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Meaningful Male Friendship
Many of us have acquaintances, or friends, but not true accountability partners who will speak the GODS HONEST TRUTH when we need to hear it, LISTEN when we need to tell it and HOLD US UP when it seems to be crushing us.
There are many reasons I have failed to fill these position in my life, I have been hurt and abused by men, cast off, and ignored, and become rigid and hard.
Perhaps now that GOD has softened my heart by shinning the Light of Truth on my transgressions, and by humbling and humiliating me through my addiction and the damage I have caused, plus the pain I have inflicted; my heart is receptive to the point where I can take HIS wisdom to heed.
The following is a reprint of a story by J. Lee Grady who is editor of Charisma Magazine online.
Steve
Meaningful Male Friendship
By J. Lee Grady
Despite the proliferation of iPhones, Blackberries, e-mail and social-networking Web sites—not to mention Starbucks locations—many Christian men, if they are honest, will tell you they are lonely. They may Twitter several times a day to co-workers; they may have occasional golf buddies; they may even grab coffee with colleagues from time to time. But so many men who attend church regularly are friendless.
This was made real to me recently when I spoke to a group of men at a large charismatic church in Rochester, N.Y. I was talking about three different types of relationships we need: (1) "Pauls," who serve as spiritual fathers; (2) "Barnabases," peer-level encouragers who support and challenge us; and (3) "Timothys," younger men we inspire and mentor.
I asked the guys in Rochester to write down the names of the men in their lives who fall into each category. When the session was over, one man went home to his wife and announced that he couldn't write down one name in any of the categories. He had no meaningful relationships. Other men I spoke to that night admitted that they don't have mentors and have never been transparent with a male friend about personal problems.
Men are disconnected. And we wonder why the American church is dysfunctional? Secular psychologists can tell you why men struggle to build close relationships with each other. But we rarely address this issue in the church—and as a result many men who love God live in painful isolation. I've identified the three biggest barriers to healthy male bonding:
1. Macho stereotypes. The macho myth says a real man is a rugged individualist: strongly independent, emotionally detached, covered in body armor without visible weaknesses. The macho myth tells boys they must never cry—even when they are in pain—and that when they become adults they cannot be intimate with their wives or tender with their children. The macho myth says they must maintain dictatorial power and control in relationships, even if abuse is necessary.
Yet when we look at Scripture we see that Jesus Christ radically challenged the macho culture promoted by the religious leaders of His day. The Pharisees looked down on women, stayed aloof from children, and celebrated their own importance while refusing to touch the needy. Jesus, on the flip side, empowered marginalized women, held babies in His arms, touched lepers and told a parable about a father who embraced and kissed his wayward son. Jesus destroyed the macho myth by demonstrating that the strongest masculinity is gentle and approachable.
2. Fear of homosexuality. In my travels I've noticed that men in other countries feel perfectly free to be affectionate. Men in Africa hold hands; in Latin countries they kiss each other on the neck. Sociologists say male affection was once more common in this country—but it waned around the same time awareness of homosexuality increased. Nowadays, many straight men are afraid to offer a consoling embrace to a friend lest it be viewed as a sexual advance.
That's tragic for many reasons, mostly because all human beings need affection to thrive. There are men today in their 60s and 70s who still crave the affection their emotionally-repressed fathers never gave them. So they live in shells and suffer in silence.
Many guys turn to homosexuality as a substitute for the healthy, non-sexual male affection they should have received. (Then the devil is all too eager to convince them they were "born that way.") The church could offer genuine healing to guys who struggle with sexual identity issues, but it will require us to offer fatherly or brotherly affection without fear.
3. The competition trap. Let's face it: Guys are so insecure and so work-oriented that we rate each other and ourselves solely on performance. Whether on the fourth-grade playground or in the corporate boardroom, we are so obsessed with the game that we can't let any other guy get ahead. We have to win, so every other male becomes an obstacle to our goal.
