Hello everyone, I have been lurking here for a while and have finally decided to ask your opinion.
Little back story about me, I'm 27 years old. I came to USA back in '96 from russia, that move in my life caused me to be pretty shy throughout most of the school years. Senior year was probably the best time in my life as I have matured and found few great friends that I could be "me" around. I never dated much in high school and tech school so when I met my wife I was smitten. Fast foward 7 years its not so peachy anymore, we have been married since 08 and now have two lil daughters together. One is going to be 3 in november, other is turning one this week. I love my daughters alot.
Over the course of last few years, we have gotten along alot less. Arguments are almost bi-daily now. I'm a pretty passive person, so I usually give in regardless who's right, just so the kids do not see us arguing. Last few months have gotten even worse, we barely talk, when we do its usually very short.
Ever since she became a stay at home mom, I feel she has "let herself go" sometimes she dosent shower for a week straight, I have to do all her laundry... house is constantly trashed... etc.....I feel like I am no longer attracted to her. She shares no interests with me besides our childern, she hates my music, cars, games, pretty much everything I enjoy doing. Some days I dread going home from work and take the long way there...
Both of us a currently attending marrige conseling but I do not think it will change the way our relationship is. She gets very defensive when I bring anything up about our marrige and it usually ends in another argument....
We currently rent a house from her parents, so I have been thinking about moving out and filling a divorce...I can see us being decent co parents/friends, but not husband and wife. To me it seems like paying child support and be slightly broke would be less miserable then not having a place where I can enjoy being.
My question is should I follow my heart/feelings or do something else?
I think you should give the counselling a honest try first. Furthermore, not showering for a week and not leaving home sounds more like depression than just being selfish and "letting oneself go". Furthermore, maybe counselling for her and yourself separately wouldn't hurt as well.
Also, you married young for Americans. This often works out, but it also often involves issues like you're experiencing. Biologically, your wife got a whole bunch of lifestyle changes and hormone fluctuations before her brain was fully mature. You got the lifestyle changes, too. The general society isn't maximized for your situation.
Counseling will help with this stuff.
Agreed, screaming depression to me
I'd agree with the consensus. Sounds like it may be a problem with her, more than with the marriage. Depression is a really solid possibility. Maybe being a stay-at-home mom doesn't agree with her.
I'd try absolutely everything I could before I'd even contemplate divorce. Give the counseling a chance to work, and encourage her to get counseling on her own. Maybe look for other options to get her out-of-the-house and moving. Part time work. Church involvment. Whatever.
I think there's probably stuff you can do on your own, too. Take her out a lot. Romance her. Get a babysitter and show her a good time. Sounds like her life -- and your marriage -- just stalled out, and needs the spark back.
+1 to all. Church involvement especially if you're a man of faith.
Agree with Jack.
Also, ask yourself what attracted her to you to begin with. Seek ways to re-spark that behavior in her.
"She shares no interests with me besides our childern, she hates my music, cars, games, pretty much everything I enjoy doing. Some days I dread going home from work and take the long way there..."
That's a 2 way street. If she doesn't share your interests, likelihood is you don't share hers. Try doing something she likes (even if you can't stand it...appreciate her interests because you love her) and see if she reciprocates. Jack summed it up in 2 words: Romance her.
Shane also...she needs to get back to her professional pursuits too.
I did forget to add one important thing, most of our arguments are over her wanting a third.... and me not...
And we repeat: Your wife needs to be evaluated for (post-partum) depression.
Hire a nanny. Tell her to go back to work.
Anybody in our society who doesn't bathe for a week is depressed. Depression also manifests in being uninterested in life and activity. And while she is suffering from this, she also suffers from feeling like you don't approve of her, don't like her, and don't honor her. (I'm not saying it's easy to do these things.)
You seem to be asking: should you do nothing -- no marriage counseling, no personal counseling, no particular effort in any way to put the good feelings back into the marriage -- and eject her as refuse; or not? Rewards take effort.
But it's not just about her anyway. If your buttons are pushed, it's because your buttons are available to be pushed. You may not be able to make her stop being depressed, but you can certainly address your reaction to it. Marriage counseling, personal counseling, or elsewhere.
Thanks for posting. I think when someone really lays it out as you have, it helps the rest of us to be that open too.
It's not about the marriage.
Anybody in our society who doesn't bathe for a week is depressed.
Or a hippy.