Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Andrew Z on November 22, 2012 at 1:28pm

One step at a time, knowing that there is no "instant transition" button and that it will be tough.

What are those dreams?

What does this man you want be do with his day? How does he respond to people and situations?

What makes your body like it is? What would make it like you want it to be?

Replace bad habits with good one through discipline. Its ok to not be perfect every single moment of the day, but don't beat yourself up for fucking up, just be aware of the shortcomings and make sure to avoid them tomorrow.

This will take years but it will be worth it. You can and you will, man. Be excellent.

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Permalink Reply by Victor E. Franklin on November 23, 2012 at 12:16pm

My dreams are to travel, finish college, start a business, to get in shape and get active.  Write a book is the only dream I'm working on right now.  I have so many different things I want to do with my life. 

I want my day to be scheduled and set by me.  I want to wake up and have breakfast, exercise, write, work, have lunch, write, work, maybe exercise again, and then retire for a relaxing evening with friends, or go out and do something. 

What makes my body like it is, is years of inactivity and overeating.  What would make it like I want to be is years of exercise and insanely hard work.  Or surgery, but I'm not a fan of that.  And even with years of exercise and hard work I don't know that I'll fit into the mold I want. 

I'm slowly working to achieve that.  I'm trying to quit drinking soda. 

Thanks for replying.

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Permalink Reply by Karl Helweg on November 23, 2012 at 2:51pm

There is a whole school of psychotherapy based on listing ten adjectives describing how you view yourself, ten adjectives describing how others view you, and ten adjectives describing how you want to be.  The psychologist then helped you devise plans to help you develop and grow into the person that you want to be.  This is usually handled like a visual "game" since games exist in all cultures as a tool to teach complicated processes.  It is better suited to be a self help therapy than most beginning with a chalk or dry erase board on a wall where you cannot ignore these three circles with adjectives written in them so that you are motivated to try and improve how you see  yourself and how others see you becoming the man that you want to be.

Cutting out sodas is a good start.  Starting easy regular exercises like walking, stairs, tow lifts, grippers, etc... can help get you moving more later.  Find a physical activity that you can enjoy with a passion like racket ball, fencing, archery, biking, hiking, scuba, ax throwing, etc...  If you are having fun then it will not be a chore and you will develop more life skills worth writing about. 

Plan B - Enlist.  Drill sergeants can be amazing "life coaches" and are experts in Nietzcheian therapy. 

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Permalink Reply by Ivan S on November 23, 2012 at 8:22pm

Besides pointing out the aspects of your persona that you don't like, you should also mention those that you're comfortable with....just a thought I had while reading your post. There are some things I don't like about myself, either. There used to be more, but I've been working hard to change that. Then again, I always try to understand what it is about myself that I wouldn't change...what makes me who I am.

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Permalink Reply by Justin on November 23, 2012 at 10:23pm

Sounds like you need to set S.M.A.R.T goals

SMART Goals are Specific

                       Measurable

                       Attainable

                       that are Rewarding

                       and Timely

Write 5 goals that are inspired in the dreams that you have for yourself.

ex. I want to get into shape (Great Dream!/Lousy Goal)

 S.M.A.R.T goal: I will get into better shape by running 30 minutes three days a week

Choose one of the five goals. Once you have conquered that goal, move on to the next. Don't be too hard on yourself, no one is perfect and the path to success is paved in failure. Some of the Dreams/Goals that you have require a huge amount of discipline, devotion and hard work. The goals that you write SHOULDN'T end at their completion. They should transition into lifestyle choices over time.

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Permalink Reply by B. Graham on November 28, 2012 at 5:00pm

SMART objectives are a great guideline. Used them much in work, but we could all use them more in our personal lives I expect.

Another version is: Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Realistic, and Timely.

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Permalink Reply by Adam Adams on November 23, 2012 at 11:32pm

The "I don't like who I'm becoming" line is worrisome. We all have things within us that we don't like.

 

How about one thing at a time?

 

Example...

 

I was overweight but without muscles, I smoked, I wasn't outgoing (borderline antisocial). I stopped smoking. A year later, I started riding bikes, a year or two after that I started learning how to eat healthier. I relapsed and smoked another couple years. Now I'm back to no smoking (3 or 4 years without now) and am now working on building some muscles.

 

It takes effort to take care of ourselves. Pick what you think is the easiest trait to work on and making a real effort. Don't worry about the other stuff yet.

 

Works pretty good for me!

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Permalink Reply by terry sperling on November 24, 2012 at 8:27am

How would you act/live today if you already had all of the above?

Do that.

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Permalink Reply by Johnny on November 24, 2012 at 11:41am

You have probably heard the phrase act as if. Watch the clip from boiler room where vin diesel gives the speech. Surprisingly its true, act as if youre happy and you'll soon find you are happy. Also act confident nad confidence will come.

We have all been where you are at the important thing is recognizing it and doing something to change what you don't like about yourself. You don't like who you are or who you are becomming. Get an idea of who you want to be, the qualities you want to have and start today trying to act like that persno and it will become second nature to you.

You dont like your body, join a gym and start working out, its amazing how quick you see progress and thats very motivating.

