Hey dudes. I have lurked here for awhile and enjoyed reading through the discussions but now I need to reach out and get some advice from anyone willing to listen.
This is a woman-problem post, sorry. Met this woman 2 months ago after about 1.5years off, and casually dating but never allowing myself to get emotionally invested with anyone. Dates, sex, dinner, conversation and then typically when things on their end got past that I would let them know it's not what I was looking for.
This girl, is different. She's younger (24 to my 30) and just about to finish her undergrad. We have insane chemistry and immediately fell in love. The last 2 months have been a whirlwind of us spending lots of time together and being completely okay with that.
Last week, things changed. She started acting differently, reserved, pulling back and I could tell something was up. We talked, and she said that all of this was so unlike her and that it's started to catch up with her. Grades slipped a bit in December, never sleeping at her house, her friends made comments to her that we're always together and that's so unlike her. She said she wasn't sure that this serious relationship is what she wants as when we met she was perfectly content being alone.
We talked, and we said that we would try a reset, slowing things way down and giving each other way more space. I feel gutted. I can't wrap my head around intentionally trying to not talk to her, call her, or text her. I am still on holidays and we had a bunch of stuff planned and now we don't. I realize that I probably sound like a bitch here, however I let myself fall really hard for this girl and now my head is spinning because I feel like I have to avoid her.
I know that I should refocus on myself again like I had been for the last 1.5yrs since my previous big relationship and things will either sort themselves out or they won't but I don't want to give up on it since it meant so much to me, and her (she told me her feelings were real and she just woke up and was like what the hell is going on here I am in this super serious relationship).
I guess there is no question, just my story and was hoping that there would have been others who have been swept up and had it fall apart so suddenly and could offer up some words of wisdom.
I know for me that's just how long it takes before I feel the housekeeping is out of control, and I can tie that to how often I like to do the heavy cleaning and the grocery store sales cycle. That is, it takes 2 to 3 months to realize you've lost your routine and you're forming a new one. But there's probably something hormonal about it, too. People talk about infatuation lasting 3 years or something, but that way over-simplifies female endocrinology.
So you two are basically on a break right now? I'd say give it another week. Think it over.
You may discover that you enjoy the freedom. You might discover that you don't really need her all the time. Maybe you don't need her at all.
However, after thinking it over, if you're still crazy about her and need her back, then do as Mr. Kennedy said: "Go balls to the wall." Go all in. Put everything on the table. Tell her what you really feel and what you want out of your relationship with her. At this point, you've got nothing to lose.
Let us know what she says. Best of luck, Neil.
I don't know if it's a "break" but we said we would just relax on the intensity and see what happens when we slow things down and give each other our space back. We have plans to get together on Saturday. Against my better judgement, I initiated the plan making. Either way, I would be able to deal with this not working out, that's not ultimately what I am worried about. After telling a girl that I love her and meaning every ounce of it and her seemingly meaning every ounce of it back, I want to give this a fair chance. I would be most upset if when I see her on Saturday she goes back on what she said about trying this approach. Can't hold it against her, but I would be sad for sure that she wasn't willing to try.
It might be her grades. You said she's in her final semester and her grades slipped at Christmas (probably due to how much time she spent with you). University is stressful, especially when you get near the end, and very especially if your last round of exams were below what you expected. If you are not currently in university it might be harder for the two of you as well. She might feel that you are putting pressure on her to spend time with you or making her feel guilty about being away from you to study (regardless of your actions). My wife and I are pretty inseparable at times now but when we met four years ago, both in university, I wonder if it would have lasted if one of us was not in school at the time. There was many a night where our "date" consisted of nothing more than me walking her home from the library. Luckily I had books to read too and was equally busy so it wasn't an issue.
Maybe play it cool and let her get her head around her studies. If you push her too much now she might dump you (a 2 month relationship) to save her grades (3+ years of study).
Good point, Nick.
So here's an update. We didn't make it to Saturday. We talked on the phone last night and things ended. It was very amicable. I didn't beg or ask to try things in a different way/shape/form. Her points were all valid and stuff that we have been talking about here: her and i spent the past two months in a vacuum where all we did was spend time with one another, missed out on friends, interests, work, school, lost focus on ourselves and only lived to be with the other person. Not saying this are bad things, however there was no balance and I recognized it too. She was just the one who woke up first and realized that it couldn't continue. We both agreed that we have never met anyone like one another and that our connection is amazing. We also both agreed that this isn't the product of the two of us not working, it's just not the right timing for this relationship to happen. She has a few more months of school left to get done and needs to get her head straight and focus. I have a career that I need to make sure I don't fuck up. We both said that we would love to reconnect in a few months when she is done school and we've had a chance to evaluate what we really want. It sucks, real bad - but at the same time I can't do anything more than be me, and focus on things that will create a positive in my life. I really appreciate all of you taking the time to chime in. I think typing this out has helped me realize that I was perhaps being selfish to want things to continue when it's clear that we're not in the same mental headspace about everything. I hope someone else reads all this and it helps them if they have the same shit going on.
I'm sorry things didn't go how you hoped, but at least things were left open ended, to the point where there may be hope for the two of you down the line. Do your best to not hang it up during those months banking on her being there. Do your thing, brother. It's so true what is said about relationships: they seem to happen when you're not looking for one.
Thanks Dennis. I am worried that her leaving it open was just an act of kindness but nonetheless during the next few months things will be all about me doing things to become a better human and if things were meant to be then hopefully they'll materialize.
Have a drink of whiskey. Take a deep breath and step outside (brish your teeth after the drink), and see what the day brings.
I am worried that her leaving it open was just an act of kindness
Perhaps, but don't sell yourself short. You can love someone without being emotionally "needy", and it's better that you do. Her choice of priorities is her right but does not determine your worth as a person. Hold your head high: you don't need acts of charity, even if well-intended.
Hope this makes sense to you, because your own self-esteem will impact all of your relationships.
You're not the first person in the last couple of days to mention my sense of worth and making sure that I am keeping it in check. My friend mentioned to me that he thought it was interesting that I was so open to the possibility of her wanting me again but I was so closed minded about the possibility of finding something special in someone else.
I think I need to just let go for now and have confidence that if her and I were meant to be together, that in time, one of us will reach out and our connectedness will be just the way that it was. If not, then it will be clear that this was an amazing experience and I should be thankful that I was able to feel that with someone again.
Hey so, update: Her and I have exchanged a bunch of texts throughout the week so the lines of communication are open. These texts were not about us, or getting back together or anything to do with anything besides just life and a few other things here and there.
We are meeting tomorrow night at my apt, to exchange things that we have belonging to one another. My question is should I dig deeper and try to find out if the reasons she gave me for this breakup were actually legit? In my head, the more I have been thinking about them, they seem too easy and typical. It has been bothering me to find out how you can tell someone you love them and then the next week decide that things would be better off if we were separate. I was hoping that we would go for a drink or something and it would be a little easier to escape if something goes wrong with this line of questioning, but it doesn't ultimately matter.
I don't plan on bringing up the stuff we said about getting back together in the future when shes done school in a few months, etc. That would be way too desperate and needy. As Rob said, I am definitely feeling like this because of the loss of not having her and this relationship anymore, but I am also really missing the connection and the smile that I had all over my face for the past few months.
What do you guys think; ask her if she was being honest about those reasons, or just leave it and cut my losses at this point?