Need Advice: Becoming a Man in a Relationship

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Permalink Reply by Ethan G. on July 3, 2009 at 6:47pm

Face it head on and talk with your girlfriend. For her part, she should be willing to meet you half-way in any serious discussion about your relationship. If she doesn't, she's got a little "manning up" (womaning up?) to do, too.

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Permalink Reply by Will on July 3, 2009 at 11:18pm

I dealt with my big issues *before* I got into the relationship -- and, in fact, I couldn't have done it the other way round. But that's me.

Strongly suggest: Letters to Philip, on being a man in a marriage (most will apply to girlfriend stuff too).

Being the Strong Man Women Want, also a great book.

Some of the principles I use:
* "Us" first, then her, then me.
* I take charge. (That doesn't turn me into a selfish bastard, because of the first principle.) What am I in charge of? Me, for one thing. If it's her area, she decides; if it's our area, I lead the process, putting her first, with consultation. The point here is to be decisive (which is attractive) and to avoid the wimpy thing of making her do all the work.
* I want her to know me. I may not say every thing I'm thinking, but I only put it off if a) I can't think of the right way to say it, or b) it's someone else's secret not mine, or c) it's a surprise for her. Nothing's hidden long term, especially how I feel.

But none of those directly relate to your issue, which is conflict avoidance. I always address it because it will eat at me until I do.

Maybe you need to address the whole conflict-avoidance thing with bros; I suspect your LTR isn't the only place it shows up in life! Then you can get better at it, and give her the gift of the result.

What scares you about the conflict? If you know that, you might know better how to face the conflict.

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Permalink Reply by Sean Klein on July 6, 2009 at 11:48am

The book "Hold onto your NUTs," advertised and promoted here, is also a great resource. I think there are sections of it that directly address some of your concerns.

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Permalink Reply by Adam Blevins on July 6, 2009 at 4:10pm

I don't think anyone likes dealing with confrontation, especially women (can I say that here?), hence the reason they make us crazy by not just tackling problems like we tend to do.

My experience is that running from problems, avoiding them or letting them fester only makes them worse. Also, sometimes what you may see as a potentially volatile situation may not even be on someone else radar.

Example: Everyday a co-worker parks in your spot. Is he messing with you, lazy or just a douchebag? You could let it go and let it eat at you for being a coward, or you could approach the guy politely and casually and point out the issue. You may find that the guy has no idea spots are marked, he has a bum knee or that he is always late and hoped nobody would notice.

Bottom line, just because you see it as a conflict doesn't mean it will be. The fact that someone calls him on it may be enough to let him know that people are paying attention and he needs to address his own issue. If it continues, escalate it to HR and be done with it. No need for a brawl or screaming match in the parking lot at work. Always a bad idea.

If that doesn't work, then go with what I suspect most other guys use...the self ego questioning that causes you to put on the big boy pants and fix your own wagon.

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Permalink Reply by Dave Kerwin on July 21, 2009 at 4:25pm

My best advise is this: don't try to become a man by hanging out with her more often. She is not a source of masculinity. You need other men in your life, LOTS of men in your life, the kind that are living the way you hope to in the future.

Go to these men with your conflicts and get their council, ask them how a man should act in various scenarios as you approach them. You need a band of brothers.

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Permalink Reply by Peter O'Reilly on July 27, 2009 at 8:36am

1. Have your own life outside of the relationship.

2. Take charge. Don't ever have the back and forth conversation of "I dont know, what do you want to do tonight?". Come up with a plan and follow through with it.

3. NEVER tolerate second class behaviour. Rudeness, bitchiness, whining and complaining can never happen around you. I would sooner leave a relationship or even a marriage before tolerating that kind of behaviour on a regular basis.

4. Hold on to your power. You're the man. Hold on the the reigns of this relationship. Don't give her all the power.

5. Never apologise unless its warranted. If you mess up, apologise. Don't feel guilty if you've done nothing wrong. If you're trying to avoid a fight or calm her down or anything like that, see rule #3.

6. Don't ever let her use sex as aweapon or bargaining tool. If it happens even once, be ready to get out of that relationship. Sex is something that you are entitled to in a relationship. Its one thing if shes sick or really tired, but there shouldnt be any punishment or reward system involving sex.

7. Be consistent. I think you're having a lot of problems as a result of being inconsistent. Its good you're manning up, but too much too soon will shock her.

Finally, as a suggested read I recommend The Way Of The Superior Man by David Deida. Its a great read and tackles core issues that are at the root of masculinity.

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Permalink Reply by Andrew Barbour on July 28, 2009 at 3:19am

During an argument, if you're right, you're right. Be man enough to let knowing you're right be enough for you.

Too often couples forget that there's an issue to be resolved at the core of an argument, and simply start trying to assert dominance over each other, using the issue as a catalyst. It's doubtful you'll convince her. Enjoy the fact that you're actually right, and unless it's a serious issue (most things are not), just let it slide.

I will have to respectfully disagree with several of my colleagues in this discussion...I don't think you should "take charge" or otherwise be the leader/dominant force in the relationship. There are different roles for men and women in a relationship to be sure, but let's not think that means that you should be "in control" (nor should she). It's a partnership.

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Permalink Reply by John Schaefer on August 2, 2009 at 2:48pm

You've taken the first big step, admitting your shortcomings is a move in the right direction. Sounds to me like you lack confidence. Why not take up martial arts? Physical training has a proven track record for making a man more "manly" over the last few thousand years. You will build your body, learn self dicipline, and be more confident in your ability to be bold. It worked for me. Hanging out with men is important, go to your local VFW or other such organization and just talk with the men there, you may surprize yourself. The truth of the world is that it takes a man to make a boy into a man, a woman cannot do it. A truly slick way to be like the men you admire is to hang out with the men you admire, surround yourself with winners and you will be one yourself.

Being a "man" in a relationship boils down to responsibility. Responsibility is often doing something you really don't want to do, but have to. Any relationship is doomed if its viewed as a "give and take". That is to say that if you want X she has to give Y. That is fundamentaly wrong. A relationship, as is love, is a decision, not a feeling. Everything has to be shared, nothing is owned by one or the other. It's all or nothing.

In the end it will be you and you alone that must fix yourself.

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