Also, I'm not knocking you because we all come here for advice but many of your posts seem to echo the fact you aren't happy with your life, your job, your gf, etc. Don't let yourself wallow in self pity make a point of doing things to change your situation.

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Permalink Reply by Chuck Knight on November 24, 2012 at 1:58pm

Victor, your posts have taken on a direction that is starting to concern me.  They're trending towards the negative, problems with self image, and a number of other negative things that, frankly, are not healthy for you or those around you.  So, let's try to address them.  "Nip it in the bud."

 

I don't like who I am.

I don't like who I'm becoming.

 

These two are related, and frankly I'm looking at them as the more positive.  Yep, positive.  Here's why.

 

You recognize that you have faults and flaws.  Well, duh.  We all do.  Not a single one of us is perfect. 

 

And, you don't like the man you're becoming...so that means you recognize that change is possible, and is happening.  Bravo! 

 

Do you know how many people are unable to accept even the possibility of change *ever* happening?  You already know it happens.  Now it's just an issue of changing its direction.  You've already had your first epiphany!

 

I want, no I need to remake myself. 

 

This sounds good.  It also sounds overwhelming.  There's an ancient proverb, that even the longest journey begins with but a single step.  It's true.  Baby steps, Victor.

 

Or, you could do a complete break in one step, but that doesn't usually work for most people.  So we're back to baby steps.

 

We've a number of subforums for men undertaking a number of life changing activities, including weight loss/exercise.  That's the one I'm going through, myself.  If you'd like, I'd be happy to act as an accountability buddy...but only if you do the same thing for me.  It's got to be mutually beneficial for it to work.  We'd both check in with each other, regularly, and report progress.  It might actually be helpful, especially to others, if we did it as an AoM blog...document it for both of us, for posterity!

 

I've become bitter, cynical, hateful. 

 

So you're unhappy, and your unhappiness is making you un-happier.  Yeah, didn't see that one coming.  (yes, that's sarcasm)

 

I have unfulfilled dreams.

 

So, work towards fulfilling them.  or, take a step back, and get in more of a position where you can approach those dreams.

 

Dreams should be long term goals.  And you're still pretty young.  Take the long view.

 

I have a body that isn't worth a damn.

I don't know how to change any of this.

 

See above.

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Permalink Reply by Daniel T. on November 26, 2012 at 12:11am

If you don't like who you are, then change who you are becoming. It's not easy and it's a process. Make a big list of goals, then focus on smaller parts of the goal. For example, losing weight as a general goal. Then make some smaller ones.

1. Starting from now, I cut out all food that have no nutritional value (sodas, snack cakes, chips, etc.).

After you do that, then move onto:

2. I exercise 3 times a week. It should be some form of cardio appropriate to your body. For example, when I was 315 lbs, I couldn't run. In October I walk/ran a 5k and I weighed 250. I weigh 240 now and I run 1.5 miles 3 times a week, training to run the whole 5k and eventually 10k by March. Now, for you, you may be able to run. I got my start swimming and cycling. After you exercise 3 times a week, move onto:

3. I will track what I eat. Go to loseit.com and determine your TDEE. Start eating an appropriate amount of calories. Maximize your food by eating whole grains, lean meats, olive oil, lots of leafy greens. Once you do that, then:

4. Work out every day. A form of cardio every day, and strength training thrice a week.

5. A major goal - say running a 5k or biking a long race.

For losing weight the right way with no pseudoscience, go to scoobysworkshop.com.

Now, maybe you'd like to fix personality issues. Being cynical, bitter, and hateful probably stem from being unhappy. So I'd suggest a two pronged approach. First, start keeping a journal. Get out your miseries there. Write down when you are nasty to people and what you wish you'd done. Start acting like you're not that way - seriously, it'll get you in the habit. Read books by men who you'd like to emulate.

The second prong is to start fulfilling your dreams! Again, small ones first, big ones later. Want to travel? Plan a daytrip to a nearby place. Then a weekend in a city a state over. Since you remind me of me, I'll share my story.

In 2008, I flunked out of university. I was single and only had the fleetingest experiences with the opposite sex. I had no job, no money, two friends (one whom I would grow away from), and I moved back in with my mom and brother. I was nasty, very opinionated and rude. I had no style. 

First, I went back to school and started working towards my history degree. I became friends with a professor who gave me a reference - I started working at my university's writing lab. I became friends with my cousin and we started doings hikes and walks together. I started tracking my weight, cutting out soda. After I lost some weight, I started traveling. First day trips to the shore, then up to Boston. I started volunteering with the Coast Guard Auxiliary which gave me a greater purpose than myself. By 2011 I had dropped 50 lbs, started dating again, started dressing nicer, grew a circle of friends, had travel plans, got elected to a leadership role in the Auxiliary. 

This past year I lived in Rome for 6 weeks and toured Italy, had my first real relationship (which ended amicably, growing my circle of friends), and ran that 5k. 

It's a matter of making small changes. You sound like you've hit the point where you're fed up enough to make some real change. Use that anger constructively. Make 3 goals you can achieve  by the end of 2012. Achieve them. Then make 3 more and go from there. 

We all believe in you Vic!

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Permalink Reply by Scott Omega on November 26, 2012 at 11:34am

since when is cynicism a bad thing?

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