Male pride is the single biggest reason we can't get close to our brothers. It's the reason a Christian guy with a porn addiction can't be honest enough to call a friend and share his ugly secret. It's the reason some pastors can't admit their marriages are suffering. It's the reason successful businessmen end up drinking on weekends instead of finding a support group. A big, fat ego stands in the way.
Jesus showed us how to deal with male pride. Right before He went to the cross He gathered His male followers together for the Passover, stripped off His clothes and put on a slave's towel. Then He proceeded to wash His disciples' smelly, dusty feet. When He finished the job He told His men they should treat each other the same way.
The current epidemic of moral failure among men in the church today is directly tied to our lack of healthy, honest relationships. The only way to reverse the trend is to reintroduce men to the servant Savior—who was so humble that he took off His macho armor and became vulnerable.
J. Lee Grady is editor of Charisma.
There are many reasons I have failed to fill these position in my life, I have been hurt and abused by men, cast off, and ignored, and become rigid and hard.
Perhaps now that GOD has softened my heart by shinning the Light of Truth on my transgressions, and by humbling and humiliating me through my addiction and the damage I have caused, plus the pain I have inflicted; my heart is receptive to the point where I can take HIS wisdom to heed.
The following is a reprint of a story by J. Lee Grady who is editor of Charisma Magazine online.
Steve
Meaningful Male Friendship
By J. Lee Grady
Despite the proliferation of iPhones, Blackberries, e-mail and social-networking Web sites—not to mention Starbucks locations—many Christian men, if they are honest, will tell you they are lonely. They may Twitter several times a day to co-workers; they may have occasional golf buddies; they may even grab coffee with colleagues from time to time. But so many men who attend church regularly are friendless.
This was made real to me recently when I spoke to a group of men at a large charismatic church in Rochester, N.Y. I was talking about three different types of relationships we need: (1) "Pauls," who serve as spiritual fathers; (2) "Barnabases," peer-level encouragers who support and challenge us; and (3) "Timothys," younger men we inspire and mentor.
I asked the guys in Rochester to write down the names of the men in their lives who fall into each category. When the session was over, one man went home to his wife and announced that he couldn't write down one name in any of the categories. He had no meaningful relationships. Other men I spoke to that night admitted that they don't have mentors and have never been transparent with a male friend about personal problems.
Men are disconnected. And we wonder why the American church is dysfunctional? Secular psychologists can tell you why men struggle to build close relationships with each other. But we rarely address this issue in the church—and as a result many men who love God live in painful isolation. I've identified the three biggest barriers to healthy male bonding:
1. Macho stereotypes. The macho myth says a real man is a rugged individualist: strongly independent, emotionally detached, covered in body armor without visible weaknesses. The macho myth tells boys they must never cry—even when they are in pain—and that when they become adults they cannot be intimate with their wives or tender with their children. The macho myth says they must maintain dictatorial power and control in relationships, even if abuse is necessary.
Yet when we look at Scripture we see that Jesus Christ radically challenged the macho culture promoted by the religious leaders of His day. The Pharisees looked down on women, stayed aloof from children, and celebrated their own importance while refusing to touch the needy. Jesus, on the flip side, empowered marginalized women, held babies in His arms, touched lepers and told a parable about a father who embraced and kissed his wayward son. Jesus destroyed the macho myth by demonstrating that the strongest masculinity is gentle and approachable.
2. Fear of homosexuality. In my travels I've noticed that men in other countries feel perfectly free to be affectionate. Men in Africa hold hands; in Latin countries they kiss each other on the neck. Sociologists say male affection was once more common in this country—but it waned around the same time awareness of homosexuality increased. Nowadays, many straight men are afraid to offer a consoling embrace to a friend lest it be viewed as a sexual advance.
That's tragic for many reasons, mostly because all human beings need affection to thrive. There are men today in their 60s and 70s who still crave the affection their emotionally-repressed fathers never gave them. So they live in shells and suffer in silence.
