Hey, so I've got sort of a confusing situation with a girl. I've been going to a Swing dancing group for a year now, and there's a girl I'd often seen there but never talked to. But a few weeks ago I danced with her, and she instantly got along with me. Like, it was weird. I didn't even do anything, but she acted like we're already best friends.
That night she added me on Facebook. A week or so went by, and we talked a bit at Swing, but then one day she randomly messaged me, because she realized we live close to each other. And she said we should "hang out" sometime. And so took the hint and set a time and place. But we never called it a date.
But even before we had the "date," she asked if I could give her a ride to Swing. (Weird, considering I'd basically just met her.) So I did. Then the next day we had our date and it went pretty well. She always seemed excited to see me at Swing, but at the same time, it felt different than when other girls liked me. Like, I would flirt, and it didn't really feel like she was responding much. I felt like it's all me.
And then she started inviting me to small get together with some non-swing friends. And I went to a Christmas Eve party at her friend's house. Then she added me on Snapchat, and snapchatted me like, all day. And then I went to a dance and her and I talked a lot, and I ended up driving her home. (Actually on multiple occasions.) And one of my friends even asked me that night if we were a thing, and I said I really don't know. Because nothing of that kind had ever been talked about. We'd never called anything a date, and there was never any major flirting on her end. Nothing that seemed like a definite sign that I should be more assertive.
Then one day I decided to plan another "date" but chickened out and didn't actually call it a date. We decided to go ice skating. But then at the last minute, she randomely changed it to a big event that she invited all her friends to. And yesterday we went there, and I drove her. We even had coffee before we left.
But for the duration of the trip, she just seemed really indifferent toward me. She was sort of upset because things weren't working out as she planned. But when I tried to comfort her, she barely seemed to notice.
That was yesterday. After almost 5 days in a row of seeing her, we don't have anything planned, and she hasn't snapchatted me once. And I'm beginning to wonder... did she ever actually like me? Is she just really friendly maybe? Because it almost seemed too perfect. How much we talked. Like, if she actually like me she wouldn't be so forward.
Any idea what's going on here? I'm on the verge of giving up on the whole thing. Or else, finding a chance to ask her on a real date, or telling her how I feel. What would be the manly response to this situation?
there basically two reasons to date:
A) get married
B) get laid
How about beeing in a comitted relationship, without having married, and having a loving partner at your side?
Dude ... What you have wrote here is essentially why I, as a german, really have a problem with the US concept of "dating". American dating doesn't even seem like the people are in a relationship for a long time in most cases I've read how people wrote about it, or talked about it on YT. ... It seems such an "official", formal, and transactional concept. Almost as if the two persons just look, if the other one is a good enough item to buy, and not like trying to build a bond of love to a person as a whole, with all her/ his faults and corners ...
Then why did you ask what I was trying to say? I don't know if I unknowingly did something to you to cause you to behave this way to me, or if you are like this to everyone. Nevertheless, I'm going to just ignore you until you decide to grow up.
If you are interested in dating her, ask her out. If you are not interested in dating her, let things ride.
That's really all there is to it. As to some of the responses you're getting that seem off to you, it's mostly because long-time denizens of this site have seen it all before. We've learned from our own experiences and from observation, and having been typing "ask her out" to threads like this for years. And sometimes folks get creative or sarcastic about it. Hence, JED's comment.
Gotcha. Thanks for the explanation. But I've always wondered, what exactly does "ask her out" mean? Come up with a date idea and make it clear that it's a date? And then, if things go well, how would I ask her to be my girlfriend? Just saying "will you be my girlfriend" sounds really lame and not manly at all. And how would I know when to say it? :P
No one ever teaches this sort of thing. People are just supposed to know it automatically apparently.
I'm pretty sure there's a primer or two about this on the main site if you search for it.
"Come up with a date idea and make it clear that it's a date?" Yes.
