"Well, I say she will continue to disappoint you because you have (in my opinion) ridiculous expectations. I can gather from your post that your crazy about this girl because in less than a month of going out, something as trivial as getting…"
so gents, unbiased opinions
After a few strings of being messed around by women, I have recently decided I don't fancy being tied to any specific lady at this time. I'm wanting to take my first steps into being a bit of hunter about the town.
I do have some questions though regarding which of these situations sounds like a good place to start.
1. I have some friends who are up for sexual experimenting and don't want a boyfriend in their lives right now.
2. I recently split with a girl who thought she had feelings for me, but has said to me a few times over the last few months that 'as long as we stayed friends I'd consider.' Now this is pre breakup stuff but we're cool, still having a laugh and able to spend time together (heck, we've been living in the same student halls for two years now without a single problem and we're still planning on living together next year, so things must be stable) so Im tempted to offer something casual as a one off between friends, since she's one of those girls who doesn't mind a bit of experimenting.
3. There's a girl I know whose shown interest in me for years, and while I cant say Im that attracted to her, and she has considered me a plan B for every unlicked cub and abusive partner she goes running too. Not sure if that's a good idea.
Which option seems the best place to start? And yes, I do appreciate the different ideas people have about chastity and things, but I've never let my hair down before to just go out and live while I'm young, and with only 2 years left of uni before it's off into the working world, I think it's best to at least get something done.
Thought's from the men?
Tags: advice, attached, fun, just, no, some, strings, while, young
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Joseph on -
Joseph
"...but has said to me a few times over the last few months that 'as long as we stayed friends I'd consider."
Don't know what that means exactly....she'd consider what?
If you want to just have fun and be casual, then go forth. Doesn't seem like your current buddy is holding you back. As for the girl in paragraph 3, does not sound like a good place to be. First, you're not attracted to her so why would you even consider anything? Second, if she has shown a pattern of hooking up with dicks or abusive guys, then you're not dealing with someone who's very mature or healthy. At the very least, there will be drama.
Pursue some of the other friends that have some interest in fooling around. Don't need to tell you to be safe out there...chlamydia and herpes are alive and well- and I hear gonorrhea is making a huge comeback.
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Permalink Reply by StaggerLee on -
I'm wanting to take my first steps into being a bit of hunter about the town.
That can be restated as, "I'm wanting to take my first steps into being a bit of an asshole about the town."
1. More trouble than it's worth with high potential for excruciating levels of drama.
2. If you want to ruin a good thing, go right ahead.
3. My preliminary comment plus 1 and 2 above all apply.
Letting your hair down does not mean the same thing as letting your zipper down. You say you want t o go out and live while confining yourself to the bedroom. There are so many "wild side" opportunities but for some reason you are not seeing them. For example, who else do you know who volunteers one night a week at a homeless shelter or soup kitchen? Now that is way OUT THERE! Not your cup of tea? Take up adventure hobbies like scuba, karate, climbing, or skydiving. It won't cost you much more than prowling the clubs looking to score. And why go straight into the work force, unless you've got responsibilities to family? Why not see a bit of the world on the cheap? As far as I know it still can be done. Hell, there is probably undiscovered adventure waiting in your own back yard, if you look for it.
You seem to have fallen hook, line, and sinker for the pop-culture BS that life is basically over after 25. You also come off as intimidated by entering the adult life and apparently view the "working world" as a death sentence and women as toys.
If you were my son I'd point you to 1 Corinthians 13:11, "When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me."
BTW: There is no such thing as an unbiased opinion. Opinions are by their very nature completely biased.
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Permalink Reply by Joseph Casson on -
already doing martial arts and I have my hobbies. I don't see how skydiving is inexpensive and I also don't have the capacity to go to work due to my full time degree. I'm without a decent amount of money.
Also I fail to see how having a bit of fun with people and doing something natural makes me an asshole. I suppose anyone who has consentual sex is an asshole?
Then again, if you're beliefs are the main cause for your reaction I can understand that to a point.
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Permalink Reply by StaggerLee on
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It makes you an asshole because what you're doing is objectifying a person as nothing more than a sex toy. There is no way, no fancy language or justifications, to alter that fact. Your willingness to accept that level of dehumanization just to get your rocks off speaks in evidence of being an asshole.
Indiscriminate sex is not natural. It sparks reactions of intimacy in the human psyche that, if the relationship does not support, must be belittled, denied, or suppressed. Men are better at doing this than women who experience these attachments through sex more poignantly than men. Lots of talking heads say otherwise but the actual research refutes them. The fact that you don't care, or don't know and aren't really interested in finding out as long as you get off again suggests an asshole.
My beliefs do weigh in but I have intentionally not included them, though freely admit I can not fully divest myself from them, because 1) I'm no evangelist and 2) that path leads to either preaching to the choir or falling on deaf ears both of which are wastes of time. The points I make are simply reaction to holding my fellow human beings in extremely high regard. Far too much so to reduce them to simple objects of self pleasure. Even if they say they are willing participants it is still an exploitation on your part and a perversion of what is a natural sexual relationship between men and women.
