Replies to This Discussion

Permalink Reply by Buffalo Bill on July 1, 2012 at 5:11pm

I'd just cut down on the awkward texting, at least until after a few more dates.  Just tell the lady you don't really text much.  Have her call you instead.  It won't hurt anything to reserve communication for face-to-face interaction when you're just beginning to know a person.  Plus, it makes the other person more interesting due to the lack of constant communication.  

I ran into the same problem quite a bit before I met my long-time girlfriend.  The girl and I would meet, get along, and then talk constantly via text.  The next date came around, and there was really nothing to talk about.  We figured out we weren't all that compatible or she would get bored with me, and then she'd just stop picking up the phone or answering texts.  It took me a while to figure out that a person who just stops communicating with you instead of simply saying they're not interested is not a person you want around.

Best of luck.

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Permalink Reply by Jack Bauer on July 1, 2012 at 7:49pm

At least you're getting the number and the date.

Stop getting angry when it doesn't work out.  Just move on.  Dating is trial-and-error until you find the right broad.  No use getting angry at the errors.

And, lose the texting.  You don't know these chicks well enough to communicate by text yet.

JB

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Permalink Reply by FICO on July 2, 2012 at 7:18am

you know what? next time on the first date, tell her: this is my problem etc.... can we manage to get by it?

or something like that

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Permalink Reply by Sloan on July 2, 2012 at 7:49am

My friend,  that is dating. 

Minimize the texting, pick up the phone and call her for a second date.  Keep that a simple affair. 

Things usually don't get comfortable till after 3 or 4 dates. 

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Permalink Reply by Jesse Frigo on October 6, 2012 at 10:27pm

Stop texting. You miss too much of communication that way- something like 80% of communication is non-verbal- posture, gestures, eye contact, etc.

Texting is great for sending short messages. It is not a replacement for a conversation.

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Permalink Reply by David F. on October 8, 2012 at 7:52am

Then date her in a different pattern. Enjoy the date. Schedule the next, date etc.

When she texts, tell her you can't wait to hear her voice and texting is not a good enough replacement and ask her to call instead.

The written word can be misinterpreted,  less so with the spoken word.  So take texting out of the equation, and tell her.

Problem solved.  Rather then constant communication, go old school and enjoy only the time you have with her, be it in person or by conversation, not by instant telegram.

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Permalink Reply by Rebekah on October 8, 2012 at 11:42am

You should see a gynecologist for that. Could be ovarian cancer. [sorry]

The women's magazines are split between "He actually called! What a gentleman!" and [for under-30s] "Phone calls are such an annoyance. Why doesn't he text like everyone else?" [direct paraphrase from a recent issue of Marie Claire] I don't cite the women's magazines as normative authorities, but as possibly descriptive. You can't go very wrong with doing what everyone else does.

How/why does the texting get awkward. "I had a really good time last night." "Me too." "[follow-up on something she mentioned, like] I hope your work presentation went well. I'm sure you nailed it." "Thanks." "I'd like to see you again soon." "Me too." "Should we arrange this here, or will you call me?"

Your problem, I think, is you do too many follow-up texts, instead of just scheduling the second date. IMO, you schedule the second date, say "See you then," and you don't need to communicate again until you perhaps send and "I'm on my way" text.

But, I don't have a texting plan. I also hate the phone. I still schedule dates with my fiance by e-mail.

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Permalink Reply by Cameron G. on October 8, 2012 at 12:56pm

Desperation is a stinky cologne--make your life about something other than women.  The guys who get called back are the ones who wouldn't care much if they didn't.

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Permalink Reply by Philosopher King on October 8, 2012 at 3:10pm

Hey O'Neil - fortunately for you, you're not the first guy to ever have this issue, and there's a solution (but it's not easy.)

 

A few things:

1. You need to find something you enjoy / focus on other than women.  If you put them on a pedistal and make them the center of your focus, it scares them.  I mean, it speaks psycho / attachment, which is the opposite of a good thing.
2. Texting is not the issue.  I know a lot of men on this forum are saying text vs. no text, but texting is fine, stick with it.  It gives you time to contemplate a fun/witty/casual answer rather than being put on the spot.
   1. It's about WHAT you're texting - you said awkward texting, why is it awkward? You should keep it short, simple, and fun.  Always.
   2. It's about WHEN you're texting - never text back right away unless it's obvious you're at your phone.  And when you text her, put down your phone and walk away, go to the gym, watch a movie.  DO NOT sit and stare at your phone for her to write back.  Give her the impression that you're a busy guy - gym, friends, work, whatever, you've got a lot going on, and she'll have to fight for a spot on your schedule.
3. If they're getting shady, then it means that you're doing something wrong.  If more than one is acting this way, then you need to observe your own behavior.  Maybe you're coming on too strong?  Being too attached, or being too serious too soon.  #1 rule of dating - keep it fun, always.  Be a fun guy, have a sense of humor.  And don't be afraid to walk away.
   1. Sometimes they get shady as a "test".  Don't let it bother you.  Call her out on being "shady" but be fun with it.
   2. Example "Well if can't make it this time, then you're buying drinks next time"
   3. Apply the "Brad Pitt" test - would she re-arrange her plans for you if you were Brad Pitt? If she's not rearranging her plans, then she's not that into you - exceptions are if it's a really important / planned event (sister's wedding).  Not "I told my friend I would stay in and watch a movie with her."
   4. Don't be afraid to walk away - have confidence in yourself.  There are a million women out there, you'll find the right one eventually.  Don't cling to every girl who goes on a date with you.  A man's confidence in himself increases their ATTRACTION to you (another topic.)
4. The "I get angry" part of it really bothers me.  You shouldn't be getting mad.  If anything, it only validates the girl's suspicion that you're insecure, and needy.  Insecurity and neediness are the two fastest ways to make women run.
5. You sound like a "nice guy".  You probably do everything right, treat women well, give them what they want, and can't understand why they don't call you back.  I would recommend you read "No More Mr. Nice Guy" by Robert Glover.  That's a start. 

 

That's the theoretical stuff.  The practical advice is - join a gym, get some friends, find a fun hobby, and enjoy your life being you.  You'll never make a girl happy until you are happy yourself.  Besides - if women are making you this unhappy right now, why waste time on them??  Do something good for yourself, and the rest will fall naturally (along with the notes mentioned above.)

 

Feel free to send me a message off-line for a more "personalized" action plan for you, or tips as you start your next relationship.

 

-PK

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Permalink Reply by Philosopher King on October 8, 2012 at 3:21pm

PS - I took up sailing.  Not only a manly endeavor that I now really enjoy anyways, but when I did meet women, it made for a great "fun" date that most guys couldn't do and sets you apart from the crowd.  Not sure if that's an option for you geographically.

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Permalink Reply by Alan Johnson on October 8, 2012 at 9:04pm

Man, there has been some really good advice given here.

I hope you give it due consideration...

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Permalink Reply by Michael D. Denny on October 9, 2012 at 6:40pm

Stop texting. It's childish and sophomoric.

Call her.

And have a reason for calling. 

 Like, asking for the second date, for example. 

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