Evening gentlemen! 

I'm a 33 year old guy who has always had a very high sex drive. I mean VERY high sex drive. Met the girl of my dreams a year ago and moved in with her and the last few months... poof, it's gone.

All of a sudden I would rather watch tv than have sex. Or do ANYTHING else but have sex. I even made some bs excuse earlier today about having an upset stomach when she was trying to pull me into the bedroom. 

The thing is my girlfriend is absolutely smoking hot. I'm completely in love with her and am thinking about asking her to marry me. She's really awesome

I don't know what happened but all of a sudden I just have no desire to climb into bed with her. I feel like one of those women that guys write books about. I feel all awkward and even a little angry when she asks to have sex. Most nights I usually cave in and go through with it but it's not good sex because I feel like I'm on autopilot.

I don't even know how to sit her down and talk with her about it. How do you tell the woman of your dreams you don't want to have sex and don't have a reason to explain it? How do you recover a relationship after that talk?!

I really need some advice before this relationship implodes!

Thanks Gents

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Diesel said:

I feel all awkward and even a little angry when she asks to have sex.

Basically, you need to analyze what's happening with the sex that's making you feel "awkward and a little angry." For example: Is it you? Is it her and the relationship in general? Is it the sex in particular?

To check whether it's you: Do you still get turned on by porn? If your girlfriend weren't in the picture, would you still find random women on the street as stimulating as before? If the problem is specifically on your side and your libido took a dive for reasons unrelated to your girlfriend, then it could be a medical/psychological thing: You probably need to speak to a professional and get some vitamins or therapy/counseling or whatever.

To check whether it's her and the relationship in general: You've been living with her for a few months. People usually live together for a while in order to put the relationship to the test. And maybe your relationship is failing the test. Maybe she's clingy and isn't giving you air. Maybe it's the thought of marriage and you're getting cold feet. So maybe you need to shake it up. Maybe you two need to see a couples counselor. Maybe you need to take a break and start from scratch.

To check whether it's the sex in particular: There are lots of different sexual "dynamics" that can kill the desire for sex over the long-term with even the hottest girlfriend and best companion.

Here's an example of one type of sexual "dynamic" that can make sex unwelcome:

The gal is selfish in the bedroom. A lot of women want sex, but they don't take any responsibility for their own orgasm. That is, they put the responsibility on the man to provide their orgasm, start to finish. They start out dead cold, and they expect the boyfriend to give them a lot of foreplay just to get their motor running, followed by a long-lasting effort to bring them over the top. 

Putting that kind of big expectation on the man is fine during the initial seduction phase. A lot of guys welcome the challenge: They welcome the opportunity to show they can do it all for the gal and bring it on home for her. But if the girlfriend continues to demand the same attention week after week, year after year, it becomes a drag. Especially if a guy has a job all day. If the gal requires a big effort from the guy in the bedroom every single time, it can become a grind after a while.

Another example of a different sexual "dynamic":

The gal prefers everything in a predictable routine. The sex is okay, but it has to be according to *her* schedule, on the days *she* wants it, in the way that *she* likes it. If it's always same-old-same-old, it can become a turn-off for a guy who needs a little spontaneity.

Another example:

The gal sabotages the sex. Sex for her is a dominance thing, and she has to be in control. So she's always undercutting any initiative by the guy, running hot and cold, bringing a lot of drama and argumentation into the bedroom, anything for control.

And so on.

These are just examples. Obviously, I don't know you and your girlfriend, so I'm not saying that you have this problem or that problem. I'm just saying that there are lots of ways you and your girlfriend can be out of synch in the bedroom or in the relationship, leading to a lot of frustration on your part.

Anyway, the answer is usually the following: Sit down and talk about it. Be honest about what problems you're encountering with her in the bedroom or relationship, and do some negotiating and horse-trading in order to get closer to something that will be less work or frustration for you.

If you don't feel like you can work it out one-on-one, then talk to a therapist about it, together or separately. Or look up some books about it that will help you figure out what the problem is and offer some possible solutions.

