This is a weird one and the only reason I'm asking is because I've had a certain Best Friend's girlfriend accuse me of "making her feel like less of a good girl friend because I do things for him" Such as when he had the flu VERY badly last fall I went out after a week and got much needed necessities (bananas, Gatorade, then some when you are well snacks, and a LOL card). She then said when I do nice things like this it makes her feel like less of a good girlfriend since she doesn’t have a car and can't do things like this. The mean part of me feels like saying "That's your problem, suck it up." but I'm a nice guy... that and I don't want to cause ANYMORE drama (I've posted about previous drama and issues with them)

 

The thing is... my friends and I did this back in college so for me it a natural extension, when my other close friend had back surgery I got him a few comics and some snacks. Both he and his wife loved it. 

 

It's the way I am. I'm a nice guy and I try to be a good friend

 

But with all the issues in the past the last thing I need to here is "You make me feel..." which I could hear because she won't be back for his birthday, she's in another country currently. Last year I took him out to dinner for his birthday and we had a great time. Just two friends being guys, and having a good time. Now that he's dating her I'm a little leery of asking. He has said that his birthday isn't a big deal but it's something i like to do for my friends.

 

So my question is this... Is it weird to take a best friend out to dinner and just enjoy the camaraderie?

Tags: Friendship, NO, drama, women

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Seeing as a relationship between best friends/buddies/mates/chums/pals is of a totally different nature from a guy to girlfriend, romantic one, I can't see your friend's girl's point. I would say, just go out, have a great time and be happy that you have a best friend!

Bottom line: it's not weird, should never be, to take a friend to dinner. It's only weird to have a friend for dinner... Lecter style! 

She's very possessive and jealous of anyone else taking his time. Hell she even got jealous when his mom gave him a hug and a kiss.

So I know she views me as competition.

Well, that really is her problem. If she's serious with him, she'll have to get used to sharing his attention with his family/friends. In fact, you'll be doing her a favour in getting her used to it sooner. It seems unreasonable to be 'nice' to a girl like that if it includes sacrificing some parts of a great friendship.

Just MHO.

Its not weird to go out to dinner with a friend.  Its a little weird to bring a care package when they have the flu.  Can't say I've ever done that.  That is something I would typically leave to a girlfriend or wife ... or mother.  But, its not inappropriately outlandish, just outside my normal boundaries.

 

The girlfriend has a strange inferiority complex.  She's threatened by you -- almost to the point that it sounds like she's treating you as if you were another woman.  Not sure why ... though your other posts about them may give a hint if I bothered to look them up.

 

Instead of worrying whether you make her look bad, she ought to worry about making herself look good.  Nobody's stopping her from tending to the boyfriend when he had the flu.

I wouldn't worry too much about her.  If the guy doesn't have a problem bothering her, neither should you.  Let him manage his own relationship.  Quit trying to manage it for him.  The only real deference I would give would be not to intrude on time they're spending alone ... for instance, don't extend a dinner invitation that intentionally conflicts with her birthday plans for him.  Sounds like she has no plans anyway.

 

Go to dinner.  She'll live.


JB

She's threatened by you -- almost to the point that it sounds like she's treating you as if you were another woman.  Not sure why ... though your other posts about them may give a hint if I bothered to look them up.

Maybe her gaydar is going off around him.

She knows I'm bi and that I find him attractive. But I've said REPATEDLY that I will NEVER EVER make a pass. I've been high and drunk multiple times and have never done anything.

 

His friendship is more important to me than anything else. And he doesn't have a problem with me. Hell he told one of his exes I found him attractive. That's not weird at all. UGH.

Ah.  Well, that explains it.  She has doubts about your intentions.  She also has doubts about her boyfriend's orientation ... but, that's his problem, I suppose.  Its not helping that you're outdoing her with grand gestures that are more often suited to a significant other.  She doesn't trust either of you.

 

I'm not entirely sure how to navigate here.  You say you want to treat this like a regular platonic friendship ... even though you're attracted to the dude, and his girlfriend knows it.  You want to be treated like just another guy friend ... but, given your attraction and her doubts about her boyfriend, you're more analogous to another girl that has a crush on her boyfriend, but swears she won't act on it.

 

There's no way I would suggest that he can spend significant time with a girl like that without potentially dooming the relationship. She'll never see this as a regular, platonic friendship.  She'll always have doubts.

 

Ultimately, this is his problem, not yours.  Its still his relationship to manage.  Don't manage it for him.  He's obviously not willing to prioritize this relationship over your friendship ... which is probably her real problem with it.  Don't be surprised if some girl comes along that makes him shift his priorities and reduce your time together significantly, though.

 

JB

I'd tell him to suck it up and deal with it, but...

Not necessarily some of the issues in the past I feel he said or did something to bring it on. Because what girl comes out of the blue and accuses the best friend that "You'd let him cheat on me with you." After you've made it very clear nothing is ever going to happen.

We had the talk when I first came out to him. I told him I would never make the first move. I have to much control and I value you him too much as my friend.

And he's dropped plans with not only me but other friends (hell even family) because she wanted to be alone with him. Not always in a sexual context but just wanted to be with him. But she said a few weeks ago that she doesn't want to live with a group of guys because "He'll have less time for me". I wish I had said to her, "Are you for real??? He drops for you ALL the time." She's young and self centered and ultimately she'll destroy the relationship before it would have naturally by being to clingy.

It's something I do observe and one thing I do not and WILL not allow when I finally find a girlfriend. She'll have her own life and I will mine, there'll be times we spend time together and other times we have alone time with friends.

"Nothing is ever going to happen" and "I would never make the first move" are not at all the same thing.  She's threatened because she thinks her boyfriend will make the first move ... and you'll make the second.  You won't cause him to cheat, but you won't stop him if he makes a move.

 

Men often drop plans with other people to spend time with their girl.  That's how it works.  Women take time ... and progressively more of it as the relationship goes ... 'til you're married, and time is community property.

 

JB

Jack let me reprhase. I've told her that 'nothing is ever going to happen' when I came out to him way back when I told him "I would never make the first move".

As long as he's in a relationship I will not allow anything to happen. I don't know if I would even if he wasn't in one at this point.

"Its not weird to go out to dinner with a friend.  Its a little weird to bring a care package when they have the flu.  Can't say I've ever done that.  That is something I would typically leave to a girlfriend or wife ... or mother.  But, its not inappropriately outlandish, just outside my normal boundaries."

 

+

 

"She knows I'm bi and that I find him attractive."

 

+

 

"Ah.  Well, that explains it.  She has doubts about your intentions."

=

 

Exactly.

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