"I know you didn't forbid her to do anything. I know this because you can't do it period. At the end of the day people have the right to make their own decisions. For me, I've been both the friend and the boyfriend of the girl with the…"
My First Real Choice - 23 yrs old
The last time I asked the AOM community for help was roughly 2-3 years ago when I was a flighty college student trying to ground myself in preparation for the 'real world'.
Fast-forward to now:
I got a job immediately out of college (May 2010) and worked there for two years maintaining a great reputation in regard to friendliness, out-of-the-box thinking and a genuine work ethic. I dropped a number of bad habits and really grew into my adult identity.
Recently, I had a falling out with someone whom I have known and loved since I was a teenager. My life's goal was to provide for her and have help her pay for school as she does not have the same external support structure that I have. I wanted to marry her and the whole nine yards. Having that future fall apart made me do something I never thought I'd do as someone obsessed with making safe choices. I recently left my first position to look for new opportunities in NYC.
Back story:
When I was 16 I took a trip to Western NY during the summer to visit a friends extended family as sort of a tag-along thing. It was great and one of the last nights I met a girl who was fourteen at a dance who was really cute and nice. We exchanged screen names and the rest is history...
Currently, she lives 7-8 hours away (and always has). I have had a rocky long distance relationship for roughly 6 years. We have only seen each other in the flesh about nine or ten times. In January, I said I could not see myself moving to her home city (Buffalo, NY) because there "aren't any jobs there". In retrospect I know that that was a foolish thing to say even though it is inarguable that Buffalo cannot hold a flame to the opportunity in NYC.
After requesting that she not contact me and not talking to her for 3 months. I am just starting a new job as a Sales person (a move up from my former assistant's title) and am in a rigorous training process so that I can start selling ASAP. Throughout the three months during my decision-making process, transition to a new location and acceptance to a position I thought about this girl. Multiple times daily she crossed my mind and felt incomplete knowing that she was pursuing a life without me. She began dating someone else.
I received a call roughly a month ago from her (let's call her Nancy). Nancy explained that she missed talking to me like we used to always do. She said she thought she could move on but her feelings always gravitated her back to me. Our conversations kept revolving around this subject and a few times things became heated and either one of us would get upset. After receiving a call on Friday evening that she wanted to see me I rushed to the call to action and was there in less than 10 hours.
To make a long story short I love this girl and want to make it work but know that if we want to give it a shot we need to live in the same area. She is a small town girl and does not want to move to NYC which I dislike but simultaneously understand. NYC is great place to visit but a hard place to live unless you are geared close quarter living. She has made arrangements to start school in Buffalo and if someone is going to step up to the plate it has to be me.
This is one of the first situations I've been in where I really feel like a man who is lucid and actively involved in the shaping of his own life but I want to balance my strong feelings against my logical/pragmatic nature. Love doesn't put food on the table and hungry people have a hard time loving each other. Has anyone been in a similar situation?
I'm open to any and all advice as I make this decision.
(tl;dr - Should I leave my new job after recently settling down to pursue a rekindled relationship with a girl whom I've known and loved for years? We're in it to win it if someone will take the leap.)
Thanks to the community. You guys really helped me out last time
EDIT: Just to guide the conversation, Nancy has (since January) worked out a work / study arrangement where I would not have to contribute to her school bills.
Replies to This Discussion
-
Permalink Reply by Will on -
I don't know. I don't know how to know. I'll ramble a bit.
You had a falling out. If you had one, you'll likely have another. What will you do then?
You've only seen her about 10 times in the flesh. Any way you can increase that number w/o making major changes? She's 8 hours away. Spend a few weekends in Buffalo, or at a halfway point sometimes?
This all seems to be based on feelings, hers and yours. In a way this makes sense; it's a love affair. But feelings come and go. Is your head telling you that this won't work? I think your head and your heart must be in agreement to embark on marriage. Your statement "hungry people have a hard time loving each other" makes me think you aren't sure about the endurance of those feelings either.
So it seems you're leaning to "no."
What's the most important thing in your life? Will she go well with that mission, or will the marriage fight the mission?
Good luck deciding what to do.
-
Permalink Reply by JonEdanger on -
(tl;dr - Should I leave my new job after recently settling down to pursue a rekindled relationship with a girl whom I've known and loved for years? We're in it to win it if someone will take the leap.)
