I am 22 and I am a recovering mama's boy. Growing up my mother and father were constantly fighting and my mom used to always come talk to me about her issues, because I am a younger brother and I guess I was easy to talk to. Later in my childhood, she became a bit controlling and overbearing with my life. I was forced to participate in a lot of activities I never wanted to and hear a lot of stuff I was too young to hear. Around 3rd grade I started gaining a lot of weight and my memories from that point on involve a lot of pressure and loneliness. My parents tell me that my weight gain and personality changes were just genetics, etc., but I'm convinced that I was experiencing depression at a young age. Since that point, I always had trouble fitting in with people. In college and high school, I adopted a stoner personality because this allowed an excuse for my depressive behavior. I LACK AGGRESSION and ASSERTIVENESS, mainly because when I displayed these traits as a child I was yelled at. Also, my mother convinced me that anger, which is an essential trait of manhood is a bad thing. I realize I am 22, and still young. I have a lot of time to change myself, and develop into the man I wanted and still want to be, but I need direction. I moved out of my house, got a good job, and live on my own but I still do not feel confident and assertive enough among other men.
I still display weak traits like messiness and anxiety. I constantly question everything I do because when I as young I had my parents calling all the shots. Does anyone have some advice on activities or an attitude to have which would help me get past my overbearing mother?
I would suggest the "30 days to a Better Man" group on this website, to start. The core values you will define for yourself on day one will be the traits you wish to develop or improve. Start physical training, with an emphasis on functional strength. Do a "Tough Mudder" or "Warrior Dash" obstacle race. Not only are they fun, they will help with your confidence issues. If your Mother prefers you clean-shaven grow a mustache or beard, or both. Read the articles on this website, and follow up with your own research. Most important, spend at least twice as much time DOING as you do reading. The world rewards action. Spend a few months of very limited contact with your mother. Cutting the apron strings works both ways.
Anger is not an essential trait of Manliness. It is a trait of a man-boys. It will screw up your relationships if you thinking you have to be angry to be a man. If you want to man up you do need to be able to apply appropriate assertiveness or aggression. But the key is appropriate, going around like you have a chip on your shoulder will only hold you back. Set up your plan to get where you want to be in terms of you, your career and such. Then break it down into weekly and daily actions that step by step get you down that path. Include milestones to note success and to re-evaluate.
When you climb the mountain of your life, the path seen at the bottom will look different as you climb up. Don’t be afraid to find a different path to the same goal. There are some paths you just can see from the base of the mountain.
ive had some of those issues growing up, anxiety, smoking, slight depression, even not fitting in, and overbearing parents..so I moved out when i was 17, and when I was 21 left Memphis, moved to New Mexico and started to find my own identity. im 26 now and It took a while, but I soon came into my own. Its all about finding a comfort zone ya kno, dont care what anyone think, and know all men have insecurites. the key to fitting in is to know that EVERYONE has insecurities, and to just accept yours. I started weight lifting, reading, shooting, writing, women, .(i dont discriminate). collecting guns, shooling..anything that would keep my mind tamed, and focused on building myself. so i say start with letting go..and focusing on something new, something different, something educating, and fun.you can do it brother.
Check out the New Warriors group; we specialize in helping men get past, well, the past, to be capable men.
And one of our phrases is, "Your anger [or sadness, or whatever it is] is welcome here."
Good job on moving out, and being ready to take on more recovery.
I take issue with your assertion that anxiety is a weak trait. Anxiety is an emotion, a natural response to unfamiliar and foreign stimuli, and a concern about an uncertain future. Every man, woman and child on Earth experiences anxiety. Weakness or strength comes from how you handle anxiety.
I suffer from a chronic anxiety disorder (the kind that stuff like xanax is prescribed for). There were (and still are) days when it's difficult for me to hang out with close friends because of the anxiety. What you need to do is tough it out. Do not let it control you. One of the best remedies for this is to do something totally freaking crazy to prove to yourself that nothing bad will happen if you don't listen to your worries. For me, I dropped everything (job, friends, school) and spent 5 weeks living in Shanghai, China. I didn't speak a word of the language, I was 10,000 miles away from anyone I knew and I had a return ticket that would have been to expensive to switch the date of to come home early. I overcame my anxiety by getting up every day, ordering food through any means possible, and attending languages classes BECAUSE IT BECAME A NECESSITY TO DO SO. You don't need to go to THAT extreme, but you should get my point. Force yourself to do something that scares that crap out of you and you'll find that anxiety don't mean much.
I didn't mean to offend anyone with clinically diagnosed anxiety issues. What I meant is that is that my learned thought process that causes me to become anxious is weak
Actually you can use the learned thought process to move through anxious to STRONG.
Simple, look at what is causing the concern, look at reasonable plans and measure address the concern. In addressing them you become strong.
Example, I'm nervous around new people especially new clients. I know that dressing well gives me an advantage because they are trained to listen to and respect well dressed people. So I dress well to address my concern and I am a better worker because of it.