I hate the fact that its affecting me as much as it is. Those who followed my last post my girlfriend has ended our relationship and I'm suffering badly.  I'm trying to focus on my life, I'm trying to keep my mind off it but it isn't going well.  

I frigging hate how needy and whiney this is making me.  I feel like a little kid who can't get a grip on my emotions.  I've been doing the exercise, I've been focusing on old projects that I've had on the go.  Anything to stop me from trying to call or text her. I practically invented the no contact rule and here I am fighting the urge to contact her. 

Any advice as to what helped others get themselves together after a breakup would be appreciated.  When I'm focused on something I'm OK but as soon as the task is done I'm right back where I started.

My friend base is right in that age group where everyone is married or engaged and their wives/girlfriends don't want them to come out for a good old fashioned pub blowout with me.  Drinking along at the bar sure isn't my idea of a recovery.

Dammit this sucks.

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Shame on your unmarried friends for not going out with you. If your married friends are past the honeymoon stage, they should be willing to help you drown your sorrows, as well. Young women need to realize that their men will be better partners if they can hang with their guy friends a couple of times a week.

The only thing worse than losing a girl is staying with the wrong one for one minute longer.  Gives you one minute more to look for the right girl.  Start looking.  This is also a good opportunity to confront head-on that needy/whiny streak you don't like about yourself.

As for your pussywhipped friends, at least you're not married to somebody that requires you to ask permission to do things.  Heh.  Maybe there are two things worse than losing a girl.

Delete her number from your phone.  Immediately.  And don't look back.  She ended it ... but you need to make sure it stays that way.  She's unstable.  She'll call back eventually -- maybe next month, maybe two years from now.  Be ready to turn her down cold.



Thanks for all the input gents, its helping me a lot.  I'm seeing things a lot clearer now.

She just texted me to tell me that she's an emotional mess and that she feels so bad, blah, blah, blah.  I just replied "Sounds difficult, when can you come get your stuff? Ask your roommate if you can't make it yourself."

I honestly am so done with this, its time to regroup and move on.  I don't plan on getting involved with anyone for at least a month because I know it would not be fair to the girl and it gives me a month to whip back into shape. 

I do regret my friends not being there for me but at the end of the day I am in this alone anyways.  I've dealt with worse breakups, this one should be a cakewalk.

Best advice I received -  Make a list of all the things you dislike about her (mannerisms, habits, personality traits, physical traits, etc). Look at it every time you start feeling sad or missing her while visualizing her doing those behaviors.  Honestly worked wonders for me, gave me back the power of indifference.

Hm.  Indifference is great when you're broken up, but not so great when you're in love.  Will you be able to turn it on and off?  Maybe there's a way.

I think so.  I cared so much about her when we were together and by not being able to turn that off I was really struggling with the fact she doesn't care for me anymore.  I just want to be able to look her in the eye, wish her well, and walk away.  I think I'm at the point where I can do that now.

I do have to meet with her tomorrow to give her the rest of her stuff. I want to say goodbye like a gentleman once and for all. I'm still struggling with exactly what I'm going to say but the war is over and the weapons are down, I do not want to say something immature or anything that could come across as needy.  Maybe something like:

"It's been as good a run as it could have been, all the best in the future"

What I meant was, can you turn it back off when you like, on the next one.  I can well believe you'll be come less sensitive to this one over time (in fact, it's almost inevitable).

That bit about writing down all her faults is GENIUS.  I'm going to remember that bit of wisdom.  I once went back to a job I didn't like, remembering all the good things and forgetting all the bad things.  Once I got back it took like a week for all the bad things to crop up again and I shortly quit for the second time.  I was like "How did I forget how much this job sucks?"  I should have done this listing idea.

Really?  Listing qualities you don't like in a person who you have no vested interest in---remember the relationship is over--- is a waste of energy and immature, sort of like name calling.  Take this time to reconnect with you.  Figure out why you were with her, what you learned about yourself through the relationship.  Give thanks for the lessons you learned and add them to your wisdom bank.  Find someone with some real success to connect with and talk.  Forget all the ego driven babble some people are feeding you.

Yes, really.  It's just counteracting that quirk of the mind that we tend to always remember the best of times, which is a great human trait we should be thankful for.  But if you go on a week long backpacking trip, for example, you won't take photos of your exhausted face pouring sweat, you'll only remember the best parts of the trip and none of the pain.

Even in 12 Step groups, it is common, as a way of helping yourself realize how big your problem is, that you list all the sacrifices and negative consequences of your behavior.  When you make a list of all the things drugs/alcohol has cost you, it helps you make the right choice.  Same idea really.  It keeps you from going back to something that's bad for you and gets around that human tendency to only remember good things for emotional survival.

My take on all this based on experience is taking your passion and transforming it into something positive. The worst feeling you will be experiencing, and probably are right now, is depression and that gloomy and mopy feeling you get. This will take you no where and will only ruin you mentally, scarring for a long period of time. It is easier to move up the ladder of negative emotions until it is positive. You are probably passionately depressed, because you passionately loved her. Turn that depression into anger. Yes, I said it, anger. Try it out, even HATE her for a tiny bit (of course in moderation). Once you get angry about it you feel like it is her fault, and you blame yourself or put yourself down less. Remember, anger is like steam that can get blown off much easier than the so called mucky mud depression. Once you take control of your anger turn that into raw passion. Take the motivation and passion and turn it into something positive. Change your lifestyle and work out, eat right, become a better person. Eventually you will move up the hierarchy of emotions and will be better in no time. Just take that negative passion and turn it into a positive passion.

Hey Bob,

Sorry to hear about your situation, that is much worse than what I've got going on.  If its any consolation, things have gotten better for me and I'm sure they will get better for you too.  As with everything, this too shall pass.

I agree completely about not getting drunk, the most I'll allow myself to have for the time being is 2 drinks. 

Last night we met so she could get her stuff back.  The advice i received on here combined with my own efforts helped me make the most of the meeting.  I've come to accept what is and I'm working on myself and my hobbies now, she was surprised at the change.  We shared one last cup of tea together without discussing the relationship at all.  We had a few laughs and then we parted.  I then deleted all her information from my phone, my emails, my harddrive, everything, and now I am ready to open the next chapter of my life.  Its a wonderful feeling actually, to know that the worst is behind me and there are blue skies ahead.

I know your situation is much different but there will come a time when things turn around and start looking brighter again.  You have a responsibility to care for your child and yourself so make those your priorities.  If she moves further away it will make it more difficult for you but I would stay in your current job and make the commute to see your kid whenever you can.  When you aren't with the rugrat follow the standard breakup workplan: Workout often, eat healthy, reconnect with friends, find what makes you happy and pursue it with all your available energy.  These things have worked wonders for me.  I'm back taking drumming lessons after having not sat at a drumset in over 4 years, I've found a new love in Yoga which I would have never expected, and I've learned some new cooking skills that I can use for future dinner parties and date nights. 

Its been said a million times and it is sooo true, the best revenge is to live an amazing life.


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