Many guys turn to homosexuality as a substitute for the healthy, non-sexual male affection they should have received. (Then the devil is all too eager to convince them they were "born that way.") The church could offer genuine healing to guys who struggle with sexual identity issues, but it will require us to offer fatherly or brotherly affection without fear.
3. The competition trap. Let's face it: Guys are so insecure and so work-oriented that we rate each other and ourselves solely on performance. Whether on the fourth-grade playground or in the corporate boardroom, we are so obsessed with the game that we can't let any other guy get ahead. We have to win, so every other male becomes an obstacle to our goal.
Male pride is the single biggest reason we can't get close to our brothers. It's the reason a Christian guy with a porn addiction can't be honest enough to call a friend and share his ugly secret. It's the reason some pastors can't admit their marriages are suffering. It's the reason successful businessmen end up drinking on weekends instead of finding a support group. A big, fat ego stands in the way.
Jesus showed us how to deal with male pride. Right before He went to the cross He gathered His male followers together for the Passover, stripped off His clothes and put on a slave's towel. Then He proceeded to wash His disciples' smelly, dusty feet. When He finished the job He told His men they should treat each other the same way.
The current epidemic of moral failure among men in the church today is directly tied to our lack of healthy, honest relationships. The only way to reverse the trend is to reintroduce men to the servant Savior—who was so humble that he took off His macho armor and became vulnerable.
J. Lee Grady is editor of Charisma.
Tags: Christ, Church, Freindship, Relationships, faith, spitituality
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Dave on -
"Your generation has divorce, which is cute to say. I had to deal with my dad coming at me with a bat."
-Adam Sandler
It's tough out there, I'm thankful for all my male friends who bend an ear. I'm happy to do the same.
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Permalink Reply by SteveSF on -
Steve,
Yeah, I'm with you. We all just want a 'bro' a 'buddy'. Someone to just relax and be men with. Your original question seems to have turned into a... discussion of homosexuality. Why? This is the problem. Guys? Friends? Must be gay. Shut the fuck up. I am gay, some of my best guy friends are straight. We talk about everything. I though a lot of points of the article you posted were true. Except guys who are gay aren't looking to compensate for poor relationships with other men. We want the same thing you do. In my experience, if you ask Jesus to help you find friends... Well, they'll be too afraid to offend god to tell you what they really feel.
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Permalink Reply by Holrom on -
I've definitely fallen into the competition trap, or at least not wanting to admit my mistakes. But one day I realized that my pride was only getting in the way of my healing; that I needed a friend to turn to.
The funny thing is that I was so certain that the "bombshell" was going to ruin my friendship; but sometimes exposing our weaknesses make us stronger. "Friends multiple joy and divide sorrows." I'm very blessed and thankful for those deeper male friendships, those who don't run away when our spotless illusion fades.
In the end, most of us seem to be going through the same things anyway.
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Permalink Reply by David So on
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Hello all,
I am new here. I hope I'm not rehashing an old topic, but I came upon this post and I found it extremely intriguing and personally meaningful. I'm (almost) 30, and have been good friends with a buddy, Brian, since high school. We went to separate colleges (in separate states), and even now we live a part (but not that far away), but we managed to keep in touch and strengthened our friendship, to the point where I'm his best man for his upcoming wedding.
I guess, because I'm almost 30 (he's the same age) and I'm single, I can't help but ask whether "life" will get in the way. We each have jobs, he's getting married, maybe soon he will have kids. I hope to be in a relationship soon myself. But I can't help but think what our friendship would be like. It seems like life is moving us into different directions.
And that's life -- I completely understand that, but it's so hard to accept. There are other "friends" who I could not talk to often and be absolutely fine with it. But because Brian and I have been so close in our formative years, it saddens me to wonder and question what our friendship will be like in a few years' time.
