This is to all the manly men of Manliness
I need your advice. I've tried asking my father but he was in a different position while making this choice than I am now.
I've got a girlfriend, my first real one, we've been going strong for a good 9 months and It could go on indefinitely. She's my first and I'm her first.
The thing is, I still have urges to be with other women sometimes (thoughts stray into my mind). You know, to experience a different ethnicity, to spend some time with someone else, to sleep in a different bed. What my question is, if you're in the same position I am and have been married for a few years, how do you deal with these urges? And another side question, to those who took another path and instead broke up with their future waifus, was it worth it?
Even though she's my first, being in a stable relationship with a good woman has changed me so much and made me so different than I was before, that I'm quite sure I'd never have trouble finding a date ever again, or finding a good woman
Although yes, it would be possible to break up and get back together later, any decent man knows that a woman's mind is weak without her man telling her not to do stupid shit, and will eventually get drunk or something else and will turn into a some kind of skank.
I'd care about her even if we were broken up, I wouldn't want to be the blame for that
You're thinking about: being with other women, sleeping in another bed, breaking up with the future wife, finding dates and (another) good woman, breaking up (temporarily or not). Although you show some concern for her ("I'd care about her even if we were broken up"), you don't show commitment, and to me you seem focused on your feelings (even if something bad happens to her, you speak of how it would feel to you).
So I think you are definitely not ready to marry. Caring mostly about her effect on you is the POV of a single man dating and looking, not a husband.
Couldn't agree more.
It seems like you have a rather skewed view of women anyways - "any decent man knows that a woman's mind is weak without her man telling her not to do stupid shit"
Sounds more like a girl than a woman if you ask me. But anyways, don't jump into a serious commitment right now. I'm in my early twenties and I can tell you your life's going to look a whole lot different in a couple years.
Misogynistic too I would say. Gotta be careful with your words.
Huh?.....It's only biological to want to spread your seed. I'm asking for other people's experiences
No you're not. You're looking for someone to tell you it's ok to play the field or cheat or dump this girl or give up looking for fear that you won't do better. I don't know exactly what you want but what I do know is that you are asking others to take the responsibility for something you have to do yourself.
The thing is, no one can tell you what to do. If you find yourself wishing to be with other women all I can tell you is that the one you are with is not the one for you right now. Whether you sleep with 100 women or just one, you'll know you are with the right one because you won't want another. Can you say that about your current situation?
As for the end of your post about women's minds and such. I like your honesty. There are many guys who share your view but are too cowardly to admit it and pretend to be more socially acceptable. But that said, I think you are wrong. Women are a lot stronger than you think and I hope you learn to accept that and welcome it. There is no weaker sex, just different.
A final note. Whatever you do, just be a man about it. If you want to play the field, don't cheat on or lie to this girl like a coward. Break up with her and set her free to find another before you go yourself.
"how do you deal with these urges?"
I'd never cheat, and I'm definitely not looking for someone to tell me it's alright to cheat. I asked how people deal with the urges not "how to completely solve the problem".
"Whether you sleep with 100 women or just one, you'll know you are with the right one because you won't want another. Can you say that about your current situation?"
Again, she is my first. I know she's the right one, she'd make a good wife. What I'm asking is how people deal with the urges to sleep with other women, not the action to do it. You're not going to lie to me and say you've been in a relationship with a girl for a long time and you've never thought "Damn, I'd love to be single right about now" or "Sex is getting a little boring, wish I had something new to the table".
"Women are a lot stronger than you think and I hope you learn to accept that and welcome it. There is no weaker sex, just different."
I actually had to think about this, like you and many others pointed out, I come from a much different lifestyle that you all might not understand. I live in new york, and absolutely almost all of the women are whores, this is no lie. They may not sleep around with lots of men, they might even be in a long relationship with one, the thing is they're all so stupid and when left alone would most likely do something very very stupid. My girlfriends one of the few who's not one (strict asian family and religion, thanks). Answer me this: If you left your girlfriend alone with her friends (who are pretty much all very "outgoing") for a few months, what do you think would happen. She wouldn't have to cheat, but at some point, something WILL happen, her friends will take her drinking, they'll go out, they'll do something stupid and they'll encourage her to be stupid. That, is what I'm trying to say. Never said there was a weaker sex, but women are more the followers then leaders.
Where is Rebekkah when you need her?
So, are you trying to tell us that the majority of women in New York are so dumb that even if they don't want to do something stupid they will anyway, eventually, because their brains don't have the same capacity for decision making as a man's? Except, of course, for your girlfriend, becasue she's one of the few.
I don't have any friends in New York, sorry. I know that the demographics in NYC make it a man's market - There are more straight single women than straight single men. I know that on college campuses, the same dynamic leads women to have more sexual partners with less romantic commitment. This is the first time I've seen a man complain about it, though.Well, that's not true. I've seen this double standard a million times. Men love having sexually available women around, but when they want to actually marry or otherwise choose just one, they want a "virgin."