I don't even know how to sit her down and talk with her about it. How do you tell the woman of your dreams you don't want to have sex and don't have a reason to explain it? How do you recover a relationship after that talk?!

In a liberated, equal world, there shouldn't be any problem with talking about this stuff. Women are told to stand up and demand what they want from men. Likewise, men should be able to raise these issues with a woman. Don't look at it in terms of hotness and high/low libido. Look at it in terms of "We're out of synch, and we need to do some negotiating and horse-trading in order to find some middle ground."

I actually had something similar happen to me a few months ago. It started as ringworm but my redneck medicine made it a systemic issue but I bleached away the signs and therefore couldn't tell how serious the problem was till I couldn't stay "motivated" or "alert" in the bed room. I'll give you the whole story if you'd like. My point is could you be sick, especially with something you are not aware of? Workouts been more difficult than normal recently?
I've heard porn use can mess with some dudes that way. They can go solo all day but once their actual partner comes into play something just isn't working right.

Another suggestion: 

Maybe you're under a lot of pressure at work, and you're bringing the stress and anxiety home with you. That can make it tough to concentrate or perform in the bedroom. If that's the case, maybe your girlfriend could help by coming on a little slower before sex, maybe giving you a long back-rub to relax you, etc.

Good call. Living together is different from dating. No escape when living together. Maybe he feels hemmed in.

Putting out the flames.  Carry on.

Get your testosterone level checked. Having your nature change on a dime like that isn't normal. Sounds like something's gone sideways.

Any other problems? Lack of energy? Lack of drive (for other stuff)? ED?


Because his drive flatlined too fast, and it goes against the way he has been up until now.  Even if men decide we don't want to have sex with a particular woman, the drive to do so is typically still there.  It's just resisted or ignored.

He wants to want to have sex with this chick ... but his drive to do so is gone.  He says he's attracted to her.  He's supposed to be driven to have sex with chicks he's attracted to.  He's not.  That sounds medical.


Doesn't sound medical to me. Sounds like something has changed in the relationship. She's too demanding or you're subconsciously mad at her about something and it's affecting you from within. But if you "usually cave in an go through with it" it doesn't sound like ED (something I can speak to personally) is an issue.

The comments so far are about you. But you never said or intimated she is completely in love with you. She wants sex. Maybe you either are feeling used or you are afraid she's not as in love with you as you are with her and it's affecting your relationship.

Evening Gentlemen!

Thank you for all of your insights and advice. First off, I have booked a doctor appointment to get my levels checked. Go figure it will be almost 3 weeks before I can get into the doctor.

To answer some of the questions. I have experienced a huge drop in energy, desire to work out, and I'm just tired. I hadn't really put it together because I went from living in a shitty apartment, where I did anything to get out of that place... to a really nice house, where it's a pleasure to stay home.

There's been no change in my relationship. I am very attracted to my girlfriend, mentally, physically, even spiritually. She swears up and down she loves me. We never fight, the occasional argument but it's the usual "empty the dishwasher" stuff. She's really easy to live with and I'm shocked as how easy it is to live with her. Sure there's some transition stuff from living alone but it's 98% easy... 2% change the empty Toilet Paper roll!

No ED, but I have seen a general decrease. Less desire to watch porn or take care of things myself (figured it was cause I had a woman right there)

I can't figure it out. But she is definitely starting to notice and it's one of those "I'm stressing about it now and I know I need to relax but now I'm nervous and so now I can't stop thinking about it which makes it worse and...repeat"

Thank you gentlemen for everything!

Best of luck, Diesel. We're rooting for you, man.

Still sounds like a testosterone deficiency, to me.  Low energy.  Fatigue.  Low sex drive.  Low general drive.  It's normal for your sex drive to wane a bit as you get older ... but having it flatline quickly is not normal.

There are things you can do to naturally rebound your testosterone level ... but, I wouldn't do it until I got tested.  Don't want to artificially mask the diagnosis




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