I'm sorry this is so long, but I need some serious advice about a girl.  This question is the sole reason I actually signed up, though I've been frequenting this site for years.  I have been dating this girl for six months.  Was dating, rather.  I just broke up with her yesterday.  You see, I'm madly in love with her, but I think it was just the wrong time for us to possibly work out.  I'm getting deployed in July and will be gone for almost a year.  She is going to Europe for two months starting in June.  The reason I broke up with her was that when I leave to go my army drills, she sometimes goes and spends time with another guy.  I have a huge problem with that, the whole one=on-one thing and that it only happens when I leave.  I don't believe that she cheated on me, but I still have a problem with it due to a previous relationship.  I have made it very clear to her that it is a problem to me.  She has a problem with me spending one-on-one time with other girls, and I stopped.  Yet, she continues to hang out with this guy when I leave.

She also has an issue with me.  When I go away to my drills, it is very difficult for me to talk to her.  It is hard to text or call her because I very seldom have service, time, or the ability to charge my phone.  She never made me aware of this issue, otherwise I would have made more of an effort.

The final problem, and the most serious, is that I believe her and I started dating to soon after she broke up with her ex; someone she dated for four years.  We started dating within four months of their break up.  She told me that she hurt him very badly while they were dating and that when he found out she was dating me so soon he called her and told her how terrible of a person she is.  So, she basically has this guilt complex and wants to fix what she did to him.  Not necessarily get back together with him, but she feels terrible hurting him and dating me is "like rubbing salt in the wound."  She is unable to progress in our relationship because her guilt complex causes her to still have feelings for him.

All of these things escalated all at once and so I broke up with her.  The problem is, she is the most amazing girl I have ever met.  She is beautiful, smart, quirky, ambitious and funny.  I love how I can be myself with her and never have to pretend I'm something that I am not.  I'm madly in love with her, and I don't want to be broken up with her.  I simply don't know what to do.  My brain tells me that giving it space is the best option but my heart tells me I need to try to fix things.  Advice?  

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You love her after all that? I'm skeptical. Sounds to me like she has a lot of baggage and until those problems are resolved (and she grows up; how old is she anyway?) this relationship will stagnate, crash, and burn. I think you'll see in time that you made the right call by breaking up with her but I understand that it's hard to see right now. 

I absolutely do.  She is 23, I'm 22.  I know that she has baggage, but all these problems only seem to come up when I go away.  When we're together, everything is perfect.  We can't get enough of each other.  The times that I will miss the most are laying in her bed, cuddling and watching TV.  We ended on a good note.  Neither of us wants to break up, but we both know that it is what's best for now.  I really want to get back together with her after I get back from my deployment, but she made it very clear that she is not promising anything.  I don't really know what advice I was looking for because I know I did the right thing...It's just that I really don't want to be without her...

Read this:

When we're together, everything is perfect.  We can't get enough of each other.  The times that I will miss the most are laying in her bed, cuddling and watching TV.  

Now read it again:

When we're together, everything is perfect.  We can't get enough of each other.  The times that I will miss the most are laying in her bed, cuddling and watching TV.  

I don't mean to bash or attack you when I say this, and I realize how cold this may sound, but this reeks of infatuation. Your entire statement was pumped full of emotions and emotive words.  

Don't get me wrong- emotions are great. But it sounds to me that you're being governed by your emotions right now which will only lead to disaster and heartbreak down the road. 

Let me ask you: how are you defining "love" in your relationship? Is it defined as what you two can get from each other- the feelings you provoke in one another and the pleasure that comes from your union? Because that's what it sounds like to me to be completely honest. 

Perhaps a better question: would a marriage to this woman survive when the emotions evaporate? After reading this: 

When we're together, everything is perfect.  We can't get enough of each other.  The times that I will miss the most are laying in her bed, cuddling and watching TV.  

I would say no. But of course I'm not you and I'm not in much of a position to answer that question. YOU should answer it though, if only to yourself. 

I think DJ has it exactly right.  You're stuck in the usual struggle between your head and your heart and---to your credit---you are letting your head lead.  Also, you've been with her for about six months, which is probably about when deeper problems will start becoming evident, that the emotional high can no longer cover up.

You're leaving on deployment soon and she's going to Europe, so you'll both have plenty of opportunity to get both time and space away from the relationship.  I would suggest you stay in touch with her, but not romantically (as far as you can: obviously you won't have a lot of time for writing letters), and then see what happens when you get back.  You'll both be a year or more older, hopefully that much more mature, and you'll both see the relationship differently.  If romance is still possible, go for it---cautiously---and if not, you have a good friend.

I'm myself quite a heavy lover. (still recoering froma break-up almost a year ago), but this advice may come in handy and has a universal truth.

Let her fly away, if she comes back she truly loves you.

