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Making friends in adulthood.
I'm curious, how do you all make friends in your adult years? Obviously, it's not the same as when we were boys, but I've found it a bit difficult lately.
I'm 29, and a graduate student. There are a few guys in my graduate program, and we get along great. But I wouldn't necessarily call them "friends". They're nice, we hang out once in a while. I've hung out a bit more with one guy who I thought we could "hit it off" -- and we had lunch a few times and played tennis a few times. We have very similar interests. And yet, although I gave it a shot and put some effort into it, I didn't feel that "chemistry" -- and I'm using this term in a friendship, not romantic, sense. And it's not like he didn't like me, we still get along great, but the spark wasn't there.
I contrast it with my best friend who I met in high school. He is completely different from me in every way. Different cultural background, different education training, differing tastes/likes/preferences, he's a country person, I'm a city person. And yet, we still get along after all these years.
So all of this makes me think and ask -- why are you friends with your friends, the ones you made as an adult? How did you start these friendships in adulthood? How would you define who is or isn't your friend?
Replies to This Discussion
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Permalink Reply by Jess Levens on -
I've also found it very hard to make new friends as an adult. I moved to the Boston area a couple years ago to be near my wife's friends and family, and I'm yet to make any actual guy friends. I get along with her friends' boyfriends, but it's not like we hang out ever. Being married with a kid and working full time makes it hard to be able to even spend quality time with other guys usually.
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Permalink Reply by StaggerLee on -
To say that I have never been gregarious would be an understatement. I have always had acquaintances out the ya-zoo between whom we seem to share mutual respect but friendships? Not so much! In fact I can only name three true friends, with my wife being the first on the list!
That trend seems to be continuing even now. I still make acquaintances often and easily, but haven't met anyone I'd go out of my way to hang out with in several years. Guess my funeral will be a pretty sparse event in terms of attendees. The fact that I'm OK with that probably goes a long way to explain my low friend count.
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Permalink Reply by Davis on -
Another thought: Some people are better than others at making friends. Some people have a gift of hospitality or play the piano better than I or have a gift for whatever. If I'm on the low end of the learning curve, then I observe, ask questions, try to replicate behavior even if I never manage to be the expert, I can at least be in the game. And, being in the game can be really fun.
Davis
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Permalink Reply by Justin Morris on -
I haven't read all the replies yet, but I would add three things. In order to meet new people, you need to be the initiator. You need to be the first to shake hands with strangers and start talking to them. The second thing is to go and read the Book "How to win Friends and Influence people". It contains the how to talk to people information like "People love to talk about themselves, so you need to ask them questions".
Think about the things you like to do and see if there are any groups that meet. Go to those places and meet people with similar interests.
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Permalink Reply by Gard on -
Meeting people: Everywhere. Work. Couchsurfing. Library. Convenience store. Neighbourhood. The street. It just happens. Sometimes, they take intitative, because they noticed something about what I'm doing, other times I take intitative, because I noticed something they were doing.
Turning people into friends: Openness and honesty. Compassion.
Turning friends into Friends: You can tell friends and Friends apart fairly quickly through the degree of openness you can allow yourself.
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