Hey everyone, I don't post very often, but I'm in a relationship situation that I've never really dealt with before, and I'd like to ask your thoughts on it. All advice appreciated, it's lengthy, but you'll have my utmost thanks if you can help me out.
I was dating this girl at the beginning of 2013. Everything in the relationship was going well, with real connection going on, I felt like this was a relationship that would go somewhere. In April, however, she broke up with me. There were a lot of things going on in her life, with the loss of a family member, and she was really just unsure of what she wanted for the future. She told me she couldn't be in a relationship, but could only offer friendship.
I don't really believe that people can be just "friends" after a relationship, I think it's an organic thing that can't be forced. However, I told myself that I would try, even though I knew I still wanted to be more than friends. So for the next few months, we hung out a few times, e.g. got coffee, went to a music festival, comedy show, etc. Even though we did activities together, we never really spent quality time together after the breakup.
So during our last meeting, she mentioned that we should actually "hang out" sometime. I realized then that I was deluding myself and that I definitely still had feelings for her. A few days after the meeting, I decided to wish her a happy birthday, and then sever contact with her on all mediums, i.e. facebook and phone. I didn't want to be a friend, I wanted to be more.
Two months pass with no contact, and I was preparing to move on, when out of the blue she sends me a text, saying how she was really sorry that she had been a bad friend, and that she hoped she could prove herself better in the future. I responded by coming clean with her. I sent an email telling her how I essentially lied about being friends, and that the only reason I had done these things with her were because I had wanted to be more (since I still had feelings), and that I wasn't properly over her.
I contacted her a few nights later, reiterating that I had no ill will towards her, and that the email was something I needed to be honest about. We talked for a bit, and I found out that the reason she ended it was because she thought she wasn't good enough, and that she was unsure of how I felt towards her. Well, I crumbled and I told her exactly how I felt, and that I should have been more open before, something I absolutely regretted not doing, and asked her if she'd ever like to try again between us. She said that her life was still hectic, but after things settled down with her life and mine, maybe we could try again, if I still wanted to.
So here's my question, guys. I like this girl, I really do, and while I could just go on to someone else, I truly feel this is someone who's worth another shot, unlike in the past. However, I'm not going to wait around forever, I respect myself too much for that. What should I do? Should I wait for her to contact me? Should I check again in a few months? Or just move on?
"We loved with a love that was more than love" - Edgar Allan Poe
If you are a Christian, then pray first. It usually helps. But my suggestion is wait a while, then talk to her. If she still says no, then move on.
Hmmm, thinking with your dick. What could go wrong?
Move on. Things will always be hectic. Either she wants you now or she doesn't want you at all. She has other prospects and has already been with other guys, they just haven't worked out yet.
Pretty much what I would tell you. All of life is hectic so that is no excuse or reason not to be in a relationship; it is the hectic, frenetic, messy parts of life that draw couples together, not the easy everyday common parts.
Let it be. That is, go on with your life and don't be afraid to date other girls if you meet one you like. But if neither you nor she is involved with anyone and the chance comes up in a couple of months, give it a shot. But I don't think I'd pursue her aggressively. Friend her on Facebook, ask her to go with you to a movie if you need a partner, etc. But don't try to date her and don't expect that you'll get to date her. If you can't be "just friends", then for your own sake you should move on and not even do friend things with her.
Agree, you do have to move on. She obviously isn't "the one."
Give her an ultimatum. Tell her you obviously think she is worth evidenced by your sticking around. Life is always hectic and never slows down. Either she is in or you have to move on. Nobody is getting any younger.
You dated someone for four months and you weren't her friend? This is a problem. Marriage, which is the epitome of a long term relationship, is all about friendship.
It seems like today we encourage people to rush after sex without bothering to discover if they like the person they desire. No wonder most relationships fail. The goal of sex is ALWAYS short term. If you want to play the long game, if you want to be happy for years and decades to come, you will need to make better choices.
Did you read my first part? If sex was my only goal, this would have been over and done with already. There's also a difference between friendship in a relationship sense and friendship in a platonic sense, especially if you want to connect on a deeper level. Please don't make judgements in passing, it's rude.
Sorry if I offended you, but I never said sex was your goal. If you wish to be offended, I suggest you do so at the part where I implied that you had sex with her before you decided if you wanted to marry her.
What I want to say is that the process of waiting and deciding is the catalyst that changes a person one the psychic, emotional, and intellectual levels in ways that work to resolve the issues you are currently having.
You may disagree with me, but my purpose in writing was to be helpful.
Thank you guys for all the advice. I'm going to take this all into account and make a decision from there. I don't want to wait forever on a "maybe". Thanks again!
Personally, someone who breaks up with me because of her hectic life, whose life is still hectic nearly a year later, is someone who may never be ready for that kind of committed relationship. The hectic nature of commitment, and by extension, marriage and family, far outweighs the hectic nature of "everyday life".