"Probably just joking around with you. The saying goes that women bond by complimenting each other but they don't mean it while men bond by insulting each other but don't mean it."
Negative Self-talk
Hi all,
I've been browsing this website for a while trying to become the man that I want to be. I'm taking baby steps right now. A little about myself. I'm 26 years old and I'm nowhere close to the man I aspire to be.
I grew up without a father figure. I didn't meet him until I was a freshman year in high school. Even then, we never got close. So when it came to girls, the way I acted was how I saw men acted on T.V. Got me nowhere. I grew up with an overprotective mother, always telling me how I can't do things because it's either a waste of time or I'm going to get hurt. As you can see, I never got positive reinforcements for anything. But I'm done blaming my parents and I want to make changes.
My biggest downfall is my negative self-talk and low confidence. It always has been. I know I should feel confident because of all that's going for me, but somehow I feel I'm not good enough.
I'm going back to take classes to pursue med school, I lift weight (5x5 program), I train MMA (on and off for 4 years), I play the guitar, girls love my sense of humour, women think I'm cute, I stick to my morals. I feel I have everything that I need to be a MAN, it's just my negative self-talk wins all the time. There are times when I'm so furious with my negative self-talk that I wish there was some way for me to get into my brain and beat the shit out of it. Armbar that piece of shit and put him to sleep for good when a nice Anaconda choke.
All my relationships came because the girls had to ask me out! How pathetic is that? Eventually it starts to fall apart because in the back of my head I think that she's going to find someone better. It's terrible. I'm done feeling this way. I wan't to man up and beat the living shit out of my negative self-talk.
Negative self-talk always wins when it mentions me only being 5'8.
Does anyone have any tips? Skills? Advice? On how to deal with this? I'm in it for the long haul. What it comes down to is, when I have sons of my own, I don't want them to feel this way. I don't ever want them to doubt themselves. I want them to be as confident as they can be. And when they look at me, I want them to think that I am one hell of a man and that they learned their self confidence from me.
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by The Original Cody on -
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Permalink Reply by Liam S. on -
It can be tough, but honestly - just knock it off.
As silly as it sounds, forcing yourself to change the language you use to refer to yourself WILL stop that cycle of reinforcement, and allow you break out it. Consider making a "swear jar" that you have to donate to every time you catch yourself doing something self deprecating and negative. Give yourself a script to repeat to yourself, if you have to.
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Permalink Reply by Rick Shelton on -
Actually not a bad idea by a long shot Liam. Are you part counselor?
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Permalink Reply by Liam S. on
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Hah. No just an older brother and have been in too many relationships with people with self-esteem issues (including myself).
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Permalink Reply by Jack Bauer on -
Liam is right ... knock it off. Best way to beat a negative inner monologue is to prove it wrong. Self-esteem and confidence are a side-effect -- they are the goal, not the way to the goal. Truthfully, convincingly-faked confidence works just as well as the real thing ... so, fake it. Ask the girl anyway -- practice makes perfect. What's the worst that could happen?
Don't worry about what you can't change. Can't do much about being 5'8". I'm only a little taller than that myself. It is what it is. My life wouldn't be any different if I were 6'2".
JB
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Permalink Reply by Rick Shelton on
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Only 5'8"? So you're average height for a man. Being 6'7" or 7'0" doesn't mean you're better it just means you have to spend more on clothes. Even the size of your penis doesn't make you more or less of a man. Change what you can and accept what you can't (Serenity Prayer by theologian Reinhold Niebuhr) and have the wisdom to know the difference.
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Permalink Reply by Nick H on -
First off. 5'8". Do you know who else was 5'8"?
This guy was.
Read about his life and I challenge you to find a more manly man!
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Permalink Reply by Native Son on -
And he had a squeaky voice.
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Permalink Reply by Mike D. on
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Try replacing it with positive self talk. Find things you're good at and remind yourself of that.
Learn to find out if you can control things or not. Not smart enough? Pick up a book. Not strong enough? Lift some weights. Too short? Sorry, nothing you can do that. You'll always be 5'8".
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Permalink Reply by SteveSF on -
Rick,
For me, self confidence has always been a tricky thing. It's easy to say that I wish I was more self confident, but I'm not sure it works that way. And I think self confidence is over rated.
Imagine a scenario where you are expected to perform in a scenario for which you are totally unprepared, for me it might be having my boss asking me to play golf. Now I've never actually played golf, I get the idea of golf, but I barely understand the rules and don't know the difference between a birdie and an eagle.
It sounds like in your mind a self-confident man would walk out onto the course saying to himself, "I got this", with some innate trust that he would somehow become a golf whiz.
That may be how it works for some guys, but not me. I would spend some time learning the rules and the lingo, and then I would follow two strategies that have worked well for me as a rule in numerous situations.
First, admit you are not confident and fake it. Just fucking pretend that you are having the time of your life. Nine times out of ten no one will know the difference. Don't beat yourself up because you aren't confident that you will excel at something that you might not be good at. It's okay, you're good at other stuff, deal.
Second, I think confidence is less about being sure you'll succeed and more about knowing you'll be okay if you fail. Seriously. If you're insecure about your height, not that I think you should be, take an evening and go to a bar where no one knows you. Make it a point to say hello to the tallest women you can find. Not hit on them, not hit on them, not date them, but walk up and say, hi, I'm Rick.how's your nite going. She may be polite, she may not. I'm guessing the worst you'll get is, "I'm good, bye". In the end, you'll realize it's not about your height. And you can handle it. And confidence isn't about being sure the woman will love you, but that you're sure you'll be okay if she doesn't.
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Permalink Reply by Nick H on
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I think "faking it" will lead to living it. Its like forgiveness. Not sure of your religious background Rick but if you are not a Christian you might wonder how they are able to forgive certain people and things. The truth is they don't. Not right away anyway. Sometimes you have to tell yourself you forgive them, even when deep down you haven't, and overtime, what starts as a conscious action (forgiving them when you don't feel it) becomes a part of you (you begin to feel it).
Confidence is the same. When you hear yourself say "I'm bad at X", you can't hit it so I think the best thing to do is quickly say to yourself "I'm good at X". Your mind says "I can't" then do it like "it can". Your mind can convince your body about something and believe it or not, you body can reverse the order and convince your mind you can.
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