I know I am the ugliest man who ever lived, because my college-age nephew tells me that every time I visit.  And I say, "That's fine, but can you face the other direction when you say it, so I don't have to see your face or smell that breath?"  I tell him that the only reason his picture's not next to "ugly" in the dictionary is Webster's doesn't want to be sued.  That's our schtick, our game, which has gone on since he was 10 or so.

It's time for the next visit, and I want some good ones.  Probably the best so far was putting travel-size samples of deodorant and mouthwash in his stocking.  Which annoyed him till he found out it was me -- then it was funny.  

Any good ideas?

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Put glass in his food. 


Deport him.


Tell him you'd pimp him out to biker gangs if you could get away with it.


Sleep with his mother.





Tell him he owes you 5 bucks. You'd sold him to a gypsy you knew but when he saw the picture of what he bought, took back his money plus 5 bucks for "pain and suffering."

Ask him if that is his face or did his neck throw up.

Dude there is a HUGE pimple on your neck! Wait, it's your head. 

Did you cultivate that odor to mask the smell of fear? 

Seeing as it occupies the front of your head, it is, and must be called, a face.

Your halitosis makes a maggot puke/a skunk weep a tear of envy/would disgust a dung beetle that lost interest in its career and really let itself slide.

I'd rather stick my tongue in a fan than (fill in the blank).

From Catullus: I don't knwo what's worse, your butt or your mouth. Probably your mouth. At least your butt doesn't have teeth.

Halitosis?  The best insults always send them scurrying for a medical dictionary.  Maybe go with "breath" instead.


Useless pedantry helps give the insulter a sense of superiority.

These are great!  Well, most of them.

Fart in his mouth and tell him it is a vast improvement to his current condition.

Tell him you've turned into the "Dirty Uncle."

When there's a lull at the family dinner table shout at him; "Stop playing with my dick with your foot!"

Tell him; "I believe you have excrement in your halitoses...so there! And and you're dummy looking! Oh just shut up bad person!!!"


Sleep with his dad.

"As ugly as you are, I bet your pecker looks like a bicycle grip by now." 

If my dog looked like you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.

You could push your face into cookie dough and make monster cookies.

If you were any uglier, you could model for death threats.

You're uglier than farting in church. 

hookers charge you extra.

the doctor slapped your mom when you were born.


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