So let the ball roll, see what destiny brings to you and keep remembering that love always come unexpected. :)

Wow. If you lived in western iowa or eastern nebraska, i'd say you were dating my ex. we dated for four years, and it ended badly not long ago. In addition, the girl you are describing sounds a lot like her. That being said, i feel for you. From my own experience, you are correct in saying that this perhaps just isnt the time. The cell phone thing is something that concerns me. I'm not big on the military, but she should respect that you are doing something important with your life, and because of it you cant be there to answer every text instantaneously. The other guy, well... thats kind of something you need to accept, if you want to have a future with her. She is entitled to have a friend, even if he is of the other sex. If you don't think she's cheating, let it go. If it really isnt the time, then let it be. There are plenty of good women out there. Best of luck my friend.

I was thinking the same. A guy shouldn't feel threatened if his girl has male friends but there are boundaries I think. I'm wondering if Nate's view comes from his relationship with his ex and I wonder what her next boyfriend's view on it would be.

Actually, it is in part due to her, but mostly due to my current relationship. My ex absolutely would not allow me to have female friends, despite the fact that my best friend is, in fact, female. Lesbian, but female. I know how controlling and distrustful that is and how it makes one feel. Therefor, i have no problem with my fiance hanging out with her male friends. I trust her, and i trust these other guys (most of them i knew before i knew her. Just a case of "degrees of seperation"). Ask yourslef how you would feel if the situation was reversed.

In part, i disagree.

No human being have right to tell other one with who we may or may not have a relationship. And in this scenario you can include, boy/girlfriends forbidding the partner to hang out with someone of the opposite sex, ex-boy/girlfriends forbidding friends from have a relationship with his/her ex, etc.. We all are on the pursuit of happiness, and we have no right to interfere in our partners/friends pursuit! If this(Hang out with other guys that are her friends, as a group or in a one-on-one meeting), makes her happy, why the hell would you not want her to do it? God damn it, she has her own life!! We must always remind that, before everything, we are HUMANS, and we must live our lives as humans, not as boyfriends, friends, son, or whatever role we play. So if, you're doing things as the boyfriend chad(Or friend chad, or son chad, whatever, apply this to everything in your life), that do not make HUMAN CHAD happy, well my friend, you definitely is not going to be happy!

However, i strongly agree with the part of disrespect. If you're not comfortable with she hanging out with other guys, told her that, and she insists in doing it, that's definitely a disrespectful behavior, and in my opinion, respect and trust, are the principal pillars of a relationship. If there's no respect or trust, forget it, it's not going to work!

That doesn't make sense.  If you think she should do whatever she wants in the 'pursuit of happiness', and not even a husband or boyfriend has the right to say otherwise ... how can her doing whatever she wants be disrespectful to the guy that has no right to demand she not?

Are there any limits to your 'pursuit of happiness' theory of existence?  If, for instance, banging prostitutes four times a week is how he pursues happiness ... but that particular pursuit would piss her off ... does she have the right to tell him he cannot have a 'relationship' with hookers?

Sounds pretty hairbrained.



I was talking about this particular statement:

No man should have to accept his girlfriend/wife hanging out with another man

I don't think we have the RIGHT to forbid it. Does not mean you should endure and accept actions that could piss you off.  But i see this as variable things, not constant. For instance, if makes me happy to bang prostitutes four times a week, but makes my girlfriend unhappy, next time i bang a prostitute(IF this ever happen again after her complain), i'll be thinking: "Holy shit, this makes my girlfriend unhappy...". Automatically, this will stop making me happy and will make me feel unhappy. It's all about your principles and priorities. Of course, there will be people that won't give a fuck to it and won't stop banging prostitutes. As i said, it varies.

Do this kind of person girlfriend have the right to FORBID him? No! Do she have the right to tell him that it makes her feel uncomfortable? Yes! Do she have the right to kick that kind of asshole ass? She must definitely do it!

Makes sense to you? Have i made myself clearer?


One of the greatest differences between boys and men is the ability to analyze the situation and do what we MUST do, and not what we WANT to do. Sometimes, what we want IS what we must do, but unfortunately, not always.

You've done what you must do, and the boy chad is yelling inside you, guided by strong emotions, fighting against man chad. Don't listen to him. If you, MAN CHAD, is completely sure that this was the right thing to do, fuck it, this WAS the right thing for you!

Forget about the love and passion things and ask yourself the following questions: You trust(s|ed) her? She trust(s|ed) you? She respect(s|ed) you? You respect(s|ed) her? If you answered "NO" to any of those questions(And by you, i mean the man chad, not the boy), there was no reason to insist on this relationship. Maybe this can change, but to this, you both must follow separate ways and live, have your own experiences, and maybe, only maybe, if you feel yourself able to try again, do it!

P.S.: Sorry for any possible grammar mistake ;)


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