Awesome. Putting that synopsis in was perfectly brilliant. Well Done!
-
Permalink Reply by LShieldes on
-
So you want to pay for school for a girl that you aren't even engaged to?
Also sounds like you HAVE to do a lot of compromising for her inability to compromise.
-
Permalink Reply by Rick Shelton on -
Love doesn't put food on the table but love makes life worth living. I know there is a smallish town with a number of companies near Buffalo, it's called Rochester. There is also Erie, PA and Pittsburgh, Erie being 90 minutes away and Pittsburgh is 3 hours. Have you checked those areas out for jobs?
-
Permalink Reply by Michael on -
Never thought about a compromise like that. I'll definitely have to check out Pittsburgh since the IT world is springing up there.
-
Permalink Reply by Stein on -
You have spent very little actual face time with this girl. The relationship has been rocky. You may love the idea of each other rather than really loving each other. The person who needs to step up to the plate for Nancy is Nancy. Right now she needs to find a way to finance her education for herself. Don't put that armor on yet. Spend some real time with her. Even your long distance relationship has not run that smoothly.
Stein
-
Permalink Reply by Michael on
-
I understand not financing her education. I actually made an edit to show that she has actually found a solution for that.
I think the concern about 'falling in love with the idea' is legitimate but I'm inclined to think that that is always a concern but there usually isn't so much at stake.
The thing between us is that we've known each other a long time and really understand each other. Nancy is my best friend and in times of crisis I always turn to her above everyone else.
You have a legitimate point but some very fundamental feelings stand firmly in my mind.
-
Permalink Reply by John Muir on -
I'm with Stein, bud.
Besides, Western NY is a day trip from NYC, so what's the big deal for her moving? If she never wants to leave Batavia or wherever, then you need to decide if YOU never want to leave Batavia.
How often would you guys talk on the phone? was it more a chat/fb/e-mail type long distance relationship, or did y'all talk daily?
Do you guys have a friend in common that actually is in her presence on a regular basis?
-
Permalink Reply by Michael on
-
I have a itching feeling she just doesn't want to deal with the hustle and bustle of the city which I can't hardly blame her for... and NYC is almost 7 hours away from Buffalo so it's not exactly a convenient distance.
We have talked countless countless hours on the phone almost daily for years. It really picked up when I was in college (roughly 2006/2007). IM, FB chat and email is part of it but the phone has always been the primary point of contact.
I don't know her through anyone in NY so no mutual friends where she is from...
-
Permalink Reply by Rick Shelton on
-
Yeah, don't spend money like that on someone you're not sure about.
-
Permalink Reply by terry sperling on -
If you don't try this, how do you think you'll feel about it,ten years from now?
Latest Activity
chad posted a discussionCoed friendships while in a relationship
So a previous post of mine brought up an interesting debate. Is it okay to hang out with people of the opposite gender while you are in a relationship? What are the limits to this? Is it okay in a group setting but not one-on-one? Is it okay in public but not private? Does it matter if you know this other person? I can't possibly come up with all the possible scenarios on here so feel free to come up with different ones.The final topic of discussion for this is what would you do if you…See More
chad replied to chad's discussion Need girl advice"I would first and foremost like to thank you gentlemen for all of your advice. In order to put this thing to rest I'll let you know the decision that I made:
The ex really is an absolutely amazing person. We get along really well…"
Luxinator replied to Nathan DeParis's discussion Women: The Infallible Baromoter"JQA's statement here would require a bit of effort to understand.
First we have to zone in and imagine the time, place and circumstance.
Secondly we should try to understand Why is he saying this, what does he want to achieve? Is he criticising…"
Hyrum Higgins posted a discussionAdvice on whether to stop talking to a girl
I have liked the girl for a long time. Years. I'm 18 now, and for most of the time I know her, I mainly just talked to her. She doesn't live nearby. Tonight, I finally told her of my feelings for her over the phone. I shouldn't have waited this long but I did. She didn't return them. As politely as she could she told me that she wasn't especially attracted to me, and that my obvious attraction to her had made talking to me and being friends with me a little awkward at times. It was a relief to…See More
Brian Splash replied to Brian Splash's discussion Progress shots in the group Exercise"Took some shots yesterday and I have not gained anything ."
© 2013 Created by Brett McKay.
Powered by
