocean tanker full of them. People that are mentally healthy cannot understand how the world looks to someone that is not mentally healthy. Mentally unhealthy people cannot take an objective view of themselves or anything else. I don't care where they got their degree in medicine or psychology. She's probably doing more harm than good for her patients. You haven't deserted her, everyone has a right to safety.

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