I so need your advice on relationships! Here’s my story, I will try to be concise as possible:
I’m 28. I had been married for 2 years until I met a new girl at work and fell for her. I tried to stay away from her, but then I quickly stopped trying. We had our issues with my wife, I told her about my feeling to this girl, then, after a couple weeks, I moved out and a month later we divorced.
I started dating this girl and we somehow ended up living together at my place. I think, after our first night, it took maybe a week or a week and a half to start living together. We didn’t plan it, you know, it happened naturally, though we agreed to not hasten things up and take it slowly.
This girl, it seems like we knew each other for a long time. Or sometimes (often times) it seems that we just grew together. We talk about parents, childhood, how we worked in the garden, our student years. We talk about video games, the one we played when we were teenagers. The funny thing is, no one knows these games among our friends now but we do and it’s somehow great.
I’m a writer so it’s important to me that the girl I date reads. She didn’t read at all when we met but now after I gave her a couple books she reads and truly enjoys it. I like to discuss the books with her, albeit very rarely.
We watch movies together, of course, but we can’t discuss them much. She just seems not the type to discuss such things with. And for me it’s important to speak about movies, games, music, books, it’s paramount.
But with this girl, I see that I can’t do this. I mentioned above how we feel connected and like we knew each other and maybe lived many moments of our lives similarly. And it matters, of course, the ability to talk about essential things like family and friends and humanity and work and childhood and life and all. But I feel that we just talk about nothing in particular. Once we told each other our lives and childhoods and relationships with parents, there’s nothing left. When we talk, we just talk about what happened today, and since she is my colleague and she sits just opposite of me, I know the major part of her day.
We started having some fights a few weeks ago. Nothing major, some small stuff. Just something she said or I said. Sometimes she can be rude and offensive – at least that’s for me because I’m not used to such language.
For example, she can easily say ‘Fuck off’ in response to my irony or a joke, not really a vile one, while she is very sarcastic herself and doesn’t lose a chance to joke about me. It really irritates at this point, her being always sarcastic about me, what I do and what and how I say. It was funny in the beginning, but after a while the fun had worn off. I told her about this behavior and how I feel about it, being always laughed at, and she was like “Oh well, that’s who I am, you should love me anyway, the whole of me” and “You don’t mean it really, you actually love it because it doesn’t let you become bored.” Sure, I’m not bored, I’m irritated and sometimes hurt and sometimes angry with such a behavior. By the way, she is 26, so she’s not that young to not understand that words do hurt.
When we’re angry with each other and had a quarrel, we can speak no word for a day. And you know, we can walk together from our home to the office, speaking no word or aren't looking at each other. It’s strange for a couple, right? But the strangest thing, I don’t feel uncomfortable with it. I see nothing I can say to her. No, I mean, I tried starting conversations, tried discussing a movie we just watched together, but it all leads to another conflict. So I stopped.
I started feeling uncomfortable with her after these quarrels. It’s like we are strangers, you know. We have nothing major to talk about. Just a small talk. Yes, after a few hours or a day we start talking to each other again and it seems everything is fine and we’re okay but I feel a strange craving to be alone.
Just alone, at my place, doing what I love, writing a book, or reading, with no one to distract me.
The thing is, she tells me she loves me, yes, she says ‘I love you,’ those important words. And being just divorced and thrown into new relationships, and not an easy one, so fast, I’m overwhelmed and can’t say it back. Sadly, I don’t feel the way I felt about her before when we just met and I fell for her and I was so crazy and ready to forget about everything and lose everything just to be with her. I just don’t feel that passion anymore. And I feel like I can’t give her back the feelings she gives me. Well, if she really loves me and those aren’t just words.
She is caring, she is gentle with her touch albeit oftentimes tough with her tongue. So the good points in this story are: the sex is amazing, just the best in my life, really; we can talk a lot about parents, childhood, some life’s moments and video games; we can ride bicycles together and we’re thinking about traveling together; she seems eager to embrace the books and I give her the books and she loves them, though we can’t discuss them much for some reason. Weжку also on the same page about healthy eating and fitness, that’s great.
But you know, when I’m thinking about just how serious this relationship is and what it holds for us in future, I don’t know. I can’t really imagine I will be living the rest of my life with this girl next to me. I’d love to fall for her like it was before, look at her with those rose-colored glasses and don’t hear the rudeness in her words, but I just can’t anymore. I’m constantly, maniacally thinking about moving out and coming back to my place. I don’t know about whether I should end the relationship, but I think I really need and want to move out and live alone, at least for some time.
You know, I’ve always been a guy who blames himself for everything and let the partner hurt him, with words or behavior. I could be very patient and tell myself, “Okay, it’s nothing really, we will be able to work it out, don’t rush things, just be patient, everything will be fine.” And so, times go by and you see that the relationship is the same, the same issues recur. I spent years in my previous relationships, 3 years with one girl, 2 years with my wife though we had major issues. So the problem with me, I can sweep my hurt under the rug, forget about the problem and carry on, yes. But I just don’t want this kind of love-hurt relationships to be present in my life anymore. I don’t want to waste my time on such relationships. I decided that I’d better be alone than in the relationships where my partner laughs at me or blames me and wants to rebuild me in their own image.
There’s no blame or trying to rebuild me in this relationships, but there’s this disconnects-ness in the interests and the way one handles words. For me, words are important you can’t just throw around vile sarcasm and ‘Fuck off!’ and then expect things to be okay and your partner being fine with such behavior. For my girlfriend, the words are not so important, obviously, and she says “Love me the way I am.” I don’t want to rebuild her, too, but I’m not cool with this behavior, I told her time and again to not speak to me with that kind of attitude.
I need your advice here, guys. Perhaps you had a similar experience. Perhaps you felt the same way for some girl. Perhaps you wished to have your calm and free space back again. Let me know you opinions about what I described above and what you can recommend me. Should I work harder on the relationships and let the hurt and rudeness in words go and close my eyes to it? Should I stay at her place and try to work it out? Or it’s better I move out and get my place while continuing the relationship?