I know I am the ugliest man who ever lived, because my college-age nephew tells me that every time I visit. And I say, "That's fine, but can you face the other direction when you say it, so I don't have to see your face or smell that breath?" I tell him that the only reason his picture's not next to "ugly" in the dictionary is Webster's doesn't want to be sued. That's our schtick, our game, which has gone on since he was 10 or so.
It's time for the next visit, and I want some good ones. Probably the best so far was putting travel-size samples of deodorant and mouthwash in his stocking. Which annoyed him till he found out it was me -- then it was funny.
Any good ideas?
"As ugly as you are, I bet your pecker looks like a bicycle grip by now."
If my dog looked like you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.
You could push your face into cookie dough and make monster cookies.
If you were any uglier, you could model for death threats.
You're uglier than farting in church.
hookers charge you extra.
the doctor slapped your mom when you were born.
You're so ugly, you could make a gay bar host a ladies night.
I'm pretty sure frenching a corpse is necrophilia. You should do more to hide the evidence.
You're so ugly your mom had to go in for an extra ultrasound to determine species.
You're so ugly African natives skip your page in National Geographic.
The SWAT team just called for you. They need to disperse an Occupy Wall Street crowd.
I've packed inspirational thoughts in his presents (with the video Taken, I put "May your picture never be..."), and I'm armed with zingers. Thanks! Off to lay waste to each other's self-esteem.
your girlfriend did not mind me last night
Keep it simple.
"Listen Junior, when I want some shit out of you, I'll reach over and squeeze your head."