As for women's judgment, again, can't speak to NY, but nationally we earn more college degrees, manage more households, eat better, exercise more, drink less, have fewer auto accidents, and spend less money. Yup, we show really poor judgment and gross lack of self-control.
What urges? Desire for women other than your partner? Depends. When you look at those other women, if I told you that you could trade one for your GF, no questions asked and no judgements by anyone but you can't trade back, would you do it? If so, then maybe you are not with the right one. If you just mean that you love your girl and she's the greatest but you find you still are able to be attracted when you see another pretty girl then congrats, you're a normal man and there is nothing wrong with your vision. What to do about those kind of urges though? I think Paul Newman had the best quote there. He was asked if he was ever tempted to cheat on his wife (being a Hollywood leading man he surely had lots of offers) and he said, "why go out for a hamburger when you have steak at home?"
Can you say that about your current situation?
You better believe I can. I'm no cassanova but I've had my share of the wrong girl and now I am blessed with having the right and I can tell you the two are worlds apart.
As for urges. I, like any guy with enough testosterone, have them. But my urges are for the woman I married. Not because I married her but it is probably why I knew it was right to marry her. If you are feeling strong desires for other women, it may be time to take a serious look at the one you are with and ask yourself whether she really is the one you want to be with. There is no shame in saying no. And no to your other questions, I'm not blind, there are plenty of pretty women in the world but I picked mine and I am happy and if given a second pick I'd just go back and pick her again. That's marriage. That's love. Without that I'd really consider backing off in this relationship if I were you.
I can't comment on your friends or what they do. But considering how many people live in NY I'm going to assume you are generalizing when you say "almost all". Also, seeing as it takes two to tango, would it be safe to assume that there are equal numbers of attached male whores running around drunk with their pals hooking up with these unfaithful women? I don't think either sex has a hold on either being stupid or being a follower. I've met plenty of both genders who would meet the criteria (and plenty of both who don't).
Answer (for your answer me this): I don't own my girlfriend (wife now) or would even try to so I can't leave her with anyone. I'm not trying to be smart here but reread your question. I am attracted to mature women who can stand on their own two feet and that is what I married. You are describing a child. I agree that there are many women (and men) who fit that description but I wouldn't be attracted to them so its not my problem. But now let's pretend I go away and my girlfriend is spending more of her social time (now that she can't spend it with me) with her pals. Let's say they go out, drink, dance, have fun, whatever. I hope she does. Who wants a woman who's gonna pine away at home waiting for your return. If I wanted that, I'd just buy a puppy. Now the next bit. I agree that some women (and men) would drink too much, probably being led by friends, and do stupid stuff like cheat on her BF. This isn't a New York phenomena, go to any bar in the world and you'll see this. But once again, I'm not attracted to that sort of woman so not my problem. Likewise, if I was the sort to do that my wife would have married someone else too.
This bit is not really related to your answer but I got to address it.
Jimmy, you're sexist. You're honest, which I think is a much better trait (I'd hang out with an honest sexist over a lying feminist any day) but you should still work on the sexist thing. The complaints you have about women are there in the world I agree. There are probably millions to support it. But there are just as many men out there who are just as bad. Likewise, just as there are plenty of good men, the world is blessed with a great number of great women as well.
I've kind of lost my motive to argue because I've realized this is something I'll have to figure out myself, but you wrote a good lengthy rebuttal and I thought you deserved mine.
And- before I start. I'm not sexist. Yes, you are correct, as many bad women there are there are equally bad men, but my subject was women, so I didn't focus on the other half. See, I'm very bad with words, I'm more of an action man. When I say women are weaker minded, I mean they're more likely to follow. I definitely don't think myself any better than any (good) girl, I know my role as her protector and provider and I know hers as a caretaker, and each are equally as important.
Do you know the quote, "Given a long enough lifespan, the life expectancy of anyone will drop to 0". Think of it like that, but with stability, in a long enough time period with no stability, something will go wrong. What do you think makes your wife stable? You do. And, given enough time, something stupid will occur. This of course would never happen if we lived in a society where being a woman that was outgoing, getting drunk, and being surrounded by other men was shunned upon (like the 1940's), in such an environment a woman (and you know what, even a man eventually) will be susceptible to this degrading on his or her moral character. Men are susceptible to this crap too, I just use women as the basic example because they're the most mailable to change. Why do you think we have so many feminine guys running around? Because it's normal and encouraged. So can we move on and agree that without stability (you, religion, or society, but mostly you), your wife is susceptible to change. So are you, try sitting around the house doing nothing for an entire week and you'll notice you've become more feminine. That's why we're constantly striving for something, otherwise we'd be nothing.
And finally the point I started off wanting to get across and why I started this topic; The urges are purely physical. I'd never cheat, it's just instinctual for me to want to physically experience something new. For you it's probably easier to push them down because you've been around, she's my first. I know to stick it out, but I don't want to get to a point where I say "fuck it, let instinct take over" and I regret it. That's why I'm asking for your past experiences and how the situation panned out