I had been dumped... hard. She didn't just drop me, she slam-dunked me. I was a mess. I wanted her back and told her so many times. In spite of promising myself not to think of her I'd find myself calling, or sending an email to her under the pretense of asking if she had something of mine, or that I got a message on my phone from a blocked number and wondered if it was her.
I'm sure many of you can relate to this.
I don't believe in pointless suffering. Things happen for a reason and while the answer to the question sometimes doesn't come for months, or even years, the answers do come.
So, while in the midst of feeling sad and miserable I contemplated my behavior and actions during the relationship. There's a saying that successful relationships are based on successful negotiations. As my thinking shifted from self doubt, misery, and the typical, 'How will I get by without her' kind of thing I started to realized how much of myself I had lost, or given away, to make that relationship work.
The more I looked at it the more I saw the imbalance. She'd get mad over something and instead of me going through the exhausting effort to explain why she wasn't justified in being mad at me I'd just apologize. I'd have to do things like make dinner, give foot rubs, and other 'cuddle' like things to influence her to have sex. It seemed like she got her way most of the time and I let that happen to keep the peace.
I came to the realization that she didn't treat me like a dog because she was mean and thoughtless. She treated me like a dog because I acted like a dog when I should have been behaving like a man.
All too often men turn into dogs in pursuit of love, or sex and we'll perform any trick she wants us to, to get what we're after and all the while we're thinking how clever we are because we're getting what we want.
It's humiliating to see what I was back then, but I'm not alone. I've lost count how many times I've heard guys talk about how they've met some girl and how they'll wine and dine her, treat her like royalty and such in order to 'score' with her.
In stead of focusing on losing her and what she meant to my life I began to think about what she had lost. Me. I started thinking about my own self worth. I thought about what I brought to the table in a relationship and before long I started to see myself and relationships much differently.
I saw myself as a man a woman would be glad to have. I didn't see myself in a prideful way, but I acknowledged my true values. We work hard at being good men. We exercise, we've chosen to grow from lifes hard knocks instead of being bitter. That makes us wise. We seek to improve ourselves; proof that you're a member of this site. We're caring, thoughtful, we strive to be open and communicate our thoughts and feelings. We seek to challenge ourselves and set a higher standard for ourselves. No matter our age we choose to continually grow and become more than who we were the day before.
We put effort and energy into being good men yet so many us lose sight of their self worth the moment a women fails to show interest in us. It's like all that you've done and gone through ceases to matter.
Instead it should matter even more. Men should consider themselves worth having and see themselves as someone of value, not just give themselves away to the first woman who takes notice of you. A woman who thinks it's okay to play games like not returning calls, laying guilt trips, etc., is not worthy of a good man. We aren't toys, or children. We worked hard to be who we are and the right women will recognize and respect us just as we respect them.
It's a mistake for a man to think he's lucky to have a woman. If she's a good woman then you earned her. You did it by being worthy of her love by being a man of integrity, good character, patience and understanding, strong but open minded, supportive and generous with your heart.
Don't, for a moment, believe you have nothing to offer a women. It's simply not true. Enter into a relationship with equal respect and love. Be flexible and understand that there's give and take in all things. You will always know you're in a good relationship because she will treat you like the man you are, and not a dog.
It reads a bit like you're not quite ready to leave the "self-pity party."
Well Son, I can understand that from time to time people will come away with something different than the intent of the article, which clearly happened in your case.
I'm at a loss to see how recognizing my value and self worth and expecting a woman to treat me accordingly equates, in your mind, to self pity. In fact this experience happened several years ago and since then I've been happily married.
I doubt your negative retort is representative of most members of this site, but the next time I decide to share a personal experience and how I grew from it, I'll include a bit extra just for you so you won't be confused about meaning.