"I think they're both names, with positive and negative feel, for the same thing. There's a whole series of things like this, going from negative to positive IIRC, that show just how empty connotation is:
He is mulish, you are…"
Should I end the relationship. Please give sound advice.
Hi AoM,
I've only visited this forum a few times, but I could really use some advice, and I think this is the best place to ask. My judgement is completely clouded by emotions, and you can afford to give me advice I don't want to hear, because it's only a screen I'll get mad at.
I've been with my girlfriend for over a year to date; this is the first serious relationship for both of us, especially for me. I'm 21, she's 23. It's been almost too perfect to be true, felt like heaven.
A few months ago, I told her that I love her, which I meant with all my heart, and she honestly answered that she doesn't feel the same way. I expected that, and told her that I'd simply wait for her to love me back, for as long as it takes. So it wasn't a blow then. I got a bit depressed after though, but we talked it over, and she assured me that she cares very much about me, so we put it aside.
I've felt like we were growing a bit distant lately, so I talked to her about it a few days ago. She feels like that too. So we talked for some time, explaining what we want out of the relationship, what our expectations are, etc. And so while I said that, I want her to share herself with me, I want to be someone she can rely completely on, and that I want for us to love each other, all she could say was that "she does not want not to be with me". She admits that she's bad at talking about intimate stuff (I think she has that from her parents, who themselves are distant). She's not even sure if she likes me that much.
I feel like she's the love of my life, but to her I'm just a warm body in bed and someone to spend time with, it seems. This hurts.
I want to be with her, but this will just get worse as time goes on. What complicates things is that we plan to travel together for 3-5 months together, so it's not like we can say bye and be on our way, it feels like there some time pressure.
Can you tell me anything I can't see or anything that might be useful?
Has anyone been in this situation before? It usually ends in breakup, doesn't it?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Chris C. on
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Have you factored in there anywhere how you're going to feel when you're still "together" in your eyes, but she's with someone else?
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Permalink Reply by JonEdanger on -
Maybe when he walks in on her with the Finnish hockey team...
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Permalink Reply by Rick Shelton on -
You made your choice, I don't agree with it but it's your life, go for it. Wish you luck.
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Permalink Reply by Suburban Sentinel on -
I respect your choice even though I would go the other way. You sought counsel and made an informed decision, nothing wrong with that.
If it turns out badly I for one will not take the "told you so" attitude. If things go South with the girlfriend don't beat yourself up about it. A man chooses with no regret and accepts the consequences.
-Best of luck to you.
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Permalink Reply by Michael D. Denny on -
If you feel the need to ask if you should go, the answer is almost universally "yes".
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Permalink Reply by David H on -
Been there...a couple of times at least. I think it was something that I had to go through, but knowing what I know now, which is that things will be ok and better opportunities will come along, I wish I had gotten out of these situations earlier than I did.
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Permalink Reply by 201smellsfunny on
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I see that you've at least said you've already made your decision... but I figured I might as well weigh in here along the same lines as numerous other men.
I have been in your position. I have had multiple friends in your position. If you're a year into the relationship and the woman doesn't like you, she's never going to like you and she will never marry you. She's just afraid to end it at the moment, but it will come...
She knows that, ultimately, she doesn't want to be with you. But, right now, she thinks being with you is better than being alone. So she'll stay with you until something "better" comes along or she gets the guts to dump you and go search for it. Meanwhile, you'll be on an emotional roller coaster as she builds your hopes up only to dash them again.
In my opinion, she's just using you for security right now (or, for a warm body and somebody to spend time with, in your words), and she'll break your heart and move on as soon as she thinks you're of no use to her any longer.
Get out now. Find something better for yourself!
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Permalink Reply by Alpha176 on
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Best thing to do in this situation is to concentrate on yourself. Go out and improve yourself, have new experiences, and do things alone. Not only will you know yourself better, but you will gain something that you seem to be lacking: Emotional independence.
Emotional independence is one of the most important things a man can have. With it he's able to make his own life and validation, build up confidence, and even figure out who he really is.
Even though you have already made up your mind I would suggest that you at least consider getting acquainted with yourself without this person in your life. Figure out who you really are, go out into the world and get some new experiences. Over time you will change into a better, more interesting person.
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Permalink Reply by Jared on -
I really feel for you on this. As of two days ago my girlfriend broke up with me and we had a situation very similar to what you describe. Lasted about a year, I was the first to say I love you, eventually returned a month later.
However over that year I felt like I was on a roller coaster, hot and cold with no clear understanding of why. She "wanted" to love me, to the point she said it, waited for the emotions to happen. A girl will hang on to you while she is figuring things out.
She figured things out, she didnt love me, says she never really did. It hurts like hell, but when I look back I saw it coming.
Im telling you man, the odds are not in your favor, girls want a fairy tale, love at first sight, not love after a year of you being nice to her and waiting on her.
When times get tough you need someone who loves you deeply, a year is not a slow to start kinda girl. Its a girl who is as stated earlier, waiting for feelings or building the courage to break up.
GET OUT NOW.... this is not how its supposed to be. Im sorry
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