"And then, if things go well, how would I ask her to be my girlfriend? Just saying "will you be my girlfriend" sounds really lame and not manly at all. And how would I know when to say it? :P"
It doesn't really matter. If things are going well after a date or three, it won't really matter how your phrase it. Just muddle through--most of us did. I don't recall all the details, but I'm certain I wasn't always a suave, debonair charmer when my wife and I started dating. It didn't matter. I liked her, she liked me, we managed to communicate the essential points. The enemies are hesitation, indecision and vacillation, not an awkward turn of phrase. That's the lesson most of us have learned through experience.
But I've always wondered, what exactly does "ask her out" mean? Come up with a date idea and make it clear that it's a date?
Will you have dinner with me Friday evening?
Just saying "will you be my girlfriend" sounds really lame and not manly at all. And how would I know when to say it? :P
"I'd like us to be exclusive".
When: late in the third date.
Somehow, someway, you failed to make it a "date" with her, and instead managed to let it become "hanging out" with her.
You have to nut up and take control of the atmosphere of your time together.
My suggestion is asking her out to some thing, dinner, whatever. You pick her up in your car. You lead her to your car, you open the door, take her hand as she gets into the car (just like taking a ladys' hand when she gets out of the car. Just in reverse), you close the car door once she is in all the way.
When you get to wear you are going and stop the car, tell her to stay in the car a sec, get out and walk around to her side. Open her door, take her hand, lead her out of the car and close the door yourself. Place your hand ever so gently on the small of her back just above her butt, barely touching her and lead her to the door of the restaurant, where you reach past her and open the door for her without ever taking your other hand off of her back. Once she make it through the door you can release your hand from her back. You then step in front of her and lead her to the place where you wait for the host/ess to show you to your seat. Same process as you make your way your table. Don't sit down until she is complete in her seat. Take your seat and immediately tell the waiter/tress to ring you two of whatever it is ya'll drink. Ask her what she would like to order, then order it for her when the time comes to place the order. Engage her directly in conversation with lots of direct eye contact. Pay for dinner and never let her see the bill. Same process of physical contact when you leave. Take her home, don't spend every possible second that you can with her. Once the date is over, let it be over. Take her home. Same deal walking her to the door. Kiss her at the door and leave. Don't hang there. Walk her to the door, thank her for a great time, kiss her gently and leave.
You have to take the lead, take control, make it a DATE and not just "hanging out".
...Or, you can just tell her that you like being with her and that you'd like to be dating her if you aren't already (officially) doing that.
"...open the door, take her hand as she gets into the car (just like taking a ladys' hand when she gets out of the car. Just in reverse), you close the car door once she is in all the way."
A million years ago when I talked boy-girl stuff with my father he told me to open the car door for the girl to let her in and shut the door; but if she doesn't reach over and unlock the driver-side door for you, to dump her as she is probably a selfish prima donna (Dad's Italian coming out).
I heard the same thing in a movie some years ago, the name of which I cannot recall. I remember my surprise at hearing it - in this case an older brother to a younger brother, if I remember correctly - and thought how the same thing must have been taught by lots of dads/older brothers back in the day. Still valid today, if you ask me.
Dang... now THAT sounds like a date. But I'm worried it's too much. It could be intimidating for her and me to be so formal. I certainly agree it's good to get out of the car and walk her to the car. But the whole opening the car door thing seems like overkill. Same with the holding her at the small of her back and kissing her. (Are we talking about a casual kiss on the cheek, or what?) But I do agree paying the bill and not letting her see it is essential. I guess this sort of thing is so uncommon nowadays it seems outdated. Not saying it's bad, but it's different.
But the whole opening the car door thing seems like overkill. Same with the holding her at the small of her back and kissing her.
Welcome to the "big leagues" your not a teenager any more its time to date like an adult. And opening doors is in no way "overkill". As for the kiss, the whole point is say I am not your friend, I am a man who is interested in you as a woman. A JonE would say "Sack UP!"