Hello, I'm new here and this is my first post. I need some guidance right now as I'm in a bad place. I have a 14 year old son. On Friday of last week he walked in on my "private time" with myself. Since then we've gone from buddies to acquaintances and I don't know what to do. He won't look me in the eye, barely speaks to me with the exception of 1 word answers or quick communication, keeps to his room, etc.
I did not mean for that to happen. I had forgotten he was off from school and took to my business when I woke up only to have him open his door and come to my room with a "hey Dad guess what;" I think we both were mortified. I apologized and he said OK. Now I have this situation.
I should have double checked the house, I should have had my door closed, it should have been locked, etc. It is ultimately my fault. He's at a tough age. We never had the official "sex talk," but I've told him to be safe now that's he's older and may make adult decisions. I failed with that and admit it.
So where do I go from here as a single father? Do I force a sit down conversation and clear the air? Do I continue to let this go until he's over it? Clearly he must know that a man has needs by now and I'm confused at why this was a big deal. Uncomfortable and I wish it never happened? Yes. But on some level, it's also natural.
That was bad timing on both your parts! Look, I don't know what type of relationship you have with your son or how you run your household, but I can tell you that you need to straighten this out. Use this experience as an excuse to have 'the talk'. By 14, most boys are developmentally and intellectually mature enough to handle the details. I've gone through this stage of Fatherhood with 2 sons and have found that they appreciated getting the information from someone they could trust.
If you're unsure how to begin try putting sex in the correct context. First of all, it's an incredibly powerful evolutionary force, like breathing, eating and sleeping, but it is one that we can choose to control. Secondly, it is a complex social dance designed to reinforce relationships... you get the picture. Good luck!
On this one, you got me. Not because the situation is unimagineable, but I just don't understand *him*. I understand him being embarrassed, or confused. But angry? I'm not getting it.
wait... Dad's masturbate?
OH MY GOD!
I honestly think you just have to sit down with him and talk it out... You are acting like you have done something wrong. Nothing wrong with masturbating.
It is unfortunate that he walked in on you... and that is the last thing a kid wants to see. But it happened. Sit down... talk... say you are sorry he saw what he saw, but it is a thing men do. You have to get over it.
Keep in mind... I don't have a kid so I may be talking out of my ass.
I do agree with Will that ti is weird if he is angry. embarassed and awkward I can understand... hopefully those feelings will fade.
I honestly think that this would be a great discussion for the Testosterone group.
Thanks guys. I know what I need to do. I think I just needed that kick in the ass and reassurance that it's the right thing. I don't think he's "mad," I think it's just embarrassment at this point. I think it'll go well, he's always been a good kid. I just have to do it the right way.
So, I'm thinking Sunday night as we're always both home. This won't be easy..I'm already mulling over it in my head.
You will know what to do as many have already encouraged you. From my experience with three children (2 boys and a girl), they always seemed to appreciate my forthrightness on issues regarding sex. The talks were always "matter of fact" and honest as well as brief so as not to overwhelm. Also, know that a one time talk may not be enough, but at 14, your son probably knows a lot already but don't assume that. He'll be uncomfortable, for sure, but I can bet he will be glad that you are taking the lead.
My children even to this day are impressed that my wife and I have a very active sex life at age 67, since they still come to us without embarrassment regarding sexual questions n their own marriages. I'm amazed at that!!
wait...sex after 60?
OH MY GOD!
I'm delighted to see men have active sex lives in their 60s and beyond. Good on ya!
I'm aware that this thread has been about advice to Eric regarding the situation regarding his son and him, but your comment about an active sex life within the age of 60 and beyond got me to thinking. I'm surprised that this is a surprise to anyone. The topic "Sex After 60" could be one for the Testosterone group.
Thanks for your comment, Davis. Now that I've been admitted to the T Group, I like your idea.
There is sex after 60? Thank God. Screw retirement. Davis, you just gave me the best thing to look forward to:)
Bad timing and shocking for both of you. The truth is he's thinking about jacking off all the time. HE is a 14 year old boy. He just can't believe that dad might want to do the same thing. So you can plan some time together with him, and have a more mature discussion about sex, and why you do that, and that its okay if he does that as well. IT wont be easy. You can ask him how it made him feel> And you can tell him how uncomfortable it made you, but that ultimately he should feel free to share and discuss anything with you.And yes, normally we do it privately, and it was not his fault that he saw that. Do not let it fester.
This was a great question to bring to us. Thanks for your courage.
Great advice, Stein.