I'm curious, how do you all make friends in your adult years? Obviously, it's not the same as when we were boys, but I've found it a bit difficult lately.

I'm 29, and a graduate student. There are a few guys in my graduate program, and we get along great. But I wouldn't necessarily call them "friends". They're nice, we hang out once in a while. I've hung out a bit more with one guy who I thought we could "hit it off" -- and we had lunch a few times and played tennis a few times. We have very similar interests. And yet, although I gave it a shot and put some effort into it, I didn't feel that "chemistry" -- and I'm using this term in a friendship, not romantic, sense. And it's not like he didn't like me, we still get along great, but the spark wasn't there.

I contrast it with my best friend who I met in high school. He is completely different from me in every way. Different cultural background, different education training, differing tastes/likes/preferences, he's a country person, I'm a city person. And yet, we still get along after all these years.

So all of this makes me think and ask -- why are you friends with your friends, the ones you made as an adult? How did you start these friendships in adulthood? How would you define who is or isn't your friend?

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I suggest a search of the forums for previous threads on this -- you'll see several responses already made.

The "chemistry" thing is interesting.  I know what you mean.  Some people I like, and I may not know why.  Others I find absolutely boring, and I don't know why.

One thing I notice is that once in a blue moon I get in a group that wants to talk about media:  movies, TV, music.  Of course our experience has to overlap.  And I love it a lot more than talking to people about the usual things:  work, politics, this or that funny thing that happened to so-and-so.  So for me, it's often about, "Oh, yeah, I think that's cool too."

Yet one man I hang with sometimes... all we talk about is the funny thing that happened to one of us, or such, and it's so authentic I love doing it.

I'll second this; there are lots of good posts in past forums.
And yes, chemistry is a big factor. There are men I can now say I've known for decades...yet they still are not good friends.
Then there are the very rare instances where the "spark" as you say occurred and I realized I had someone I could truly be myself with.
That can't be forced, it simply happens...or not. Maybe it's a game of odds, I don't know.
But if you think it is difficult now, know it will become nearly impossible as you get older, as you and others of your age group get involved with all the trappings of adulthood; careers, family and home ownership.

I still haven't met those with whom I feel "chemistry".  The closest I come to authentic friendships are the guys I met through hosting exchange, who are now adults.  My worldview is very different from the local culture around me, so i don't have any friends with whom I hang out regularly.  I am not giving up on the prospect of that, but I stopped looking for it where I know it is not. 

What you describe is the perfect hypothetical friend, but can you say that such friendships exist in the real world?  I have found it extremely difficult to get passed the 'Sup' stage with friends--you know "Sup?" "Nothin'. Sup with you?".

If you have found the secret to getting past this barrier then, Sensei, I am your humble student.

I can say that those types of friends exist, with absolute certainty.  I have several friendships of this type...and only several.  Quality, not quantity.


By all means, be friendly with as many people as you want.  But I always make a distinction between friends (lower case) and Friends (upper case) because Friendships can take years to develop.


Cultivating a Friendship can be a lot of work, but it is SO worth it.

So I'll ask you the same question I asked Davis--how do you get past the "Sup" stage?

That's when you crack open that beer in your hand.


Reference my comment in the "Does It Make You Less of a Man If You Don't Drink" post.

Unfortunately, that often leads to chasing married women around the bar, not meaningful, soulful discussion. ;)

You're stopping too soon.  After you've drank and been rejected enough, you pour another, sit down with your new found buddy and say, "Women".

Ok.  I'll try that.  I usually go right to the fall down stage.  Looks like I've been missing a step.  

Oh yeah. Completing each individual step is imperative to the process.


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