To those who are older than me and have some experience with maintaining meaninful male friendships even with other life obligations -- may I ask, how do you do it? Some of you may not care about friendships, but for those who do, what has been your struggles? What would you do differently? What would you advise someone like me, in my position, to pursue or avoid, in order to keep my friendships alive and healthy in my 30s and beyond?
Thank you.
Dave
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Permalink Reply by Big Bad Moose on -
Fantastic. I was much like you in university with an exception, of course. My ethics and such conflicted with so many others who were more interested in partying, getting slammed and laid than becoming men. I went through my share of man-friends, many were short-lived, a few lasted a year or so.
I had one friend through the whole damned thing -- one. He was Chipewyan (a native tribe), with a fierce love of nature, tranquility and the finer things he could get in life in moderation. The school I attended was located in a town with many hiking trails. We occasionally ventured off the trails with nothing but a couple oat bars, our harmonicas and a compass. We tracked animals -- even ran into a coyote a few times. We'd stop at nice spots over a river or something and play a tune on the harps. The first time this happened, I didn't know he brought one as well, and I was in awe.
We didn't talk profusely. He enjoyed silence and frankly, so did I. When we did talk, it was usually about something of philosophical nature... or girls (we were still in our 20s, c'mon). He once told me that he and other boys would beat each other up for fun on the reserve, where he was from. So I challenged him to a scrap for fun, coming from a physical childhood myself... sadly, we got banned from the bar which witnessed our stunt.
Today, he is old as I, has a family going and is thousands of kilometers away. We keep in touch over letters and a rare Skype when he wants to see "how ugly I've gotten since he last saw me." We still confide in eachother the miscellaneous things that occur in our lives. It is important to have a friend like that, above all. It has helped through so much.
Great post!
Regards,
BBM
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Permalink Reply by Carl Monster on -
Wow, what a wonderful experience you had, and continue to have with your friend.
Thanks so much for sharing. I had a friend like that, but it was in libraries and museums where we spent our time, and he didn't drink, so I never was in a bar with the guy.
And we've not kept in touch, so I'm glad to see you did not make the same mistake.
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Permalink Reply by Big Bad Moose on
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Yes those were the days! We didn't drink much in the bars. We mostly observed others' conduct which fueled our conversations, again, about ethics and such.
Keeping in touch is a challenge with all that's going on. Taxes need to be managed, weddings attended (even planned, God forbid), house renovated, work, etc. It's hard to sit down for an evening and fire off a letter. It's certainly worth it no matter its inconvenience.
That "mistake" can easily be turned around. It's never too late to get back in touch. I've done that with a couple other friends recently. It's hit and miss. One may be completely different and have no interest in rejuvenating a friendship -- another may be the opposite.
Maybe you can't find the person's contact info or whatever. Social networks and the like help with this, though I prefer phonebooks and word-of-mouth. If you contact them first, they should already be aware of some effort you put in to find them. If they can't be bothered to return any favour, then they're not worth it anyway. Time goes on.
That's my 2 cents anyway.
Regards,
BBM
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Permalink Reply by Andrew Airmet on -
Very interesting post. I love it! I can relate to the reasons why guys tend to not be close. I can't think of any male friends that I would put into the close category. I tend to keep most people at least part of an arm length's away. My tendency toward motivation is a fear of rejection, being vulnerable and being hurt, or become to codependent. As a man who is sexually attracted at times to other men (but almost always emotionally attracted) and doesn't want to be, things can get really complicated. I subtext a lot of my thoughts and actions as being sexual, even when they aren't.
Anyways, I've always wanted a close guy friend. I came close to having a stable one with another guy, but things got rocky and went through a sort of 'break up'. Pretty painful and I don't think I'm ready to risk that again.
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Permalink Reply by Michael on -
Great article in the spirit of your original post and addressing similar concerns:
http://www.touchstonemag.com/archives/article.php?id=18-07-021-f
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