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Permalink Reply by David F. on -
I disagree on the asshole statement.
Just be clear with your partners and make sure they are actually hearing what you say not what they want you to say. Be honest, watch out for your partners safety, have a plan to deal with pregnancy and play safe. You need to have a real discussion about birth control and what if not in the moment but over lunch or some sort with your partner(s). And your partners need to know about each other.
In other words be a mature adult about it.
Many including those of faith think that sex before marriage is bad.
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Permalink Reply by Douglas Aldrich on -
Well said, I think that if you're going to do it, you definitely have to be mature about it. That being said, I think StaggerLee is correct IMO, I mean, if you're going to be having sex with them, they're going to be wanting more than just a one night stand (unless they just live that lifestyle, and I mean that with all seriousness). If anything, I would say take some time to live on your own. If a woman comes into it, see where it takes you, but maybe tell yourself that you're not going to go head over heels into it.
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Permalink Reply by Jackalope Glen on -
I can't agree more with what Stagger said.
The 60's have ruined a couple of generations with the 'free love' mentality. The result of it has been millions of deaths due to AIDS. Millions of unwanted children being aborted all for the sake of 30 secs of fun. Millions more being raised without a proper father and mother.
Who is to say what the next AIDS will be? We didn't suspect it when I was going up in the late 70's. History has proven that societies that trivialize sex and turn it into a hobby or activity, ultimately fall from within.
I'd say do something really manly. Learn to hunt, or fish. Conquer a fear. Take a backpacking trip. Learn a new skill like woodworking or playing a musical instrument. As someone who is now 50, I have been where you are. Nobody says you have to get into the working world right after college and even if you do, your life is not over. I had the most adventures in my life from age 25-40. Took up mountain bike racing, competitive shooting, leather working, woodworking, sport rappelling, boating, deep sea fishing, etc.
Do something really wild and different and don't go sleeping around just because you can.
Being 'wild' does not have to mean acting like a wild dog and humping anything that will allow you to do so.
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Permalink Reply by Chuck Neal on -
Starting my own personal rant, so if you just want someone to validate one of the 3 options you laid out I'd stop reading right here.
Stagger and Jackalope both are right about you needing to find a different pass time. There is no such thing as "no strings attached". If you rely on movies, tv, and trash mags for your view of how things should be you are going to fall short of happiness as no one really lives like that and comes out the other side happy about it.
A physical relationship is always going to leave a mark on you. You will end up more involved, someone will get their feelings hurt, and at the very least, you are going to have something to look back on and wish you had done differently one day.
You are basically trying to take the lazy way out and get your short term jollies without the investment that goes with true intimacy. One (or more likely both of you) will end up regretting this one day either from drama, messed up relationships between you, or having to explain to the person you do decide to settle down with how you gave it away to anyone that would lay down for you.
So to your questions, here is my personal take...
1. I call these drama girls. The reason most don't want a boyfriend is they probably have made poor choices in the past. They give it away for free because they don't respect themselves enough not to. Helping a woman like this cheapen herself just puts you in the position of taking advantage to an already damaged psyche.
2. If you think there won't be emotions involved here you are fooling yourselves. It is either going to get overly complicated with things rekindling (for one of you), or you both will hold each other back from growing and finding someone that you do connect with. Be a man and either decide if you have feelings for this person and take on what goes with that, or walk away for the betterment of both of you.
3. Sounds like you are just seeing her as easy if you don't want to put effort into it. Use her emotions to get what you want. This one is probably the most despicable of the 3 as it toys with her emotions so you can have your fun.
Basically, and animal can have sex, but to me being a man involves the care and protection you have for your partner, and your questions reek of a very selfish outlook and just getting what YOU want with little regard for the women. Probably not what you want to hear, but I can't see a good outcome for you or the women involved with any of your 3 "ideas."
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Permalink Reply by William W. How on -
Umm, the Department of Education requires most American college graduates get into the working world right after college. And they've got SWAT gear to make sure it happens.
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Permalink Reply by David F. on
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I did the friend with benefits game in college. What I realized is most women don’t really realize how attached they get to the guys they are having sex with. One of my friends thought that I and her other boy’s where deeply and passionately in love with her. When I realized this I clarified the situation much to the detriment of our friendship but the betterment of her I think.
If you play around, be honest, discuss what you will both do if she gets pregnant, and use a condom.
I’m not sure if you can do the friendly sexual experimentation without teaching yourself to disconnect with your mate during sex. It was something I had to relearn with my wife.
I will not tell you not to do it from my experience. Yet know you are playing with drugs generated by mating rituals designed to build a long term bond, for the fun of it. Be careful you do not mess up yourself or your lady friends in the process. It is actually the same problem with Porn. It accesses the feel good drugs while training one to not bond with the partner.
Skip being plan 3. You are a friend she can fall back on that is it.
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