I am looking for so other men’s perspective on how they had the sex/masturbation talk with their sons. I’m not sure how I ended up with this task for our kids but I had to talk to my daughter also. The problem is while it was difficult because she was a girl she was mature and displayed signs of needing to have the “talk”. My son how ever would not have any questions if it wasn’t for the Family Guy program. Needless to say he is shy and really just oblivious to the opposite sex. Which don’t get me wrong I’m not complaining because he is only in the 6th grade, but in this hyper sexual world if I don’t and soon his friends will .I really don’t have anything to draw from my talk consisted of being given a book called what about my body a book for boys and my fathers girl friend at the time showing me and her daughter how to put a condom on a banana. Any past experiences or improvements on your own experiences would be appreciated. Thanks guys.
6th grade, it is time!!! Instruction he does not get from you, he will find from porno, which he has probably already viewed. Jump into the chaos of it all before he really gets on the wrong track. I would not discuss sex with your daughter without your wife in the room. (perhaps for your son as well)
Well we live in a rural area and we are lucky enough that this has not been a problem as of yet. I know you don't know my son but he is rather shy and not at all "going there" yet. But as with my daughter I would rather be pro active rather than re active. But thank you for your perspective and time spent in replying.
I've been facing this dilema myself. My son is starting the 6th grade. We have had talks about the morals and mechanics before. He is transitioning from Catholic school to public school. I know he knows quite a bit already, though he shows no interest in girls. They are apparently not as cool as video games and books. I've been somewhat concerned about how to broach the big "M" and other more candid and slang things.
By the way, the Simpons led to an interesting discssion of erotic bakeries one day.
yea the big M is the one I'm having trouble with. How do you explain that he will become "slap happy " on day when star wars and play station are the coolest things in his world. Oh the gray hair I will get from this.
This topic is timely for me since I had “the talk” with my 10 year old son about 3 weeks ago. For a couple of weeks he had asked his mom where babies came from so I asked him if he really wanted to know and he said yes. My wife had had “the talk” with our daughter by reading a book with her on the subject and she suggested I use the book too. I read the book by myself first and felt it was good in how it introduced the subject and what topics it did (and didn’t cover) for his age group; but while reading the book I felt it was presented in too feminine of an approach (it was written by a woman). I made some mental notes about the topics and then put the ideas in my own words to give it more of a masculine feel.
As for me feeling nervous about the subject – no way. I was thrilled to be able to tell my boy about one of the best feeling, most fun things you can do on earth. I can’t quite understand why some men are afraid to talk about this. I love sex with my wife and I want him to enjoy it with his wife in the years ahead. I also wanted to be the one to talk to him about sex because of how I learned about it. My mom was the one, not my dad. I still cringe about the conversation – laying down on the bed with a similar book talking about the birds and the bees. It was absolutely awful.
Bravo to you for manning up; but why are you the one telling your daughter about this? Is mom not around? Or a grandmother, aunt, or some other lady you and she trusts? I believe moms should tell daughters; dads should tell sons; or if mom/dad are not around, for whatever reason, a family member of the same sex should do the job.
I would encourage you to look for some books both in the secular realm and the faith-based books to give you some guidance on what topics are appropriate for each age, make some notes about what you like and don’t like and tailor the talk to what suits you best. I also believe that you shouldn’t have just one talk about sex, but several, based on the age and emotional and intellectual development of the child. I’ll be having more talks with my son as he gets older. This first one was just to introduce the subject, give it to him in clinical terms (he really likes to know how things work), talk about the changes that will soon be happening to him physically, tell him about words and phrases he will soon be hearing from other guys, slang terms for body parts, how he will need to treat girls/women, etc. Later we will go into more detail about the actual sex act itself.
When my daughter gets older and is ready to start dating (she’s 12 now) I plan to sit down with her and my wife and tell her what guys really think of girls and what most guys (i.e. 99%) plan for on a date. I want her to be prepared for guys like I unfortunately used to be.
The best part of the whole thing was later that night. As my wife and I put him to bed we asked him what he thought of our little chat. His response – “I wish I hadn’t asked about it now.” Which is what he said after we told him the truth about Santa Claus. Priceless, absolutely priceless.
My older brother told me "all about it", when I was about 7 years old. He went on to tell me all about Santa Clause too. That was a rough day for me, to say the least... LOL. We didn't have the internet in those days, but my dad had a stash of Playboy magazines, which provided much of my on-going research material in the early years. And of course, there was the real-world indoctrination I received, at the hands of what came to be, my favorite girl cousin. I think we called it: "playing doctor".. Anyway... the last person in the world I would have expected to receive instruction from, was MY DAD!
But that was then... and this is now...
With my three sons, I made sure to talk to them individually, right before the onset of puberty... I think it was around their 11th birthday, respectively. What a gift, huh? Of course, they each informed me that they already knew all about it. I was also informed that they have "sex education" in school. Nonetheless, since none of them were exactly "A" students, I went ahead and had my talk anyway. Who knows WHAT they're teaching them in school these days! The mechanics of it all was actually easier than I expected it to be. I showed them a condom... yep, took it out of the package, and unrolled the damn thing, as best I could without having anything handy to actually put it on! Naturally, I endured a few giggles and the "eye-rolls". Oh... the "eye-rolls"... but I digress. I ended up spending most of the time on the subject of respect. Respect for girls, and respect for themselves as well. We talked about responsibility. We talked about objectifying. Basically, we talked about "how to treat a lady". In my case, "the talk" ended up being a good thing... so go for it, Asa! it's one of the best times in the life of being a dad.
I think it's important to be open about it, and honest. A lot of people are probably going to find this controversial, but I got some of my best info on sex, and how to please myself and a woman both, from erotic magazines. I usually stuck with Playboy and Penthouse. Hustler is a fallback for a lot of guys, but I found it entirely too raunchy.
Nice thing about Playboy, is you can tell they actually like women. Penthouse is somewhat more objectifying in nature, but still a good mag, and it tends to have more "learning" articles in it.
Brett, while I'm thinking about it...if you get a moment, look up a Playboy columnist named Asa C. Barber. Really intelligent dude, wrote about guy things in an intellectual manner, and one comes to mind in particular. Something to do with having to crash land his plane in BFE, and meeting the indigenous people of the area. After talking about America's culture with them, they start comparing notes, and Asa finds that these people actually spend time with their young men and women on a daily/weekly basis, teaching them what they'll need to know to be contributing members of that society, etc...
Relatively sarcastic rant by him, but well written and said. That was one that really stuck with me through the years.
"Sounds like time for a shift. Here are some ideas:
* Read up on depression, or consult a professional. Does it describe you well? I know there are commonalities in grief and depression, but grief is situation-driven and fades (IDK…"
"Others seem to understand, but I don't yet. What solid plan do you mean? Retirement? Whether to live here or in Pago Pago? How many kids? What kind of car to buy?
What have you compromised on, or want to compromise…"
"Start with vision. Come up with a shared vision for where you want to end up. What do y'all want to do? How do y'all want to live? What does success mean to you? What does your dream life look like?
Set intermediate goals on the way to…"